To snag a man, let him do the chasing

Author of ‘How to be a Hepburn in a Hilton World,’ says don't call him.

TODAY books

updated 3:13 p.m. ET Aug. 14, 2009

In her book "How to be a Hepburn in a Hilton World," author Jordan Christy says that women should be polite, well-spoken, gracious, charming and thoughtful — despite the images proliferated by wild celebutantes. In this excerpt, she writes that in order to find love, women should not pursue men. An excerpt.

Let him come calling
Turns out our mother was right—ladies shouldn’t make the first move. Let’s be honest, do you really want to have to tell your children, “That’s right, kids, I had to beat down your father’s door and constantly create diversions to get his attention! I sent multiple text messages, wore my shortest skirts, and practically threw myself at him before he noticed me. But don’t you worry, I eventually wore him down!” Of course not. We all want a guy to approach us, fall madly in love, and not be able to wait to call us. So how do you make that happen? It’s actually not complicated at all (at least not nearly as difficult and convoluted as we girls make it). You’ll see how, starting with the basics of dating, the truth about girls who make the first move, the importance of not ruining a good thing, why he needs to call you, and when it’s okay to give it away.

First of all, we live in an extremely deceiving society. We’ve seen Lindsay Lohan making out with a different guy (or girl) in some pool every week and the Kardashians hooking up with every piece of eye candy the cat drags in. Casual sex is oh-so-glamorous through the lens of movies and TV. Instant messaging, texting, and video messages are the norm between guys and girls. But the painful, real-life truth is that none of this works. Why? Because it goes against the basic laws of nature, that’s why! If you glean nothing else from this book, I want you to hear this headline-worthy, urgent-newsflash, critical-emergency, vital-stat message: We make ourselves waaaay too accessible. How, you may ask? Let me count the ways.

In no particular order, we have the following means of scaring off a new guy: e-mailing, Facebook messaging, MySpace stalking, texting, calling, showing up unannounced, inviting him over, and did I mention coming on too strong? We will delve into these atrocities in more detail later on and talk about why being so accessible is nothing but a curse, but first let’s look at how it ever got to this point.

It’s no secret that we girls start fantasizing about a fairy-tale wedding and happily-ever-after love story around the same time we start teething (I still have a wedding book that I compiled at age six!). Relationships are a big deal to us. We want to hear all about our roommate’s new boyfriend, have to get every detail of our coworker’s upcoming nuptials, and lament right along with Jennifer Aniston over Brad Pitt as if he cheated on us. We love to watch TLC’s A Wedding Story, feverishly scan Us Weekly for the latest blossoming celebrity romance, and sob every time we see Sleepless in Seattle. We spend hours prepping ourselves for a date and even more time obsessing about what our potential children will look like and whether or not our initials mesh nicely. Conclusion: girls love love.

So why would you subconsciously sabotage all those efforts through your modern-day attempts at finding true love? This question baffles me daily. I’d like to think that it’s out of sheer naiveté—most girls don’t appear to be in a lucid mental state when they’re throwing themselves at some circus clown off the street and clearly aren’t aware that they are actually driving that poor boy further away. But luckily, you will no longer have to be the victim of such careless ways in love, because we’re going to start doing things the right way—the old-fashioned way! And it starts by not messing with nature.

Well over a century ago (in 1870, to be exact), William Shakespeare Hays wrote a wonderful song called “Truly Yours.” The lyrics just go to show you that this whole love–romance–dating thing has been going on a long time, and we’re probably not going to be the ones to change the entire course of it anytime soon.

In these lyrics we have the entire saga of love and romance summed up in a few phrases: guy meets girl, guy falls in love with girl, guy can’t think of anyone but her and is obsessed with girl up until dying day à la The Notebook. This age-old plot could explain the rapid popularity of said movie. I know all of us ladies love that love story, and as much as they might grumble, deep down, every guy likes the movie, too (even my husband, who has a beard, drives a truck, and aspires to be a lumberjack). Why? Because it is, without a doubt, the ideal, most picturesque illustration of romance: guys want a girl to chase after, and girls want a guy to want to track them down.

It has always been this way—from Adam and Eve to knights climbing the tower for their lady in waiting to Jane Austen’s generation of gallant gentlemen writing letters to their intended, right up to our reality-obsessed era of Girls Gone Wild. Guys still want to pursue the girl, and no amount of cell phones, sex tapes, and IM conversations are going to change that. I’m not sure why we’ve all of a sudden taken it upon ourselves to change the structural makeup of a guy’s mind, but I’m telling you right now, it’s pointless. The implementation of the Sadie Hawkins dance in 1937 didn’t do anything to alter the ingrained behaviors of guys and girls. I hate to say it, but you’re never going to get the guy until you simply let him be the guy. And what do guys want to do? Chase things!

