How do you know if it's true love?

Wondering if you've just met the perfect match? Here are some guidelines to help you decide if it's true love.

After several dates, you feel you've found the perfect person. This is your dream mate, the one who will stand by you through thick and thin. You're ready to tie the knot at last.

But is it love? Or is it a cheap imitation, like infatuation, lust, or even simple companionship? Here are a few things to consider as you make the ultimate life-changing decision:

1. Do you want what's best for this person, or do you want what this person can do to help you? For example, if your mate has the chance to get a wonderful job in another city, are you willing to pull up stakes and move, or will you expect the job opportunity to get tossed aside for you? Love means putting the other person's needs ahead of your own, even when that involves sacrifice. While blind agreement to any difference of opinion is unrealistic and unreasonable, a thoughtful discussion of what is better for each of you individually as well as both of you as a couple needs to take place.

2. Do you enjoy looking at the person or talking to the person more? Both are important to a mature relationship, but if you find yourself fixated on physical appearance, attracted to your mate because of face, figure, or form, you may be taking a superficial look at your loved one. On the other hand, you don't want to be taken in by flattery or false statements. If your significant other is all talk and no action, that can be a warning sign to drop the relationship before you end up with one broken promise after another. A balance of physical and mental attraction is a healthy signal.

3. Are you willing to wait to make the relationship work? For example, if your mate pushes you to do things you don't feel comfortable with, can you firmly say no? Will your response be handled respectfully and with patience? It goes both ways, too. Are you willing to wait on your partner to get more serious when he or she is ready, or are you demanding more interaction now? Can you wait to marry until the other person finishes school or are you pushing to live together first? Patience is an important virtue associated with successful, long-term relationships.

4. Do you support each other by anticipating and meeting needs? For example, if you need to work extra right now to pay off debt before getting married, does your mate understand that the situation is temporary and willingly wait for you to put in the extra hours at your job, rather than complain about your absence? If the person has a list of errands to run before the two of you can get together, do you offer to help?

5. Are you friends? Companionship lasts much longer than ardor, generally speaking. People in their 70's, 80's, and 90's may lose some of their physical spontaneity, but they maintain a quest for fun and a shared life until the end. Do you laugh together? Enjoy similar activities? Share each other with friends and family? Or do you expect your perfect mate to spend all free time with you exclusively?

Loving another person involves self-sacrifice and compromise. If you are attracted to someone for whom you are unwilling to be patient and to share all parts of your life, you may have a lot of work to do or disappointment to deal with after the wedding. Take time now to assess your relationship with these and other factors to see if you can make a life that could last fifty years or more with the person of your dreams. Because when you wake up, your mate will still be there.

Learning from a break-up

When a relationship ends, you should take the time to reflect on the reasons that it has ended so that you can learn from your mistakes.

Breakups are a learning opportunity. If you take the time to examine the reasons for your breakup, then you may be able to avoid letting history repeat itself in your dating life. There are two sides to every coin – personal growth can be the flip side to your sadness over the loss of a relationship. What was the cause of your breakup?

If you cheated on your mate, then you might be feeling very guilty and untrustworthy. You can learn from this experience that you have to work on being more honest. If you cheated, you probably were not happy in the relationship to begin with. However, you did the wrong thing by being unfaithful rather than honest. You should have ended the relationship, not strayed from it. Next time you are in a relationship, make sure that you really want to be there. It is not fair to the person that you are with for you to be unfaithful. If anyone has ever cheated on you, you know how painful it feels. Rather than dwelling on your indiscretion, forgive yourself, and move forward with the conviction that you will not do it again.

If your mate was cheating on you, and that was the cause of your breakup, there’s still an opportunity for personal growth. Understandably, you feel very hurt and betrayed. However, this is your chance to be strong and independent. You can get through this, and when you do, you will feel incredibly empowered and proud of yourself for your strength. Breaking up with your unfaithful significant other was the right move; you stood up for yourself, and you made it clear that you were not someone who is to be taken advantage of.

If your relationship ended because you wanted to take your relationship to the next level, and your mate did not want to get too serious, then you will learn to pair yourself up with a person who has similar goals for the future. Get in a relationship with someone who is looking to settle down, if that is what you are looking to do. If you were the one who did not want to get too serious, then you should be looking for someone who is also looking for a casual relationship. Leading people on is not right, and it can only lead to hurt feelings. Be honest with yourself and with the people that you date in the future.

