Love: Look before you leap
By Karen Salmansohn
So, it finally happened. You lucked out and met someone you feel could be The One—versus the usual just another one.
You’re excited. And with this exuberance comes the urge to run, not walk, into a serious commitment.
You tell yourself if you feel this strongly, it must be real—so why fake otherwise?
You’re not into playing games.
But the truth is, you could be playing a big game with yourself if you rush your crush.
Your rushing might not be fueled by sheer almighty desire—but by your need to control your partner and the relationship.
And, here’s a Big Love Irony: Rushing love actually leads to less control—because often, when you rush that crush you’re more likely to crash that crush. Many people who move speedily into a relationship wind up scaring off a potential partner—or even unwittingly scaring off themselves.
There’s also a Big Love Irony, Part 2: It doesn’t matter how fast you get somewhere if you’re heading in the wrong direction. Often when you rush a crush, you don’t gather enough important information that could better help you suss out if you’re psyched about someone with long-term warm and loving compatibility—or merely riled up over short-term hot, lusty attraction.
For all these reasons, speed often kills when it comes to love. Just think about what happens when you move slowly vs. quickly down a street in a car. If you drive slowly, you notice many more details. If you speed, you just get a big blur of data.
Well, this goes ditto on dating data. If you enter a relationship slowly, you’re more likely to notice those deal-breakers staring you in the face. Conversely, if you rush on in, you might not be able to handle those dangerous personality curves and surprise emotional potholes.
Yes, it’s rather ironic that this need for speed comes from hoping to gain more certainty about the future, and instead leads to a lot less control—well, as if any control at all is ever possible!
Which brings me to a Big Life Irony: Control and certainty do not exist. Even quantum physicists can’t control the movement of a particle in a petri dish. And if a super-smart physicist can’t control one of the teeniest objects on this planet, well, you’re no better off trying to control your relationship.
In the end, you just have to ride the relationship out to see where it’s going—and I suggest that you do the riding very slowly so nobody gets hurt. My four best tips to help you slow down your love engines:
Tip #1
You know how there’s a 24-hour rule related to buying a gun? Gun stores make you wait, just in case your emotions are too riled up to see clearly how to best use that gun. Well, the same goes with that other loaded kind of pistol. (Ahem, insert sexual-entendre reference here.) Always wait at least 24 hours after you’ve met a person until you sleep with them. And if possible, be sure you want to be totally exclusive with your crush before you have sex, because post-sex leads to hyper-vulnerability and uber-expectations.
Tip #2
Meet your crush’s friends. Keep in mind that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree—and neither does the bad banana.
Tip #3
Spend three days in a row together on a vacation before you declare it’s almighty love. The goal: To see each other without all the makeup on—not just the cosmetic makeup, but the metaphysical makeup people wear to cover up and hide those flaws.
Tip #4
Talk about deal-breakers up front so they don’t become relationship-crashers later. Find out your crush’s views on religion, money, sex and children—and preferably before sex (and definitely before children!).
Karen Salmansohn is a best-selling author and turn-around coach who specializes in books which boost happiness, like How To Be Happy, Dammit! Visit her at www.notsalmon.com.
So, it finally happened. You lucked out and met someone you feel could be The One—versus the usual just another one.
You’re excited. And with this exuberance comes the urge to run, not walk, into a serious commitment.
You tell yourself if you feel this strongly, it must be real—so why fake otherwise?
You’re not into playing games.
But the truth is, you could be playing a big game with yourself if you rush your crush.
Your rushing might not be fueled by sheer almighty desire—but by your need to control your partner and the relationship.
And, here’s a Big Love Irony: Rushing love actually leads to less control—because often, when you rush that crush you’re more likely to crash that crush. Many people who move speedily into a relationship wind up scaring off a potential partner—or even unwittingly scaring off themselves.
There’s also a Big Love Irony, Part 2: It doesn’t matter how fast you get somewhere if you’re heading in the wrong direction. Often when you rush a crush, you don’t gather enough important information that could better help you suss out if you’re psyched about someone with long-term warm and loving compatibility—or merely riled up over short-term hot, lusty attraction.
For all these reasons, speed often kills when it comes to love. Just think about what happens when you move slowly vs. quickly down a street in a car. If you drive slowly, you notice many more details. If you speed, you just get a big blur of data.
Well, this goes ditto on dating data. If you enter a relationship slowly, you’re more likely to notice those deal-breakers staring you in the face. Conversely, if you rush on in, you might not be able to handle those dangerous personality curves and surprise emotional potholes.
Yes, it’s rather ironic that this need for speed comes from hoping to gain more certainty about the future, and instead leads to a lot less control—well, as if any control at all is ever possible!
Which brings me to a Big Life Irony: Control and certainty do not exist. Even quantum physicists can’t control the movement of a particle in a petri dish. And if a super-smart physicist can’t control one of the teeniest objects on this planet, well, you’re no better off trying to control your relationship.
In the end, you just have to ride the relationship out to see where it’s going—and I suggest that you do the riding very slowly so nobody gets hurt. My four best tips to help you slow down your love engines:
Tip #1
You know how there’s a 24-hour rule related to buying a gun? Gun stores make you wait, just in case your emotions are too riled up to see clearly how to best use that gun. Well, the same goes with that other loaded kind of pistol. (Ahem, insert sexual-entendre reference here.) Always wait at least 24 hours after you’ve met a person until you sleep with them. And if possible, be sure you want to be totally exclusive with your crush before you have sex, because post-sex leads to hyper-vulnerability and uber-expectations.
Tip #2
Meet your crush’s friends. Keep in mind that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree—and neither does the bad banana.
Tip #3
Spend three days in a row together on a vacation before you declare it’s almighty love. The goal: To see each other without all the makeup on—not just the cosmetic makeup, but the metaphysical makeup people wear to cover up and hide those flaws.
Tip #4
Talk about deal-breakers up front so they don’t become relationship-crashers later. Find out your crush’s views on religion, money, sex and children—and preferably before sex (and definitely before children!).
Karen Salmansohn is a best-selling author and turn-around coach who specializes in books which boost happiness, like How To Be Happy, Dammit! Visit her at www.notsalmon.com.