Sometimes it may feel like we are the only ones in this confusing cycle, but this whole process has been around since the beginning of time. It’s history. It’s nature. It’s just the way of it! Men are natural-born hunters—they like the thrill of the chase. It’s why boys like to race cars, bid on worthless eBay junk, and go hunting in the woods. They love a good pursuit. You don’t see many of us females out tackling opponents to claim some pigskin ball on a perfectly good Sunday afternoon, do you? Nope. We’re also not usually on the front lines racing after some impending tornado or disastrous storm. And while we were politely fixing tea and cupcakes for our dolls and friends, the rowdy neighbor boys were in hot pursuit of the bad guy, playing cops and robbers. It’s in their nature to hunt, chase, and track down, and if you make yourself readily available (calling, texting, stalking), guys no longer have anything to pursue. And if there’s nothing there to chase after, dream about, or hunt down, they’ve probably already lost interest.

Don’t believe me? If you’re still of the I’ll-get-the-check-not-him mentality, all stubborn and adamant that we just go out and snag a man, I challenge you to take a gander at the responses to the question I posed to ten delightful, successful, happily married men: Did she pursue you, or did you pursue her? Their answers show that the odds are against those trying to muster up the guts to do the asking first.

Jeremy, married five years: I definitely had to pursue Sarah. She wasn’t interested in me at all, so I went out and bought concert tickets to see her favorite band to try and impress her.

Herman, married seventy-eight years: I met Emma when I was eighteen and she was just sixteen. I was very nervous about asking her parents’ permission to take her out, but I just knew she was the one and knew I had to go for it. So we started seeing each other and were married two months later. That was a long time ago!

Bo, married four years: Even though Claire and I had known each other for years, I had to make the first move. We saw each other for the first time in years, and she just looked so great that I asked for her number and asked her out there on the spot.

Joey, married eleven years: I had to go after Brandi. She just got out of a relationship and didn’t really want to have anything to do with me, or any guy, for that matter. But I eventually wore her down, and now she’s stuck with me!

Greg, married forty-two years: I had to pursue Carol. Two of our mutual friends even tried to set us up on a date, but she refused! So I just kept asking her out until she finally agreed. We went to a high school basketball game together, and the rest is history.

José, married one year: I had to pursue her. I met Tina when we were playing a show at a small club in this obscure town in Alaska. I thought she was the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen, so I started talking to her after the show, asked for her number, and called her first thing the next morning.

Christopher, married seventeen years: I had to do all the work! I first saw Kerry when our high school football team played her school on a Friday night. She was a cheerleader, she was so cute, and I knew that I just had to say something to her afterward. So I waited around for an hour and a half after the game to talk to her.

Al, married thirty-three years: Well, we were only in eighth grade, but I still had to do the pursuing! I wrote Paula a note, asking if she would go steady. She said yes, and we dated all through high school and got married the day she turned eighteen!

Jefferson, married nine years: I met Bonita at a church picnic and definitely had to pursue her. She didn’t want to have anything to do with me, but I just kept annoying her and pestering her until she finally agreed to go on a date.

Ryan, married three years: Natalie came to one of our band’s shows with a bunch of her friends; I saw her in the crowd and just knew that I had to go talk to her, so I think you could safely say that I pursued her. I found her after¬ward, got her number, and haven’t stopped talking to her since!

My sweet boy Drew had to do the pursuing, as well—I even turned him down twice before agreeing to a date, because I thought he was too quiet. He told me later that he was beyond distraught and even couldn’t eat for days because he knew he wanted to marry me but I didn’t seem to want to have anything to do with him! Luckily, he mustered up what dignity he had left and asked again, and as it turns out, the third time was the charm. He ended up taking me to the exact place I had told my sister that I wanted my future husband to take me on our first date, and from that first night on, I knew I was going to marry him, too.

Even rock stars and celebrities have to do some pursuing. When it comes to men being the go-getters in relationships, Kelly Ripa’s hunky husband Mark Consuelos says candidly, “I don’t think guys like to be put on a pedestal or, you know, have their butts kissed . . . Honestly, that kind of freaks us out. We definitely like a challenge.”

When Rob Thomas met his future wife, Marisol, she apparently was not impressed with him or his appearance, and he had to pursue, as well. “He looked awful,” she says. “He was wearing khaki drawstring pants he’d rolled up to the knee for some reason. He was also wearing a gigantic T-shirt and a floppy fisherman’s hat with Mickey Mouse on it . . . I just thought, ‘This is so wrong and so tragic.’” But despite her qualms about his fashion sense, she gave him her number when he asked for it, and a couple of months later, they were engaged.