Perhaps your mate broke up with you because you could not control your anger. You yelled too much, and you were constantly putting your significant other down. If you were not treating your mate right, then they were right to leave. You have to learn to control yourself and to express your feelings in a healthier way. This is your opportunity to change your poor behavior so that your future relationships will not suffer in the same way. You’re not a bad person; you just made some bad choices. If you have severe anger management problems, you should seek professional help.

If you’re on the other end of the abusive relationship, then you have to learn not to allow yourself to be taken advantage of and used as a human punching bag. You deserve to be treated with care and respect, and you should accept nothing less in your future relationships. Do not compromise your happiness for someone who is not treating you properly. If you have low self esteem, you have to work on feeling better about yourself before you will be ready to share your life with another person again.

If the relationship ended because you simply did not feel that it had a future, then you have to ask yourself why it is that you did not see a future between the two of you. Do you have unrealistic expectations? Or is it simply that the two of you do not want the same things out of life, or that you have grown apart over the course of your relationship? If you have established a pattern off breaking off relationships when they become too serious, then you need to determine whether not that is just a fear of commitment on your half. On the other hand, if you truly believe that your ex’s goals were too different from your own for your relationship’s future to thrive, then you should be proud of yourself for doing the right thing. If there is no future, then you should not be wasting your time, and breaking up with your mate will give you the opportunity to seek out someone whose goals are similar to your own. It is natural to feel sadness and loss after you break up with someone that you have had a romantic relationship with, but in order to get over it, you have to look for the silver lining.

how to have a closer-bond with someone?

When you want to have a deeper relationship with your dating partner, here are a few ideas which encourage closer emotional intimacy.

In personal relationships, sometimes you get to the point where you’re ready to go to the next level. Instead of a casual dating situation, you want a deeper, more committed relationship that may last over time or even lead to marriage.

But how do you take the next step without tumbling into an abyss? Here are a few tips that might prove helpful:

1. Spend more time together. Some dating relationships begin with the couple seeing each other once or twice a week. This works well when both people work or manage other responsibilities, like college or caring for a family. Over time, however, you may decide that you want to know more about the other person, and that involves spending more time together through the week or on weekends so that you can observe each other more often or experience a variety of lifestyle situations. This should be a shared decision, not one person demanding more time than the other wants to give. Work out the details of when and how often you will get together, and for what purpose.

2. Share more of your lives. The type of lifestyle events you share can make a difference in the direction of your relationship. For example, you may decide to introduce your dating partner to the family and even to invite him to holiday dinners or parties. Perhaps the two of you will attend each other’s company picnics or Christmas parties. You may want to run errands together, like getting a haircut or washing the car. Whichever direction you go, taking the other person along can help you grow closer as you peek into the crevices of each other’s daily schedules or special events.

3. Cultivate intimate conversation. Special discussions or time spent conversing about meaningful things helps to foster a relationship. Women, especially, enjoy time spent talking, although many men willingly develop this habit with the women in their lives. Set a few minutes aside during your time together to talk over each other’s workday, to share political or religious views, or to exchange opinions on current events. You may want to solicit advice or air a viewpoint. Perhaps you just seek a listening ear. Being these things for each other can deepen your value as a couple.

4. Discuss problems openly. Sometimes we ignore petty irritations. But don’t sweep major problems under the rug. Issues dealing with money, extended family, work schedules, and child discipline or housework can have serious ramifications for many relationships, especially if you are thinking about getting married. Thoughtfully explore these issues and other problems that rise to the surface of your relationship. Be a courteous listener and take pains to be sure you understand your partner’s position before trying to express your own. Then together, work on finding a suitable solution.

5. Be mutually supportive. There will be times when a partner’s need may interfere with our own desires or goals. For example, you bring home a report to work on that’s due tomorrow, and your partner calls to ask if she can unburden herself of a nagging problem about a coworker. With a sigh you agree, trying not to be disgruntled. It’s fine to set boundaries:

“Sure, come on over. I have to finish this report, but let’s talk it over until 8:30 or so.”

