Relationship tips: how to rebuild intimacy after a breakup
A painful break up can feel like the permanent end to a relationships, but it can also lead to a better foundation for a more intimate reunion.
One of the most painful realities about romantic relationships is that they can only lead to two conclusions- a serious long-term commitment or a decision to break up. All of the good times, all of the intimate conversations, all of the shared experiences can end with a single argument or indiscretion. Relationships are fragile things by nature, which can only make a painful breakup that much more difficult to process.
But sometimes the bond between two people can still be strong in spite of the 'failed relationship'. Some couples find that it's easier to deal with each other once the pressure of a serious romance is off. With fewer expectations, both are free to share mutual hobbies and interests as friends. The difficulty then shifts to coping with a 400 pound gorilla called the past. Following a painful breakup, a sense of friendship may still exist but not necessarily a sense of true INTIMACY. Can a couple truly restore the intimacy they once experienced during their former romance? The answer depends on how much work both are willing to do to achieve that goal.
First of all, restoring intimacy after a breakup is really two separate issues- true intimacy cannot be restored until the breakup has been fully addressed. This means looking back at the entire relationship and the underlying issues which caused the breakup. Taking inventory of a failed relationship is never easy, so couples should not expect miracles at first. It helps to remember the small events first- memorable dates, shared jokes, embarrassing moments. Intimacy begins when the arc of the relationship is remembered more than the breakup. Couples interested in restoring a broken relationship need to remember what brought them together in the first place.
A breakup is literally and figuratively the death of a relationship, so the entire cycle of grief must be allowed to happen. Obviously there will be a time when neither partner wants to be in the same room or planet as the other. This is all to be expected in the denial and anger phases of grief. The circumstances surrounding the breakup may even demand a physical separation, at least until the immediate issues are resolved. A breakup due to infidelity, for example, may require a partner to avoid seeing the 'scene of the crime' or the other party involved. All of these temporary solutions need to be explored before there is any hope of reconciliation. The former relationship must die completely before it can be reborn.
Both partners also need time to redefine themselves as individuals before considering a return to intimacy. Romantic couples often meld their individual personalities and goals into a new entity. When that entity suffers the shock of a breakup, it can take a while for both halves to re-establish their individuality. For a new intimacy to occur, both partners must bring their new selves to the meeting. The former relationship involved two people who didn't have the foresight of a painful breakup. A new relationship involves two people who now understand how to hurt each other. The old personalities simply cannot enter into a new relationship and hope to create true intimacy.
Some couples who reconcile too quickly after a breakup discover that very few things have actually changed between them. The need to feel secure or appreciated or protected may override the natural healing process. Being alone again after a long relationship can be very scary, so some former partners will seek out an ex simply for the illusion of intimacy. Humans tend to seek out the solution with the least amount of unknowns, which in relationship terms can mean a premature return to a safer time. Couples who truly seek a return to intimacy should recognize the difference between a temporary emotion born from anxiety and a deeper desire to correct the mistakes of the past and rekindle a mature relationship.