So regardless of the guy’s current status, bank account, background, or beliefs, if he’s interested, he will do the pursuing. There’s no need to interfere with the ways of nature! Doing so will only scare him off (and I have waaaay too many stories to prove this—ask me sometime and I’d be more than happy to share them!). Of this phenomenon the bold and beautiful Beyoncé says, “When you really don’t like a guy, they’re all over you, and as soon as you act like you like them, they’re no longer interested.”

So how do you avoid the clingy-and-desperate act yet still let him know that you’re available? It all goes back to not making yourself too accessible. It’s not very twenty-first-century-empowered-woman of me to say this, but you simply need to let him call you. Grace Kelly once said, “Emancipation of women has made them lose their mystery.” And a woman’s mystery is one of the biggest attracting factors for a guy. So when in doubt, just put those phones away and keep them there, because dialing his digits four hours after you’ve met is only going to turn him off. In fact, here is a list of activities to abstain from during the initial courting period (which can range from the original meeting to several months down the road—you’ll know when this time is over when he asks you to be exclusively his!).

Making the initial call—the only way you’re allowed to call him is if he first calls you and leaves a specific message asking you to call him back. There are no exceptions, including “Maybe he lost my number” or “He’s really busy, so he probably just forgot” or “He has bad service, so I should just call him.” If he was seriously interested in you, he would never, I repeat, NEVER lose that number, and he would easily make his way to some dark alley to get a few service bars on his phone.

Texting incessantly—especially two hours after you met him to say how much you liked the shirt that he wore tonight. Nothing drains the elusive female mystique faster than a text message that showcases your innermost thoughts and feelings. Leave him to hope, wonder, and get butterflies. Texting does not leave him wanting more.

Social network interaction—nothing says overzealous like a creepy MySpace friend request, and I have yet to meet a girl that ended up with a guy she stalked online. If he’s interested, he will find you. And even then, you shouldn’t get involved in an e-message/IM situation. If he is truly interested, he will want to talk with and see you in person, so there’s no need to start a bizarre-o online relationship.

Too-revealing updates—you need to completely disregard that impulse to race back to your room and blog that you’ve just met the man of your dreams. Word will inevitably get back to him that you’re obsessed with him, and he’ll assume you’re a little batty and will be scared poopless. Guys don’t want to hear that you’re planning their wedding or naming their unborn children (even if you are!), so let’s skip the emotional Facebook updates and the tell-all Twitters.

Planting yourself in strategic spots—the unnatural act of hanging around his hangouts is not only transparent, it’s weird. I’m convinced that if you’re truly destined to be with someone, you won’t have to leave your house at a calculated time, hide out in the bushes for hours, and then magically materialize, looking fresh-faced, surprised to see him, and very available. For the record, driving by his house or apartment multiple times a day doesn’t work, either.

Again, once he has lovingly gazed into your eyes and said that he can’t imagine himself with anyone else, you’re pretty much free to call and text whenever. Until then, the key is to keep him wanting more. And you can’t do that when you’re getting a tan from the 24/7 glow of that cell phone, obnoxiously informing him of every minute detail of your day while subtly slipping in hints of matrimony and grandchildren. Luckily, by the time he’s professed his undying love, it means that he is so enamored of you that you won’t be able to get rid of him—soon you’ll be politely asking him to just leave you alone for a couple hours so that you can get some actual work done!

One of my favorite literary characters of all time, Gone with the Wind’s Scarlett O’Hara, said, “Why does a girl have to be so silly to catch a husband?” Judging by the actions of most females these days, one might think this is exactly what we have to do. Between Tila Tequila’s degrading hooker-like antics and the bulk of The Bachelor contestants’ hot-tub-and-champagne shenanigans, silly is an understatement. But in reality, the majority of guys aren’t looking for stupid; they just want a fun, smart, down-to-earth girl they can take home to Mom.

Excerpted from "How to be a Hepburn in a Hilton World" by Jordan Christy. Copyright © 2009 by Jordan Christy. Reprinted by Center Street, a division of Hachette Book Group, New York, NY. All rights reserved.

10 Dating Deal Breakers: Reasons He Might Break Up with You

Editor's Note: Have you ever been blindsided by a breakup? Well, we don't want that to ever happen to you again. That's why we're presenting you with these dating deal breakers, reasons he might break up with you, all-star dating advice from the guys at AskMen.com. Some of the dating deal breakers they list are obvious. Some aren't. But either way, it never hurts to keep dating tips and dating advice from guys in your back pocket.