Another example may be when you want to get a good night’s sleep and the phone rings just as you’re drifting off. Your date mate wants to ask your opinion about whether her mom needs to see a doctor for a suspicious cough. You really don’t want to answer the phone, and you’d rather be sleeping than discuss someone’s cough, but suppressing a growl you listen patiently for twenty minutes before ending the conversation with an affectionate good-bye.

Building and maintaining a healthy relationship is challenging today. But it’s still worthwhile to do the work before marriage than to struggle with unresolved issues afterward.

How to work out differences before you get married

Couples should work on issues that could become major problems before they marry to increase the chances of a long and successful life together.

You’ve finally met the love of your life, and you and your fiancée are planning a wedding. This is one of the most exciting times of your life, and you want everything to be perfect! Many times, however, couples in love easily overlook issues that could turn into major problems once the newness of love has worn off.

With divorce rates as much as 50%, pre-marital counseling sessions are becoming more common. In the past, basically the only people who received counseling were couples whose marriages were already in deep trouble. Today, more and more couples are seeking out counselors and clergymen to offer advice on how to maintain a strong, healthy marriage.

If two people marry, and neither of them has been married before, the major issues they will probably need to work on will include learning to adjust to the process of living with someone else. That may not sound so difficult on paper, but it can be extremely trying if one or both have a few annoying habits or idiosyncrasies that drive the other partner crazy.

In the beginning, these habits may only be amusing or endearing, but as time goes by, they may become the source of resentment and even anger. Pets can even cause extreme angst if one person is a pet lover and the other suffers from pet related allergies. What happens when they come together to form one big, happy family?

Ideally, issues such as this one should be resolved before the couple marries. How they resolve the issue will give the couple an indication of how well they will be able to work through other conflicts as they arise. If they simply argue with finding a resolution, then there isn’t any doubt that the reason for the conflict will rear its ugly head again and again. If they just ignore the problem, eventually resentment will build, and the problem will morph into an even bigger issue.

If one or both couples have a previous marriage, and step-children are part of the picture, there will be a whole new set of potential problems. Not only will the couple need pre-marital counseling or at least need to work issues out prior to the marriage, but the children may also need to be a part of at least some of the decision making process.

If one partner has children, but the other doesn’t, the future step-parent needs to understand what his or her role will be as a step-father or step-mother. These are not issues that should be made as split-second judgments. Instead, the step-parent should know what is expected of him or her regarding responsibilities, such as support, punishment, etc. In return, the step-child should also understand what is expected out of him or her in regards to the role her new step-parent will take.

If both parents have children, there can be additional stress simply from combining two families with several, very different individuals. Each child should understand what is expected. Rules should be discussed, and both parents should strive to treat each child as fairly and equally as possible. If the children are old enough, they should be able to put in some of their opinions and wishes before the marriage takes place.

When couples work diligently to smooth out some of the possible problems before the marriage occurs, there should be less reason for strife and stress later. If a couple really can’t discuss problems before they get married, they may need to seriously reconsider or at least allow more time to go by before they enter into matrimony. Pre-marital counseling doesn’t mean a couple should have a pre-nuptial agreement. It simply means that a couple in love plans on taking their vows seriously, and they want to do everything in their power to ensure that their marriage is a success.

Are You Ready for Marriage?

Decide if you are getting married for the right reasons with these helpful tips.

Would you like to know if you are ready to get married? First, ask yourself if you are at the right place in your own life. Examine your motivations for wanting to get married. Don’t compromise because you need financial help, are lonely, or think that marriage will otherwise solve your problems. A spouse can be a source of support and companionship, but choosing the wrong person for you can only perpetuate your troubles.

Before you get married, make sure you have built a solid foundation for your relationship with your partner. How well do you know one another? You should be aware of each other’s history, preferences, and lifestyle, and be able to discuss things openly. Ideally, you will have seen the person in a variety of situations and know how they cope and what to expect from them. Find out if you and your partner have the same expectations for your married lives together.

Discuss and consider your expectations for family, social and religious attendance, and household organization and finances.

