Are you hung up on looks?
By Bob Strauss
Before we talk about dating only hotties, let’s consider the animal kingdom for a moment: “The Egyptian vulture is a beautiful bird with white plumage and a yellow head. Yellow heads are very sexy among Egyptian vultures, the yellower the better. Unfortunately, the way they get those yellow heads is by eating the dung of other animals—sheep, goats, and cows. Which just goes to show, amazing looks might be a sign of an unsavory habit.”
The next time you ogle that flawlessly beautiful specimen of female pulchritude at the coffee shop, consider these words of wisdom from Katherine Gould, author of A Tiger in the Bedroom: Lessons from Mother Nature’s Sex Shop: While it’s unlikely that the object of your affection has been feasting on you-know-what, focusing exclusively on her appearance may be a sign that you need to bring some higher brain functions — such as intelligence, intuition, and common sense — into play.
How can you tell that you’re too obsessed with looks, over and above your date’s other attributes? Here are some surefire signs:
Playing down your date’s non-physical flaws.
Once, over dinner, I smiled and nodded as my date made a flat-out elitist comment, just because I thought she was cute. Not a good sign. If you find yourself making excuses for your sweetie every time he or she speaks — “Oh, Jerry’s not much of an intellectual,” “Oh, that’s just Helen’s weird sense of humor” — you might be better off embracing your shallowness and trading your sweetie in for a department-store mannequin. But seriously, if you’re way over-valuing looks to the extent that you’re glossing over flaws…
Zeroing in on defects.
I call this one the “Seinfeld Effect,” though it’s since turned up in other sitcoms as well. If you hear yourself delivering these erstwhile punch lines, try to stop and think about what’s really important in life: “She’s about five pounds too heavy,” “His nostrils are way too big,” “I’d ask her out on a second date if only she’d lose those glasses.” A real relationship doesn’t revolve around such details; you’re being too superficial and not focusing on what really makes a couple click.
Using your date to boost your own self-esteem.
“Do you need a good-looking date to make you feel better?” asks Debbie Mandel, author of Turn on Your Inner Light: Fitness for Body, Mind and Soul. “If you feel attractive and empowered, you’ll look for someone who is as positive as you are. That means a sense of humor, a good listener, a caring individual—basically someone who knows what he or she brings to the table.” In other words, if you won’t settle for anything less than a piece of arm candy, that says a lot more about you than it does about your date. You’re with that super-attractive person in the hopes that he or she casts a “halo effect” of glamour on you…
Is there hope to break out of the looks-count-most mold? Yes, say the experts, if we stop and do some hard thinking:
Put less emphasis on looks and more on chemistry.
“While looks are important, compatibility is the key to building great relationships,” says Liz H. Kelly, author of Smart Man Hunting. “You’ll live a happier life by marrying someone who’s a 10 in compatibility, even if he or she is only a 7 in looks.” In other words, you don’t have to hook up with someone you find physically unappealing, but you shouldn’t let a pair of glasses dissuade you from a second date.
If you’ve met on the Internet, don’t meet in person too soon.
This may sound counterintuitive, especially to folks who feel that cyber-dating is somehow “inauthentic” compared to a real-life, face-to-face date. “You should try to develop a relationship based on an exchange of personal information before exchanging photos or meeting in person,” says Alan R. Stafford, president of Relationship Success Experts in Charlotte, NC. That way, he says, you’re less likely to reject someone in person because of a small physical flaw—or because she’s only a 7 when you were expecting a 10.
Look at the most in-love couples you know.
Chances are, they are not all pairings of perfectly gorgeous people. Spend time with the couples, and see how their lives are richer and happier thanks to the relationship. Ask yourself if you would rather have that love in your life with an attractive person... or if it’s worth holding out in the hopes that you’ll meet a supremely attractive soul mate. The choice is yours.