She doesn't back you up.
As men, we tend to engage in a few questionable activities from time to time. We'll speak out of turn or end up putting our foot in our mouth on more than one occasion. The comment may be benign, or just a controversial opinion, but it's your opinion nevertheless and you're entitled to it. At which point the standoff becomes clear and your back is against the wall. Your girlfriend should be right there next to you against that wall. If she doesn't respect you enough to back you up in public with friends, parents or colleagues, and if she berates you for it later, you've got yourself a dating deal breaker.

She flirts with other guys

There can be few things more detestable in life than the feeling that you're girlfriend is having more fun with another man than she does with you. If you and your girlfriend go out with a group and you find her authentically laughing at his jokes, touching his arm, generally enjoying his company -- in other words, flirting -- this is a deal breaker. That sour feeling in the pit of your stomach isn't going to go away easily and it's going to cast a pall over the entire relationship.

She neglects you publicly
Sometimes a woman's interest is caught by a passerby, a friend from college, an old colleague from work or an old boyfriend. As a man, you don't necessarily need to be the paramount priority in her life, but you do expect to warrant enough regard not to be ignored when this sort of thing occurs. It's demeaning to watch as your girlfriend carries on a conversation with this person, while you're nervously laughing along, smiling and nodding silently because she hasn't introduced you. This shows just how low you are on her priority list.

She lies
This is a tough one. You've just caught her in a relatively small lie, maybe she didn't go to the gym like she said she did and instead went for a drink with her friend. Maybe she broke your date due to illness, but later you find out that she was out dancing. Sure, it's just one lie about something that really doesn't affect the grand scheme of your relationship -- it's nice to think that. Unfortunately, that's not the case. If she's willing to lie on matters of such minor importance, she's probably going to lie to save face when the question is more important. Lying, no matter the reason or the outcome, should always be a deal breaker for your relationship.

She criticizes you
Successful men need their integrity and their self-esteem intact. Believing you can do something and building the momentum to actually go and do it is by far the more difficult proposition. If your girlfriend is willing to criticize you in such a way that it cuts so deeply into such an important part of your successful psyche, then that's a definite deal breaker. You may be tempted to let the first one go, but the longer you let that sort of behavior go unchallenged, the more degraded your self-esteem will be when you let her go.

She disappears without telling you
This one is relative to the amount of time you've been dating. If you've been dating a month and she disappears for a week without telling you what's going on, that's a dating deal breaker. Similarly, if you've been dating for eight months and she disappears for three weeks without prior explanation, you've got yourself a solid deal breaker. She owes you an explanation if she's going on vacation or to visit a sick relative or for any reason whatsoever. You don't have to agree with it, but the fact that she doesn't even mention to you what's going on and remains incommunicado while she's away is ridiculously disrespectful. There's no good excuse not to cut her loose in this case.

She abuses you
When your girlfriend lays into you, either with fists of fury or scathing comments, you need to let her go. Relationships are built upon trust and mutual respect. You're showing her respect every day by valuing her as a person and you deserve the same at an absolute minimum. If she's able to fly off the handle and really try to hurt you, she's unhinged and you need to let her go.

She scolds you publicly
The last thing you want is to look like a scorned child in public. You've been railing against that feeling since you were 13 years old. If you're out in a public setting and your girlfriend attempts to correct your behavior with utter disregard to the surrounding scene, you're smack dab in the middle of a dating deal breaker. She's not your mother and you're not her child. You're equals in a relationship, although she apparently doesn't think so. Whatever she wants to say to you, she should say in private and discuss it like adults. To scold you in public is right on the fast track to relationship forfeiture.

She has a substance abuse problem
Having a problem with drugs or alcohol is a pretty big deal. Suddenly, priorities are shifted around and the demon becomes all-encompassing. What she does to you suddenly takes a back seat to feeding an addiction. If you suddenly discover her problem, 9 times out of 10, it's a deal breaker. The exception is if you helped to contribute to that problem, or she developed it in some way because of you. In that case you've got an obligation to the issue you've helped create. It's a treacherous tightrope to walk, best of luck.

She cheats
The granddaddy of all dating deal breakers: This is such a slap in the face to you, your trust, whatever you built in your relationship, and her integrity. When she cheats she encompasses almost every other deal breaker there is and compounds the problem. The second she's cheated there should be no second chances. If you give a second chance, you're cultivating bad behavior and inviting round after round of infidelity. Most people will cheat, or they won't. It's a binary condition and if you're girlfriend has cheated you've found yourself on the losing end of that deal. It's the No. 1 relationship deal breaker and you just need to walk away with your dignity intact.