1.) If one or both of you have a young child or children, consider their needs and happiness carefully. How prepared are each of you be in the children’s lives? Will this be the right situation and best environment for them? Remember that children are dependent upon their parents and that you are setting an example for them in everything you do. Whether the two of you have previous children or not, you should also discuss the possibility of having children together in the future. You may not be ready to plan on having children or make a choice not to have children, but it should still be discussed in order to get an idea of what might lie ahead. You should also meet each other’s families and find out what kind of time and involvement will be expected from you in the future. Will your in-laws be insulted if you don’t join them every Sunday for dinner? Will your husband feel neglected and complain about the bill if you phone your sister daily?

2.) Time spent with each other’s families is one concern regarding socialization, but there are also other factors. What activities will you do together and what activities will you do separately? It is important to be able to make time for one another without giving up the independence you both enjoy. Do your religious affiliations differ? Religion is a strong belief for many people and one that has to be heartfelt, so it is crucial that you be able to respect each other’s beliefs.

3.) What resources and financial obligations do the two of you have? How will the two of you pay bills, keep bank accounts, earn money, and choose how to spend? While money is certainly not as important as love, it can be a major source of tension between couples and is an important element in planning a future together. In addition, consider what responsibilities each of you will have within the household.

Although there is no surefire way to determine if marriage is right for you, considering the above concerns carefully can help you make an informed decision. Decide whether you are ready to head to the altar or if youneed to spend some time working on yourself and your relationship.

How to know if you're ready to get married?

How can you know if you're ready to get married? Read on to find out tips and advice.

The big day that you dreamed about for years has arrived. The person you love has ask to or agreed to marry you but how does one know if they are really ready to enter into the covenant of marriage? While volumes could be written to address this issue, this article will attempt to generate some thought on a variety of issues that a wise prospective bride or groom should contemplate before entering into the marriage agreement.

It is wise for individuals to know themselves well before attempting to blend their lives with the life of another individual. Things that are important to know are what one considers as goals for his/her life. Things like finishing college, having a career, rearing children, taking care of extended family if need be, traveling as well a variety of other aspirations should be contemplated and taken into account when considering marriage. There should be clear communication on the goals that each person has with their intended marriage partner so that any issues/conflicts between the two individuals in regard to these goals can be discussed to make certain that there is a plan in place for when these issues arise. One example would be if both individuals want to attend college. There needs to be a plan for how to meet financial obligations while one or both spouses are in college. While goals of individuals may change over the course of a lifetime, it is a good idea to at least enter marriage with a clear plan to accommodate the goals of the bride and the groom. If there is not a way to formulate such a plan and neither partner is willing to sacrifice a goal, then this might indicate a need to postpone or forego the marriage.

Perspective brides and grooms should have clear ideas on how both they and their partner wish to live as a married couple. Questions such as: Do we want to have careers that demand a lot of our time and reap large financial gain or will one person stay home and/or work part time to care for the home and children that might eventually come into the picture? If there is a large gap in the lifestyles that both partners view as ideal, this may signal a red flag when the wedding is over and reality sets in.

Knowing the expectations that an individual has for his/her future mate is something that should be clearly defined and communicated prior to marriage. Expectations in the area of spiritual leadership/participation (or the lack thereof), parenting, communication, child rearing, conflict resolution, dealing with in-laws, sexuality, financial management, travel, relocation and traditions are a list of some very common conflicts in a marriage and therefore are things that one should know how they can somewhat anticipate their future spouse’s to feel toward and expect to handle. While there will likely be differences in opinion on a variety of issues, the impact that these differences could have in the future, for both marriage partners, should be considered.

Genuine preparation for marriage involves knowing oneself and their intended spouse very well and being willing to make sacrifices and work through differences as they arise. A perspective bride/groom must be willing to commit to some degree of selflessness in order to make a successful marriage.

Relationship tips: how to rebuild intimacy after a breakup

A painful break up can feel like the permanent end to a relationships, but it can also lead to a better foundation for a more intimate reunion.

One of the most painful realities about romantic relationships is that they can only lead to two conclusions- a serious long-term commitment or a decision to break up. All of the good times, all of the intimate conversations, all of the shared experiences can end with a single argument or indiscretion. Relationships are fragile things by nature, which can only make a painful breakup that much more difficult to process.

