Revenge of the clones: stop losing yourself in relationships
Compromise is good but being yourself and sticking to the things that define who you are is a critical component of a healthy relationship. These guideposts help you protect the "me" in "we".
By Kelly Jones
There's nothing creepier than seeing two lovers with identical haircuts wearing matching jackets and corresponding His and Her outfits walking down the street together. I shudder to think what they're wearing underneath.
Although being in a relationship requires the occasional compromise and concession, it doesn't mean you need to change your style or behaviour to match your partner's. In fact, keeping your individuality and encouraging your guy or gal to do the same can mean the difference between a healthy relationship and a doomed one.
Embrace Your Quirks
Woodworking, trampoline, pilates, soap-making, forensic science, camping — whatever your hobbies are, it's important that you keep at them. Your passions not only help define who you are as a person, they contribute to your overall happiness and approach to life. Quirky or popular as they may be, they're also one of the things that attracted your partner in the first place. Invite your girlfriend to participate in one of your pleasure pastimes or try your hand at hers, but don't sacrifice the pursuit of your own passion for the sake of theirs (or worse for them alone).
Would You Like Some Friends With That?
Going gaga for each other at the beginning of a relationship is a natural phase of falling in love. You can't get enough of each other and become oblivious to the outside world. Try your best to stay in touch with your roots. Introduce new lovers to your friends, and get to know theirs. Be wary of getting so enamoured by your lover or his mates that you lose touch with your clique. Spending alone-time with your friends helps keep you grounded — and after causing sufficient trouble at a Girl's Night out on the town, you can look forward to a steamy late-night reunion.
Speak Up
"That's so funny, I love watching robot fighting on Friday nights too!" Come on. Don't agree to things you don't really want for yourself just to please or appease your partner. There's nothing attractive about someone who doesn't stand up for themselves, and relationships become stagnant when only one partner calls the shots. Healthy disagreements not only show you've got a brain in that big noggin of yours, they also keep relationships interesting by shaking things up a bit.
Spaces in Your Togetherness
Doing absolutely everything with your partner, from shopping to shovelling to showering, is an easy trap to fall into. But this clinginess is ultimately unhealthy, both for you and the relationship. Take a few moments here and there to collect yourself — be it in the bath, a morning walk, or a whole night home alone. It lets you gather your thoughts and feelings, provides you with the opportunity to be just yourself rather than one half of a couple, and makes you better company on your next date.
It's tricky business keeping your individuality in a relationship. Being attracted to someone means that you also like their lifestyle and their routine, so it's only natural to incorporate some of those aspects into your own life. And because you're often discovering new music, unexplored parts of your city, or thinking about things in a new way, the slippery slope to overriding enchantment becomes even slicker. Consider the following: if you and your lover parted ways today, would you consider yourself to be richer for the experience or would you feel somehow like you'd lost something more than just the relationship?