The Dangers of Dating a Coworker

While dating a coworker might seem like a wild, adventurous thrill ride that could make an otherwise drab workweek that much more exciting, there are a few key factors to keep in mind before taking the plunge into an office romance.

These points are critical, especially for those of you who are trying to advance your career in a small office environment.

Size Matters

A small- to medium-size office can be a potentially disastrous place to find oneself attracted to a female colleague. While falling for a coworker isn't necessarily advised in any office environment, this holds especially true in a small workplace where everyone is into everyone else's business — both personal and work-related.

You are already in direct contact with her on a daily basis, you talk about life and work, you have coffee and perhaps the occasional lunch here and there, it's almost as if the early stages of the dating game have already been taken care of.

To Leap or Not to Leap?

But at what point do you decide if it's worth your while — and potentially your future at that job — to take the next step and become involved with your coworker? Well, before you make any drastic decisions, our best advice is to take a closer look at all the potential benefits and disasters that could be associated with this new career move.

Then — and only then — can you truly ask yourself: "Does the play outweigh the price I may have to pay?"

The Benefits

As with most new relationships, the real excitement comes in the early stages: the flirting, the secret emails, the smiles and sexual glances, the playful jokes and letters. These are all bonuses that will most definitely bring joy to your long, hard day at the office. Let's take a look at some of the specific benefits.

• You feel vitalized when you wake up in the morning; you can't wait to see her all decked out in her office attire, complete with that cheery smile when she sees you walk in. Perhaps even a little "good morning" peck on the cheek— in private, of course.
• If she's the office babe, chances are you'll feel and act like the office stud with this new boost of excitement in your life. However, the other guys in the office might be somewhat jealous of you when they catch on. But you couldn't care less; you're on top of the world, right?
• You get to have lunch together. An otherwise boring office lunch can magically turn into an intimate lunch date complete with flirting, frolicking and maybe even a quickie.
• During private time, you'll always have something to talk about when your conversation becomes stale, as you both live and breathe 40 hours of the same workspace each and every week.
• You always have someone to confide in concerning your work-related problems. Likewise, you can be there for her when she needs to blow off some steam.
• The thrill of being intimate in the office during the day, after hours and when others aren't looking can be very exciting.
• If you share good chemistry, chances are you'll work well in groups and complement one another on certain aspects of your jobs.

The Downsides

As with everything in life, along with the good comes the bad. The only difference in this case is that when it's bad, it's horrible.

• When things aren't going your way at work, whether it's a personal issue or a work-related incident, the last thing you need is added pressure stemming from tension between you and your office flame. That cold, hard glare she lets off can really burn a hole right through the back of your brain when tension arises. Even worse is when others around the office have to witness this chaos. Not pleasant in the least.
• The more private time you spend together during office hours, the more and more you'll begin to alienate yourself from your other colleagues. The worst thing you can do is distance yourself from your immediate associates, especially those you've developed personal relationships with. As soon as trouble in corporate paradise rears its ugly head and you find yourself as the office outsider, you'll have to work overtime to regain their trust and friendship.
• When the going gets tough, it's difficult to avoid one another in a small office. Chances are your office space or workstation is just around the corner from hers, so attempting to ignore her all week is virtually impossible. In a larger office, you may be able to pull it off.
• Office gossip can destroy your chances of promotion. Should your boss discover that you're more preoccupied with your relationship than with your job, you may find yourself writing those cute little love notes on a pink slip.
• No matter how much excitement your coworkers have in their personal lives, they always seem to be trying to catch you in the act. If they sense that something is going on between you and your lady friend, they'll do everything in their power to expose you. If you are caught in an act of intimacy during office hours, you're busted. This alone can severely harm your professional image.
• If she's having a bad day, guess who's first in line to hear about it all day at work, then some more during private time?
• If she's having mood swings, you're public enemy No. 1.

The Breakup

As with many relationships, you may find that this one simply isn't working out. Should you decide that it's time to break it off, those 40 work hours per week might feel like an eternity in the early stages of the breakup. The beauty of breaking off a normal relationship is that you no longer have to see the other person afterward. Obviously, the same rules don't apply when it comes to an office fling.

• If you are responsible for ending it, she might seek revenge and try to make your life hell at work. She may even try to get you canned.
• On the other hand, if she ends it, you could be the bitter one and you might even attempt to seek revenge of your own. What's worse, jealousy may take its toll when you witness her flirting with other employees, going out on lunch dates and ultimately moving on with her life — without you. Such distractions can seriously harm your performance at work.
• And last but not least, if you gossiped about other coworkers with her or bad-mouthed anyone during your good times together, there's a chance that those comments will come back to haunt you.