But sometimes the bond between two people can still be strong in spite of the 'failed relationship'. Some couples find that it's easier to deal with each other once the pressure of a serious romance is off. With fewer expectations, both are free to share mutual hobbies and interests as friends. The difficulty then shifts to coping with a 400 pound gorilla called the past. Following a painful breakup, a sense of friendship may still exist but not necessarily a sense of true INTIMACY. Can a couple truly restore the intimacy they once experienced during their former romance? The answer depends on how much work both are willing to do to achieve that goal.

First of all, restoring intimacy after a breakup is really two separate issues- true intimacy cannot be restored until the breakup has been fully addressed. This means looking back at the entire relationship and the underlying issues which caused the breakup. Taking inventory of a failed relationship is never easy, so couples should not expect miracles at first. It helps to remember the small events first- memorable dates, shared jokes, embarrassing moments. Intimacy begins when the arc of the relationship is remembered more than the breakup. Couples interested in restoring a broken relationship need to remember what brought them together in the first place.

A breakup is literally and figuratively the death of a relationship, so the entire cycle of grief must be allowed to happen. Obviously there will be a time when neither partner wants to be in the same room or planet as the other. This is all to be expected in the denial and anger phases of grief. The circumstances surrounding the breakup may even demand a physical separation, at least until the immediate issues are resolved. A breakup due to infidelity, for example, may require a partner to avoid seeing the 'scene of the crime' or the other party involved. All of these temporary solutions need to be explored before there is any hope of reconciliation. The former relationship must die completely before it can be reborn.

Both partners also need time to redefine themselves as individuals before considering a return to intimacy. Romantic couples often meld their individual personalities and goals into a new entity. When that entity suffers the shock of a breakup, it can take a while for both halves to re-establish their individuality. For a new intimacy to occur, both partners must bring their new selves to the meeting. The former relationship involved two people who didn't have the foresight of a painful breakup. A new relationship involves two people who now understand how to hurt each other. The old personalities simply cannot enter into a new relationship and hope to create true intimacy.

Some couples who reconcile too quickly after a breakup discover that very few things have actually changed between them. The need to feel secure or appreciated or protected may override the natural healing process. Being alone again after a long relationship can be very scary, so some former partners will seek out an ex simply for the illusion of intimacy. Humans tend to seek out the solution with the least amount of unknowns, which in relationship terms can mean a premature return to a safer time. Couples who truly seek a return to intimacy should recognize the difference between a temporary emotion born from anxiety and a deeper desire to correct the mistakes of the past and rekindle a mature relationship.

Tthe effects of infidelity

Before entering into an affair, remember that the effects of infidelity are sometimes temporary, but many times it can be permanent.

Many factors can ruin a relationship. Infidelity is one of the top reasons. Why is it that infidelity is hard to forgive and forget? The aftermath is usually longer than the actual affair. What are the effects of infidelity on a relationship?

Trust

Infidelity affects the trust level in a relationship. A relationship is a commitment to each other, together and apart. Infidelity breaks the trust that one has for their partner when they are apart. An affair is cloaked in location and activity lies. Therefore it is difficult to believe what one says. If there are children in the relationship, they are being lied to also. The time spent away with the lover, is time away from the children. One must lie to them about their absence. Older children are keener, thus they can see through and dissect lies. Too many disappointments can lead to resentment in children. With resentment and lack of trust, it is impossible to have a healthy relationship with one’s children.

Lack of trust may cause constant suspicion and interrogation. This can create a tense and hostile home environment, even if the affair is over. The lingering aura of the affair is enough to cause spontaneous arguments.

Self Esteem

Infidelity hurts one’s partner, because it may attack their self-esteem. One begins to question their value and worth against their partner’s lover. What is it that he/she has that I don’t have? Are they younger, slimmer, more handsome? Self-analysis easily transpires into self-criticism.

Self-destructive criticism manifests into a self-fulfilling prophecy. One who feels ugly, sometimes becomes ugly. Depression is a highly plausible result of destructive self-criticism. Depression literally depresses drives and motivation. The desire to care for one’s physical appearance begins to decline, and then disappear. The infidelous partner uses this as an excuse for their infidelity. In actuality they have directly contributed to it. Low self-esteem in one’s partner can manifest in any ways other than depression. It can cause the offended partner to become adulterous, themselves.

