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The relative success of every relationship you maintain in life hinges on communication. It is the foundation and bedrock of your bond with other people. Communication: Can it get any more basic than that? No. And as a result, you may assume that we are all experts in the field of good communication. Of course, such an assumption is false, and even absurd. Because as we well know, the most common relationship predicament, when you boil it down to the essence of the problem, is communication. We have difficulty with it and submit to almost unmanageable urges that compel us to act in a manner divergent from good relationship behavior. Men are the main offenders in this epidemic. We have that massive male ego to contend with for one, and an almost primordial instinct to "win" at every endeavor we partake in. Fight to the death When we unleash these typical male forces in the confines of our relationship, we blaze a trail of self-destruction. We start a pattern of dysfuncti...

by by Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D. When adultery shatters their relationship, both partners lose something. The betrayed feel as if they will never be able to trust or love wholeheartedly again. The betrayers feel they will never again find such flawless, undemanding love. Both sides must mourn these losses before they can change and move on. Like any grief, the sorrow for a dead relationship goes through stages: denial, anger, guilt and acceptance. All stages must be experienced before couples can find forgiveness and rebirth. The process requires great courage, determination and stamina nor--nobr but the reward is lasting Real-Life-Love. You cannot ignore or obliterate these feelings. You cannot forgive and reform your life while you are ruled by resentment, bitterness and hurt. You can't deny your emptiness, although a sad number of people try to do so. What the Deceived Must Do to Heal Allow yourself to grieve for your old untarnished relationship. What the Betrayer Must Do t...

by Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D., with Jean Coppock Staeheli Excerpted from NOT "Just Friends" After infidelity has entered a marriage, questions about specific details are frequently an entryway into a deeper story. For example, questions about what gifts or cards were exchanged are really probing for how invested the unfaithful partner was in the affair -- emotionally and financially. One unfaithful wife and her affair partner made cassette tapes for each other with special love songs. Although it was extremely painful for the betrayed husband to listen to the romantic words of the songs, it helped him realize why it was so hard for his wife to let go of the affair. He was also shaken by what he had neglected. Ultimately, he was inspired to bring more romance back into their marriage. The following 10 questions will guide your exploration of the circumstances of the infidelity and the meaning behind it. Some of them are questions I use in my clinical practice to bring a slightly ...

by by Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph. D. Heart attacks are not always fatal -- and neither is adultery. Cardiac patients can survive and even thrive, once they find a healthier way of living. After an affair, a couple can do the same by finding a healthier way of loving. I know how wrenching adultery can be, because I watched it nearly tear apart my own family. I also know from my own experience, both personal and professional, that adultery can be a forgivable sin. Fidelity is not a guarantee that love persists, nor is infidelity a sign that love has faded or died. In fact, adultery can even be a way -- albeit dysfunctional -- to try and stabilize a floundering relationship. Why is adultery so frightening and yet so fascinating? In part because we recognize the appeal of it. We grew up in triangles, competing for our mother's attentions with our father and our siblings, and vice versa. That taught us, deep inside, to be terrified of abandonment and to resent sharing. We never quite ...

Wondering if you've just met the perfect match? Here are some guidelines to help you decide if it's true love. After several dates, you feel you've found the perfect person. This is your dream mate , the one who will stand by you through thick and thin. You're ready to tie the knot at last. But is it love? Or is it a cheap imitation, like infatuation, lust, or even simple companionship ? Here are a few things to consider as you make the ultimate life-changing decision: 1. Do you want what's best for this person, or do you want what this person can do to help you? For example, if your mate has the chance to get a wonderful job in another city, are you willing to pull up stakes and move, or will you expect the job opportunity to get tossed aside for you? Love means putting the other person's needs ahead of your own, even when that involves sacrifice. While blind agreement to any difference of opinion is unrealistic and unreasonable, a thoughtful discussion of wh...