Make a Professional Decision

So there you have it. If you ever find yourself in this type of predicament, do whatever you feel is right, but let your brain weigh the pros and cons before enrolling yourself in a crash course in career chaos.

Unless you honestly believe that you can juggle your career and a relationship with one hand, you might want to do yourself a favor and keep your business and personal lives separate.

On the other hand, it's only natural to find yourself attracted to someone you work with closely day in and day out. While larger offices are generally more impersonal, smaller work environments tend to create the type of closeness that can lead to the development of a romantic relationship.

The Conditions Are Right

Plus, when getting involved with a coworker, chances are that you can bypass all the intricate steps that are required to attract and impress her from the get-go.

5 Ways Men Communicate with Women

The relative success of every relationship you maintain in life hinges on communication. It is the foundation and bedrock of your bond with other people. Communication: Can it get any more basic than that?

No. And as a result, you may assume that we are all experts in the field of good communication. Of course, such an assumption is false, and even absurd. Because as we well know, the most common relationship predicament, when you boil it down to the essence of the problem, is communication.

We have difficulty with it and submit to almost unmanageable urges that compel us to act in a manner divergent from good relationship behavior. Men are the main offenders in this epidemic. We have that massive male ego to contend with for one, and an almost primordial instinct to "win" at every endeavor we partake in.

Fight to the death

When we unleash these typical male forces in the confines of our relationship, we blaze a trail of self-destruction. We start a pattern of dysfunction that breeds contempt, malice and the eventual downfall of the relationship. When all you have to do to prevent it is communicate with your woman, being a good partner looks to be a piece of cake, right?

Sure. Then why do most men drop the ball and fail to have a successful relationship with a woman? Check out the statistics or just reflect on the people around you. When it comes to good communication, men suck, and to be honest, many women are not much better. Females may have an innate sense for conflict resolution, but the bottom line is that we can all improve the way we communicate with each other.

Proper communication is so basic, yet we fail to execute most of the time. For that reason, the rules to get there are not rocket science. So if my advice seems more suited to a class of grade school punks, don't be offended or surprised. Sometimes kids can be used as an example to show adults how to get along in social situations. Just go to a local park in the summer to check out a soccer game between six-year-old girls and observe the behavior of the parents. But I digress. Men, start with these tips:

Make time

That's right, make time. Why the blank stare? You set aside time to watch sports, eat and have sex, don't you? Why should communication with your woman be any different? You have to block off an hour or two for quality time with her, whenever possible. Prioritize it. Make the effort to sit down across from her after a long day to discuss work, friends and your relationship. Heck, you can talk about the weather for all I care. Just talk.

Don't force the topic toward the relationship but do seize the opportunity to mention how well things are going or perhaps bring up areas you need to improve on to give her what she needs. In addition, don't shy away from explaining to her what you need from her. Too many men have a problem with this.

Take the time as you sit together, cook together, travel together or eat together to voice your dissatisfaction with certain aspects of the relationship. Just do it in a calm fashion, so as not to alarm her. Reassure her that you're happy (if that is the case) with the overall relationship; you just want one or two things to change. Whatever you want to discuss, just make the time for it and make it a joint effort.

Be an active listener

Sometimes I feel like a broken record but until these universal relationship blunders cease, I suppose I have no choice but to keep on with the same messages. Active listening, as opposed to passive hearing, is one of them.

You've read it before but the truth is that I get so much e-mail from men who have no clue how to do it, that I could write about it every time. It's not that hard to be an active listener but it does require a few traits that men sometimes find elusive: patience, concentration and modesty.

It requires patience because you have to give her as much time to listen to her message as she needs, point blank. Concentration is key because you have to not only look at her, but also focus on her: her eyes, her body language and her voice. What is she saying? What is she telling you? Concentrate.

I include modesty because a lot of men, myself included, have a problem letting someone take the floor for an extended period of time. They like to hear their own voice and want others to hear it too. These men want to dominate the conversation and hold court, so to speak. This is not, sad to say, a trait conducive to good relationship rapport.

So toss your ego aside and let her speak. And above all else, let her have the last word once in a while. Hint: It's not a sign of masculine weakness to do so.

Focus on her nonverbal communication

Some men are just so damn clueless, it makes me want to cry. They either fail to pick up on nonverbal hints from their partner on purpose, or just plain have no sensitivity radar at all. It's astonishing really, to witness these men in action.