Partners and spouses are not the only ones to suffer a self-esteem blow when one cheats. Children begin to question their worth when they witness a parent’s infidelity. Many may blame themselves for the parent’s absence. They may feel that they are not good enough, or behave well enough for the parent to want to be with them. They may feel that they have driven the parent away.

These can lead to anxieties in a child such as perfectionist behavior or obsessive-compulsive disorder. Girls who grow up with an adulterous father may develop trust issues with men when they grow up. Or she may have hostile feelings towards men because of what she witnessed her mother endure, when she was a child.

Boys who witness infidelity may have low respect for women as their father did for their mother. They may feel that being a man is equal to being adulterous. If their mother is the adulterous one, he may view women as immoral and have issues of trust or resentment towards them.

Image

If one holds a high profile position, locally or internationally, infidelity can ruin one’s public image. Politicians, religious leaders and activists cannot afford any moral based scandals. Infidelity can cost a high profile person their career. The American public is infatuated with infidelity on the big and small screen. But many are quite unforgiving of infidelity in their leaders.

Infidelity is an expensive habit. If it leads to divorce of a marriage, the legal judgments may be affected by infidelity. Pain, suffering and alimony allotments are weighed against the reason of the marriage dissolution.

Infidelity can also affect child custody rulings. Character judgments will be filtered through the affair. It may be embarrassing for the adulterer and their lover to be publicly scrutinized. Infidelity usually makes for a messy divorce. And post divorce relationships can often be bitter and hostile.

Infidelity causes inter-generational as well as career damage. Some of this damage can be repaired through professional counseling. But some damage is irreparable. Before entering into an affair, remember that the effects of infidelity are sometimes temporary, but many times it can be permanent.

More on flirting and body language

by Tracey Cox

A number of subconscious triggers play a major role in the dating game, governing how we see each other. Find out how to avoid getting the push before you've said "hello"!

Statistics differ but most experts agree it takes us between 90 seconds and four minutes to decide if we fancy someone - and as much as we'd like to think it all rests on that witty one-liner, it doesn't.

50% of the impression we get from someone comes through our body language

38% is from the tone, speed and inflection of our voice

and a mere 7% is from what we're actually saying!

First impressions

This doesn't mean you can get away with droning on about your passion for snails and butterfly collection forever (content is crucial later), but it does mean you need to get the body language right straight away or they won't bother to stick around to find out how fascinating you are.

If you're not already feeling horribly self-conscious, you should be. To make you completely paranoid, here's another scary thought. Before you've even spoken to the person you've got your eye on, the way you've walked and stood is more than 80 per cent of their first impression of you!

We make snap judgements based on instinct but the fact is, almost every facet of our personality is evident from our appearance, posture and the way we move.

So, how do we tell if our body is sending the right signals - and (more importantly) how to read theirs? Let your body do the talking (and the flirting) by learning to recognise...

The five secret sexual signals that someone is flirting with you

1)The flirting triangle. When we look at people we're not familiar with (in a business situation for instance), our eyes make a zig-zag motion: we look from eye to eye and across the bridge of the nose.

With friends, the look drops below eye level and moves into a triangle shape: we look from eye to eye but also look down to include the nose and mouth.

Once we start flirting, the triangle gets even bigger - it widens at the bottom to include their good bits (like the body). The more intense the flirting, the more intensely we'll look from eye to eye - and the more time we'll spend looking at their mouth.

If someone is watching your mouth while you're talking to them, it can be very, very seductive. It could be that they're imagining what it would be like to kiss you.

2)Mirroring. This is what separates a good flirt from a great flirt: nothing will bond you more effectively than mirroring someone's behaviour. This simply means you do whatever it is they do. If they lean forward to tell you something intimate, you lean in to meet them. If they sit back to take a sip of their drink and look you in the eye, you pause then follow suit.

The theory behind mirroring is that we like people who are like us. If someone is doing what we're doing, we feel they're on the same level as us and in the same mood as we are.

There are two no-go areas with this one, though: firstly, only mirror positive body language; second, capture the spirit rather than mimicking them. As a general rule, wait around 50 seconds before following their gestures.