When a relationship ends, you should take the time to reflect on the reasons that it has ended so that you can learn from your mistakes. Breakups are a learning opportunity. If you take the time to examine the reasons for your breakup, then you may be able to avoid letting history repeat itself in your dating life . There are two sides to every coin – personal growth can be the flip side to your sadness over the loss of a relationship . What was the cause of your breakup? If you cheated on your mate , then you might be feeling very guilty and untrustworthy. You can learn from this experience that you have to work on being more honest. If you cheated, you probably were not happy in the relationship to begin with. However, you did the wrong thing by being unfaithful rather than honest. You should have ended the relationship, not strayed from it. Next time you are in a relationship, make sure that you really want to be there. It is not fair to the person that you are with for you to b...

When you want to have a deeper relationship with your dating partner, here are a few ideas which encourage closer emotional intimacy. In personal relationships , sometimes you get to the point where you’re ready to go to the next level. Instead of a casual dating situation, you want a deeper, more committed relationship that may last over time or even lead to marriage . But how do you take the next step without tumbling into an abyss? Here are a few tips that might prove helpful: 1. Spend more time together. Some dating relationships begin with the couple seeing each other once or twice a week. This works well when both people work or manage other responsibilities, like college or caring for a family. Over time, however, you may decide that you want to know more about the other person, and that involves spending more time together through the week or on weekends so that you can observe each other more often or experience a variety of lifestyle situations. This should be a shared de...

Couples should work on issues that could become major problems before they marry to increase the chances of a long and successful life together. You’ve finally met the love of your life, and you and your fiancée are planning a wedding . This is one of the most exciting times of your life, and you want everything to be perfect! Many times, however, couples in love easily overlook issues that could turn into major problems once the newness of love has worn off. With divorce rates as much as 50%, pre-marital counseling sessions are becoming more common. In the past, basically the only people who received counseling were couples whose marriages were already in deep trouble. Today, more and more couples are seeking out counselors and clergymen to offer advice on how to maintain a strong, healthy marriage. If two people marry , and neither of them has been married before, the major issues they will probably need to work on will include learning to adjust to the process of living with so...

For as long as there have been men and women, there have been dating and dating rituals . Being the sly hunters we are, men have built up a reservoir of knowledge and cunning over the millennia on how to successfully woo the ladies over the first few weeks of a courtship. There are many fish in the sea, and there are many baiting procedures you can use to reel them in. And though many women may be aware of some of our strategies, they surely don't know of all of them. Let's keep it that way, gentlemen. Keep these timeless secret dating tips under your hat and enjoy the learning process. 10. Wait three days before calling back The idea behind this dating rule of thumb is to make sure that your new squeeze doesn't think you're desperate to see her. And it's become a golden rule because it often works. Many women know the dating game, and want to see if their new man can play it. Prove that you can by keeping it cool, and resisting the urge to follow up on a meeting t...

Men love women. The way they look, smell, walk and talk are just some of the reasons why we consider them a divine species. Yet we can't live with them, and we certainly can't live without them... ...for the most part anyway, because perfect, they are not. And upon serious analysis, I've discovered the top 10 things women do that drive men to the brink of insanity. 10. Pretend to be virtuous A recurring theme among many women is that they try to place themselves under a "holier than thou" light, never admitting that they fooled around or dividing their number of boyfriends by five. Now, we applaud those ladies who truly are innocent and pure , but the rest should stop trying to water down their past. Women are allowed to have just as much fun as guys, and they should find a man who can appreciate that. 9. Criticize other women Why is it that many women can't make a simple compliment toward another woman? They love to nitpick about everything from weight to ...

By Laura J. Schaefer Of all the endeavors you can pursue, dating can be one of the most enjoyable. It's entertaining, it provides companionship, and it can lead to lasting love and partnership. But as you decide whether you're ready to date, make sure you are doing it for the right reason: You have a full life that you'd like to share with another person. With that in mind, here are a few bad reasons to date … Your friends want you paired off: Just because your friends are married or coupled up doesn't mean you have to find "your other half." If they are pressuring you to date, be firm. You need to date because you want to, not because everyone else in your life thinks it's the thing to do. You can't stand to be alone: If you approach dating with the desperation of a person who is uncomfortable spending any time alone, you might not choose a suitable partner. Learn to enjoy your own company and that of your friends and family before embarking on new...