Their girlfriends throw up their hands in exasperation or stare at them dumbfounded and hurt when they turn their backs and walk away or start a conversation with someone else. What's the deal with these men?

Hey, I'm no angel but when my woman is sad, upset or angry, an alarm in my head goes off immediately. I just know. Maybe her body language is less subtle than other women, but still, an instinct in me is set off and I quickly attempt to douse the fire. If you're not as quick to respond, you're either a jerk who doesn't care and does it on purpose, or oblivious to the nuances of nonverbal communication.

Here's the lowdown: Nonverbal communication includes gestures, movements, facial expressions, and other physical forms of body language. Take note, however; it also includes tone of voice, sighs, screams and vocal pitch and volume. Pay attention to all of these whenever you communicate with your lady.

In good and bad times, nonverbal communication will serve as an instant sign as to how she feels about you at that very moment, not to mention how she feels in general. No matter what words she chooses, her body language cannot mask her real emotions.

Let her know you care

This is where men get bit in the behind. Our competitive nature compels us to try to win every fight, to the point where we forget the one simple tenet about relationship conflict: There is no winner. It's time to stop thinking of every fight as a chance to get the upper hand and use rhetoric until she admits you're right.

That's not the end goal you should want in the long run. Because if it is, your woman is going to resent you before long. Not good. Which brings me to my point: Let her know, no matter how bad, how intense and how passionate the fight, that you care. Amidst all your rage and even when tempers flare, take a deep breath and do something to let her know that when all is said and done, you love her.

Touch her arm, stroke her hair, put your palm to her cheek, or just say the words, "I love you." Of course, some women don't appreciate such gestures in the "heat of battle" and may shove your hand aside or turn their back. Don't take it personally and don't get upset. Just get the message across that you care, even if she isn't ready to make up.

Do not be one of these guys

The Pretender: This is the man who has the appearances of an active listener but at the end of the day, does not give a damn about what his woman has to say. But give him credit; he manages to fool her almost every time. Too bad he has no idea how she feels at any given moment. His mind is on "more important" things, like his golf game or other women.

The Stage Hog: This big baby has to have all the attention, all the time. He loves to hear the sound of his own voice, to the detriment of his own relationship. Whenever possible, he shifts the focus of the conversation to himself, even if he has done his woman wrong. Do not become this loser.

The Trap-Setter: This selfish type listens to what he wants to hear. He is a selective active listener who turns the tables on his victim to use what she had to say against her at another point in time. His sole goal is to humiliate his woman the next time they fight and ensnare her to make himself look good. But to whom? In the long run, nobody.

The Contradictor: This type can take on many forms. He either refuses to acknowledge that there is a problem and unleashes a fierce temper until he gets his way, or worse yet; he turns his back anytime conflict arises. The bottom line though, is that this child can never take responsibility for his actions or recognize that something is amiss.

The Insensitive Jerk: This noncommunicator can inhabit the body of any other type at any point in time. He is selfish and has his own agenda in mind every time he fights with his woman. For one reason or another, he refuses to show compassion or admit when he is wrong. He can be abusive in a verbal manner or on the other side of the spectrum, hold his emotions in check so that his lady has no idea what is going on inside his small, dysfunctional head. Everyone hates Insensitive Jerk. Do not be him.

It takes time

Although I doubt this will rectify your communication problems completely, I hope it will lead to a greater understanding of your significant other, yourself and what both of you need in order to better listen to each other. Remember that communication is a two-way street. It requires the proper delivery of a message, as well as an active listener to process it. If you keep that in mind and do so with compassion, sensitivity and hold that ego at bay, you should come out a winner... you know what I mean.

6 Things He Doesn't Want You to Know

After a certain time in a relationship, women start to equate what she knows about her guy with intimacy. Apparently, knowing all the little details about each other brings you closer together as a couple. Most men correctly identify this instinct as "nosiness."

There are some things that she doesn't need to know: Obviously, details such as the fact that you did time for murder might need to be dealt with sooner rather than later, but there's a host of other little facts that can be safely swept under the carpet. And for your own peace of mind, it's best if you encourage her to keep some of her stories there as well.

Note that we're not condoning outright lying, but it's often better to duck and dive. Skim over details, downplay the facts, or distract her with something shiny -- anything to keep sensitive information under wraps. More often than not, though, it's just a case of you keeping quiet when a stupid thought pops into your head. We'd like to remind you about all the things she doesn't need to know, just so you can work on keeping that yapper shut and keeping your relationship on calm waters.

