How to network for love

By Margot Carmichael Lester

So you’re playing the dating game and you’re ready to meet someone new. No problem. Work your network. Friends, colleagues, other single parents. Anyone you know might just know Mr. or Ms. Right.

What? You don’t like asking for help? Get over it! “Remember how good you feel when you can help someone else?” asks personal coach Casey Dawes of Wise Woman Shining, a coaching service. It works both ways, pal. “People gain great satisfaction from being of service to others.”

Now, here’s a list of expert tips to help you get started networking:

1. Be bold. Holding back isn’t going to help you meet your match, so ask anyone you trust to give you a referral. “Don’t be embarrassed about asking someone to be on the lookout for a suitable partner for you,” asserts Advice Sister Alison Blackman Dunham, creator of the Advice Sisters’ Great Relationships online publications. “It’s not shameful or criminal to be in the dating game, and frankly, most people are flattered that you’d think of them.”



2. Loosen up. Trying too hard and thinking too much can bog you down. “Give up the illusions of expectations that you put on yourself. Take away the ‘shoulds’ and more will come naturally,” says life coach Kevin Fleming (effectiveexecutivecoaching.com). If you’re open to possibilities, who knows what can happen?



3. Don’t assume. “Just because someone isn’t your age, or a close contact, doesn’t mean she or he doesn’t have connections that could be perfect for you,” Dunham notes. “That teenage girl who minds your children may have an older sister, cousin or even a mother who is also looking to make a love connection. The elderly church lady may have a bunch of nephews, sons or grandsons who could be the one for you.”



4. Be sincere. Don’t try to make new friends with people who know lots of single folk or otherwise start networking just to meet someone. “Any attempt to consciously create a network for this purpose is doomed from the start,” Fleming cautions. “Networks work when they are not set up for a specific reason—and all healthy uses of networks happen in spontaneous and creative ways.” Expanding your social contacts in a natural and honest way will help you build a fuller life and draw in potential new partners.



5. Know yourself. “You can start knowing more about yourself by acknowledging what you need in a relationship and what you won’t put up with,” Dawes explains. “For example, if you need to be told on a regular basis that you are appreciated, write that down. If you can never live with someone who is a slob, write that down, too.” Being clear on what you want and need will help you ask for the right thing—and get it!

But what if someone declines to help you? Don’t take it personally, just move on. “One of my friends wasn’t comfortable introducing me around,” recalls Tim Rafallo of Hollywood. “I was a little hurt, but realized it was more about her own issues than mine. Maybe she wanted to date me! I just asked someone else.” Still not convinced that using your network works? Consider this: “I’d mentioned to some friends that I was ready to start dating again after a big breakup, and they were thrilled to help me meet people,” says George Garrison of Pittsburgh, PA. “One friend held a dinner party with mostly single people, so it wasn’t obvious who was being set up. I was seated next to a woman I probably never would have met otherwise. We’ve been dating 10 months now.”

Now that you’re armed with solid tips for working your network, get out there and start making it work. As Dunham says, “Most people would be delighted to connect up a couple, so go for it!”

Margot Carmichael Lester is a freelance writer in Carrboro, NC, whose dating advice has appeared in How To Survive Divorce and First for Women.