How to recognise a Manipulative/Controlling relationship

As your relationship with a romantic (or religious) interest has developed, you find your old friends falling away, while family members remark on how you don't seem like yourself. Are you losing yourself to this odd, and ultimately destructive, relationship? Before you can regain your individuality and strength, you'll need to determine if the relationship is what's taking it away, and put an end to the destructive cycle. For the purposes of the article, we'll alternate between male and female gender examples ("him" in one step, "her" in the next).

Steps

1. Evaluate honestly: Is this relationship progressing in a healthy manner, or is it unhealthy? Be objective as you analyze how things have changed since this relationship began:
   
   
   • Are you enjoying elevated esteem from your friends, or are they looking at you sideways? Are your family relationships suddenly filled with tension, every time your beloved's name comes up? While stressed relationships with others aren't a sure sign of an unhealthy romance, red flags should go up if everyone who cares about you is getting worried.
   • Do you find yourself straying from your path? If you're a religious person, are you doing things you wouldn't ordinarily do? If you're a straight-A student, are your grades slipping? Have all the goals and dreams that previously defined you all of a sudden been pushed toward the back burner for no apparent reason?
   • Does this person bring out your best, or worst traits? Do you feed each others' best self, or have you seen your attitudes change to more closely mirror his, which puts off your family and friends?
2. Recognize your blindness to her faults. Infatuation isn't a bad thing. It is necessary and good; however, it does make one "temporarily insane" for the first few months or years of a relationship. Sometimes our starry-eyed affection can make us willfully close our eyes, even though we really kind of know that our friends and family have a point when they say they don't like this or that about the new significant other.
3. Do you find yourself apologizing or defending your significant other's behavior? Finding reasons to excuse it? "Oh, he had a rough breakup with someone before me... you can understand..." If you find yourself getting defensive when someone questions your relationship, you're probably already aware that there is a problem and haven't yet come to terms with it. Remember that people in healthy relationships have nothing to hide or defend.
4. Notice that your plans are continually overturned in favor of hers. You go to pick her up, thinking you're going to see "The Wizard of Oz" at the art theater. But by the time you're halfway through dinner (at the other end of town, her restaurant selection), she has talked you into seeing "The Fast & The Furious" at the theater next door to the restaurant she chose, instead. More and more, you discover that you're not keeping any of the dates you chose. Instead, you're always changing plans to do what she wants. And heaven help you if you planned to have dinner with friends of yours at 7pm. She won't get into the shower until 6:50, and you'll be calling to apologize, and hanging everyone up while they all wait. For her. Because it's always about her.
5. Remember that manipulation is when they get you to do something you really wish you hadn't. This person likes getting you outside your comfort zone, because then s/he's pulling the strings, getting one over on you.
6. Be aware the manipulation may also be financial. A controlling partner may take over financial decisions, whether he earns more OR less than you. If you earn LESS, he may make you ask permission to buy things, seriously restricting even rare luxury purchases, or may demand a long and/or emotional discussion of even trivial expenses. If you earn MORE, be wary of joint credit card accounts and joint filing of taxes - BOTH people are legally responsible for paying, even if only one of them incurred the debt; some controlling people will use a joint credit card account, and then leave you with the bill.
7. Look for subtle establishment of control over time. It doesn't happen obviously, suddenly, or overnight. Controlling, manipulative people are often very insecure. That's why they have the compulsion to control others - they simply don't trust anyone but themselves. They will invest weeks or months in 'training' you to accept and carry out their will:
   