• You hooked up with the hot female bartender

There's something deep inside a man that means he can't help but boast. Think about how we were as little kids, always bragging who scored the most goals, who had the best bike, whose dad was the toughest. It's something we men never quite grow out of when you spot that really fine bartender you once made it with, there's a part of you that wants the whole world to know all the details of the sordid encounter. However, if you're with your woman, you have to learn to tell that part of you to shut the hell up because there are things she doesn't need to know, and this is definitely one of them.

It's best to avoid mentioning details regarding any woman you've hooked up with. You might think you have a good reason -- your girl could have jokingly knocked your masculinity or revealed a hookup of her own -- but it's best to just let it go. Pointing out every woman that's been lucky enough to spend time in your company will just lead to resentment and tit-for-tat comparisons of past conquests.

You lived with your parents until recently

OK, so sometimes things don't go as planned and you end up back with the folks. There are many valid reasons why a guy may be forced to move in with his parents for a while -- he might have had a bad breakup, or maybe he just finished college and is broke, or his own house was destroyed by an act of God. No one will think any less of him, right?Wrong: Living with your parents past the age of 21 hardly conveys the impression of a strong, independent man, now does it? First off, while you're still there, you shouldn't be dating. A one-night hookup ending at her place is fine, but nothing long-term. Wait until you're out of there and in your own place.

Once you are dating, mentioning the slip in living circumstances is one of the things she doesn't need to know. If she finds out that living with mom and dad is always an option for you, she'll do one of two things: Get rid of the loser or start to dominate the mama's boy. Neither of which you want.

The bad things your buddies are up to

Everyone's buddies do bad things -- hell, sometimes we even join them. Friendships between single guys are forged through long nights of drinking, screwing around and causing trouble. Women know this, and they don't like it.

So keep your mouth shut on all the reprehensible behavior your pals get up to, even if she seems to enjoy the stories -- secretly, she doesn't, and this is one of those things she doesn't need to know. In reality, your girl isn't happy to hear about Frank's latest DUI, the new girl that Dave knocked up or Charlie's obsession with hookers -- what she's doing is judging you by their actions.

In her eyes, the sins of all your friends rub off on you. If you relish telling the stories of their hell-raising exploits, your woman might get the idea that you want to be single again, and she'll want you to cut contact with those bad influences. At worst, she could even think you're out there sinning with them, which isn't going to be good for trust in the relationship.

one that got away

At some point, couples have to talk about past relationships. It's one of those annoying things that fall into the intimacy and getting-to-know-each-other categories. The key is to make sure it's done in the quickest, least-detailed way possible because you need to remember there are things she doesn't need to know, especially about your past.

You don't need to over-elaborate on the details of each girl and why she was so special to you. Keep it simple: her name, how old you were, how long it lasted, and maybe why it ended. Please don't tell her all about that one special girl.

What the woman in your life really doesn't need to know is that one girl came and changed everything, and that every other woman you meet will be judged by the high standards she set. And you really wish the two of you could have made it work. And that, if you met her again one day, you'd beg for a second chance. All that stays in the past.

You look at porn a number of times a week

Porn, thanks to the wonders of the World Wide Web, is everywhere. Gone are the days when magazines and videos had to be bought in an embarrassing transaction with a grubby little man behind the counter. Now, the full spectrum of sexual tastes and perversions can be viewed with a few strokes of the keyboard.

Not that you'll ever fully admit this to your girl. Most women don't like the idea of their man spending his evenings in the company of three hot and oiled-up cheerleaders, even if they are only stored on his hard drive. Sure, she'll have an idea that you occasionally stumble across it. And that's the line you should stick to: Every once in a while you get a little curious and take a peek. However, make sure she doesn't know you do it every evening, or each time she goes out to the store or, sometimes, all weekend.

You liked her friend first

Sometimes it happens: Guys end up dating the wrong girl. Maybe they went to talk to one and ended up hitting it off with her friend instead. Or a female friend got confused and set them up on a date with a different pal than the one they had originally wanted. You think things are going well, so maybe your girl should hear the funny story?

No. No. No. She won't think it's amusing or be amazed by all the little coincidences that brought the two of you together. What she will think is you can never be trusted with that friend of hers again.

Most of all, your girl will be hurt that she wasn't the one who attracted your attention from the beginning. Think about it: if she told you she wanted to talk to someone else, got stuck with you, and eventually dated you, would you feel worthwhile? Didn't think so.

Think before you speak

Not everything from your past should be common knowledge. No one's suggesting that you should build a false life and dupe some poor chick into being with you. However, covering up some details will help your relationship's chances of survival. And if she does try to call you on your secrecy, just tell her you can't help being a man of mystery.