3)The eyebrow flash. When we first see someone we're attracted to, our eyebrows rise and fall. If they are similarly attracted, they raise their eyebrows in return. Never noticed? It's not surprising since the whole thing lasts only about a fifth of a second!

We're not consciously aware of doing it, but it's a gesture that is duplicated by every culture on Earth. In fact, some experts claim it's the most instantly recognised non-verbal sign of greeting used by humans.

The trick is to watch for it when you meet someone you fancy. Better still, tell them you're interested on a subconscious level by prolonging your eyebrow flash for up to one second - deliberately raise them while catching their eye for full impact.

4)Pointing. Sneak a peek at what their feet and hands are doing - we tend to point toward the person we're interested in. If we find someone attractive, we'll often point at them subconsciously with our hands arms, feet, legs, toes.

Again, it's an unconscious indicator to make our intentions known. Unconsciously, this is often picked up by the other person, without them really knowing why.

So if you've got your eye on someone in the corner, point your body in their direction - even if you don't make eye contact, they may take the hint.

5)Blinking. If someone likes what they see, their pupil size increases and so does their blink rate. If you want to up the odds in your favour, try increasing the blink rate of the person you're talking to, by blinking more yourself. If the person likes you, they'll unconsciously try to match your blink rate to keep in sync with you, which in turn, makes you both feel more attracted to each other!

Now, one final word before you go rushing off to the nearest bar to practise all this. Before you go, you must understand...

The golden rule of body language

Don't judge on one thing alone. Sitting with your arms crossed is often perceived as a defensive, stand-off posture. But it might also mean you're freezing cold, you're having a fat day or just spilt coffee all over your top!

Don't jump to conclusions, instead look for clusters of behaviour. If someone has their arms crossed and their lips are pursed disapprovingly, it's a fairly safe bet they are on the defensive. Most body language experts favour the Rule of Four, which means look for at least four signals suggesting the same thing before totally believing it.

Safety on dates

If you're cyber dating, using the personals or even a dating agency you haven't tried before, it makes sense to...

• Arrange to meet for coffee or lunch rather than dinner. Not only are you safer in the day but you don't waste time if it doesn't work. Help prevent any unwanted chasing (which might turn into stalking) by being polite but not leading them on. If you don't fancy them, just say '"You're a lovely person, but unfortunately, not what I was looking for."
• Stick to an area that's well lit with lots of people around. It's a good idea to meet in a place where you're known so the person you're with can be identified. Chat away to the waiter/waitress so it's obvious you've been seen with them.
• Don't invite strangers to your home and don't go to theirs until you know them very well.
• Trust your gut instinct and listen carefully to their relationship history. Are they using the service for the right reasons or are they just after sex?
• Give the details of your date to several friends - where you'll be, the time you'll meet, the person's name, phone number and address. Get them to phone you an hour into the date to check you're OK; you phone them a few hours later to report in again.

Do you & your partner want the same things?

The test of any relationship comes with time: as we get older, so our views, aspirations and ambitions change. Relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall looks at how to help your relationship face the challenge.

The first attraction

Having things in common is often a major part of the initial attraction to our partners. Some anthropologists will tell you that at an unconscious level we even go so far as to choose partners who look like us.

As a relationship develops, each shared experience gives us the chance to check out if we're compatible. Do we share the same taste in music? Do we laugh at the same jokes? Do we like the same people?

If we seem to have plenty in common, we'll begin to explore each other's aspirations to see if we have a shared future together.

What our ambitions say about us

When we begin to talk about our dreams and ambitions, we're sharing the things that are closest to our hearts. We're saying something about our personal values and about our priorities. For example:

• If you won £1million, what would you do with it? Or, to put it another way, what are the things that make you happy?
• If you could have only three things with you on a desert island, what would they be? Or, what are the most important things in your life?

Each to their own

The person who says "f I won a million, I'd buy us a new home" is saying something quite different from the person who says "I'd buy myself a sports car".

The person who forgets to mention their partner as one of the things they'd have on a desert island with them had better be ready to defend themselves.

When dreams change

Your partner always insisted they hated travel, but has now announced a desire to emigrate to Peru. How can that happen?

As we get older, most of us become wiser and more self-confident. Our tastes change and so do our priorities. It's this capacity to change that makes it possible to be happy with the same person for 70 years. And when both partners change and grow together, it can be a life-enriching experience.

But change can also a little scary. We may fear that our partner is growing away from us. For a time it may seem we have less in common, that we don't know them as well as we thought. But even if your dreams are off course for a while, it doesn't mean they won't come together again in the future.

Talking together

The most important thing is to share the same personal values and priorities in life with your partner. And when couples talk about their underlying motivations and needs, they often discover that they do.

For example: If you want to abseil down Mount Kilimanjaro and your partner wants to write science fiction, you both want to satisfy a personal need to accomplish something that takes stamina, perseverance and skill.

Or if your partner wants to work as much overtime as possible while you want to have more time at home, underneath you may both believe that the children come first and want to do what you can to provide for them.

Practical exercise

If your goals in life seem to be worlds apart, don't give up yet. Sit down together and identify what need within you that goal is going to satisfy. You may well find that your goals are the same as your partner's - it's just the paths that are different. Have a look at Your hopes and dreams to find out more.

Secrets of successful relationships

Every relationship needs a solid foundation if it's to survive all life can throw at it. Relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall looks at the seven essentials that spell success.

1. Love yourself

Unless you love yourself, it's hard for you to believe that anyone else will.

Self-esteem is important for a healthy relationship. When you truly like yourself, in spite of any failings and weaknesses you may have, you'll feel confident. And when you feel confident and secure within yourself, you can enjoy being with your partner for the joy they bring to your life, not because you feel you need them to survive. For tips on building confidence see the Improving confidence site.

If you've had bad experiences in the past, it's worth working through these issues with a trusted friend or counsellor. It can be tempting to lean on your partner and rely on them for reassurance, but the stronger you are as an individual, the stronger and more equal your relationship will be.

2. Like your partner

Healthy relationships happen between two people who really like each other. It may be more romantic to talk about love, but it's important to remember that love is an emotion that comes and goes.

If you genuinely like each other, enjoy being together, agree with how each other thinks and behaves, and share the same dreams in life, then loving feelings will never be too far away.

It's important to tell your partner you like them, too. Warm words of encouragement and support build trust and respect. Add the odd compliment as well and you'll be helping to boost their self-esteem.

3. Make quality time

The importance of things can be measured by the amount of time we're willing to give them. When a couple first gets together, they instinctively prioritise their relationship. But as time goes by and life gets busier with work and children, time together often slips down the list of priorities.

If you don't spend regular quality time together, chances are you'll drift apart. Making such time for each other may mean sacrificing other activities, but remember it's an investment in your future happiness.

4. Communicate

Good communication is essential for a healthy relationship. It's the only way you can tell your partner who you are, what you want and why you behave the way you do. Talking is the way we let each other into our private worlds.

Communicating better is about learning to say openly and honestly exactly what you think and feel. It also means listening to your partner without judgement. For more see Talk and listen.

5. Argue well

It's important to accept that arguments are a normal part of a relationship. We're all unique and so we're bound to have our differences.

Couples who argue well don't have to worry about not always agreeing. A good argument is an opportunity to share your feelings and strengthen your bond by reaching a decision you're both happy with. It can be an experience that leaves you both feeling more confident about your relationship and brings you closer together.

6. Touch every day

Touching is a vital human need. Studies have shown that without touching, many animals - including humans - will die in childhood. Being caressed also lowers blood pressure and releases natural opiates in the brain, as well as the chemical oxytocin, which is essential for human pair-bonding. For more, see Sensual touching.

Touch has the power to comfort and support, to protect and encourage, to relax and, of course, to arouse. Every couple knows their sex life may have dry periods, but our need for physical affection never changes.

7. Accept change

People change over the years and it's these changes that can keep a relationship alive. Life changes too - and not always in ways that we want.

Change can provide opportunities for growth and intimacy, but it can also be painful. It may mean adjusting to a new way of thinking or a new way of life. It may also mean letting go of things that have been familiar and safe.

In successful relationships, couples learn to adapt and change together. They accept that change is an inevitable part of human life and support each other, for better for worse.

Keeping all seven principles going isn't easy, but the more you can manage on a regular basis, the stronger your relationships will be.