   
   • Does she treat your friends and family disrespectfully? Rudely?
   • Are you realizing it's just become easier NOT to spend time with people you've loved for years?
   • Have all of YOUR past attachments to people and places been replaced by either old friends of your new mate, or new friends you've made since you've been together? Severing your ties to the familiar stability of the world you have always known means this person has just made himself the center of your universe, and has no competition for your attention.
8. Watch out for subtle discrepancies. When talking with mutual friends, have they ever said something about your new girlfriend that made you stop and say, "Huh? But she said something different to me... You can't have understood that right." Did you then dismiss the idea that what your friends heard could have actually been true? That's a big red flag. When you're being controlled or manipulated, it's usually through half-truths or omissions, not outright lies. There's just enough weirdness to make you stop and think, but not quite enough to get you to re-evaluate the entire relationship. If this happens more than once, STOP and remind yourself that this isn't the first time you've had this reaction. Start analyzing discrepancies between what she said, and what your friends say. It may save you from disaster later.
9. Keep your support system. Cutting you off from your support systems helps him gain dominance over you. And you think it's YOUR decision. Controlling people treat YOUR friends with disrespect, but when alone with you, they never say a bad word about them - it makes you believe your family or friends are simply jealous, don't understand him, etc. When you find yourself saying, "But, you don't KNOW him like I do..." that's a bad sign. It's much easier to control you when you've decided your loved ones just don't understand your mate, and you have no one but him to turn to.
10. Recognize excessive jealousy or possessiveness as a danger signal. If your new-found love is protective of you, that's sweet. If she's bizarrely, overly protective, it's scary. Consider whether she constantly offers to make the trip to the market or to the post office in order to keep you from going out alone. Does she randomly show up in places where you planned to be without her (a party, your office) at inappropriate times (particularly after a disagreement)? Does she question you too intensely about why you were talking to another person? Get angry about it? Disbelieve you when you say that person is just a friend or work colleague? Does she later apologize, saying she just "loves you too much"? And then, does she "woo" or "court" you again with flattery and presents? Bad news. Watch for the bad behavior to resume as soon as they believe they have you hooked and complacent again.
11. Watch for repeat offenses, shallow apologies and courting afterwards. He does something that is totally unacceptable then asks your forgiveness, tells you he realizes he was wrong ,and promises to change. He seems utterly sincere and convincing, but it is part of the control. It is a way to use your compassion to keep you interested - at this point he may even pretend to want your help to change, particularly if you have let him know that you will not tolerate such things again. He will bring you lavish gifts and attempt to sweep you off your feet, again, re-establishing his sincerity and your belief that he truly loves you.
12. Beware of the "backhanded compliment". She will say things like, "Gosh, it's a good thing you're so attractive" (implies that you are stupid or incompetent) or "It's a good thing you're with me - who else could put up with your mistakes?" (same). At first blush, it seems sweet and funny. But she will drill this idea into you over and over - that you should consider yourself very lucky to have someone like her, who will love you despite the fact that you have NO positive attributes, talents, and apparently, the IQ of a head of lettuce. Saying, "Nobody will ever love you the way I do," seems sweet, but she wants you to believe that nobody BUT her will ever love you again. Over time, these ideas erode your sense of confidence and you will begin to believe you're unworthy of better treatment, and she's the best you can hope for.
13. Don't let every minor disagreement become World War III. You make a date with him, warning him ahead of time that you will need to leave by 7 to have dinner with your brother. At 6:40, as you're getting up to leave, he suddenly "remembers" some urgent task he needs your help with before you go. You remind him that he asked you to blow your brother off last time, and you did - this time you really need to go. He begins to argue, wail, accuse you, rant, rave, threaten to kill himself, and do whatever it takes to keep you from leaving. Hours later, you're emotionally drained and physically exhausted, and you find he's turned the whole thing around on you - you're begging for forgiveness and a "chance to make it up to him." He triumphantly condescends to allow you the privilege of staying as his lap dog, only if you will agree to _________ (something probably kind of distasteful to you, as he well knows). You agree. And later, you actually go through with whatever you agreed to, hating yourself (and him a little bit) all the while. Needless to say, you never make it to dinner with your brother. Again.
14. Stop berating yourself for being into this person. Realize that she's amazing - on the surface - and you shouldn't beat yourself up for being attracted to that. Controlling, manipulative people are the unfortunate product of two things: A high, incisive intellect, and low self-esteem. Something has caused this person to believe others could not willingly do things that would make her happy. She is now unable to just let things happen naturally - she MUST control things or, in her mind, things will "get away" from her - so she's compelled by her inner demons to make sure she's the one pulling all the strings. But what makes it most awful is that she's probably beautiful (you think so, right?), and smart, and maybe even funny and charming. It's no wonder you fell for her.
15. Get out as fast as you can. For purposes of this article, we assume that your significant other has resisted changing his or her behavior and despite your best efforts to work things out so that you are not being controlled so much, s/he persists in the controlling, manipulative behaviors. Once you've recognized this for what it is (emotional abuse), you will tire of it quickly and want to leave, despite your lingering feelings for this person. Be careful. Controlling, manipulative individuals will want to control you, even if they don't care about the relationship any more. The old saying "S/he doesn't want me, but doesn't want me to be with anyone else, either," was invented for this person. You deserve to be with someone who respects you and can maintain a healthy relationship. This just isn't it. Take steps to end it swiftly and leave - now.

Tips

• Don't blow off the opinions of your friends and family, they do have your best interests in mind. Do they tell you you're acting strange lately? Do they comment on how different you seem - and not in a good way? Has anyone you love and respect expressed actual dislike? Ask yourself, "Is my (for example) mum right about every other thing, but wrong about this ONE thing - my new girl?" And if more than one close family member or friend is expressing dislike of the new romance, give more weight to the negative opinion.
• Key to this entire discussion is the recognition that the establishment of control is subtle, and often occurs over time. Controlling, manipulative persons are not born this way - they become this way. If you began your relationship before s/he had fully developed into a person like this, it would be very hard to realize what was happening and how the relationship was beginning to change your life negatively. The entire purpose of the article is to help you examine your relationship for the warning signs and to (A) either seek help with your partner or individually or (B) validate your sense of things not being right, and help you decide your next action on your own - without manipulation or control from your partner.
• Controlling persons often check out of the relationship before you do, even to the point of cheating on you. But still, when you've had enough, they pitch a freaker as if they've been cut to the bone by your thoughtless abandonment. Just so you know.
• Don't be mean about it. You don't have to be like them to get away. Just say it's not a match and you don't intend to see them any more. Period. Don't try pointing out all of the above warning signs. They won't recognize themselves. It's like trying to teach a pig to sing - it wastes your time and makes the pig bitter.
• Confess to your friends and family - apologize to them for marginalizing them and disregarding their bad opinion of this person. Tell them you wish you had listened to them. Get all the anger and hurt out of your system - they will be only too happy to share (they will rejoice when you tell them you're through).
• Speaking of bitterness, resist the temptation to be bitter about the experience. You've just survived a very tough situation and lived to tell the tale!
• Go out with your friends, your family, and alone. Re-establish ties with all those things and people you left behind while your judgment was clouded.

Warnings

• Controlling and manipulative people are often produced by external factors such as abusive parents or clinical mental disorders. You cannot hope to change or rescue such a person, as much as you may care for them; the best help you can give them is to (A) refuse to be their victim, and (B) direct them to professional help.
• If s/he shows up at your door after you've broken it off, don't open it if you're home alone. Make sure someone else is with you if you do decide to talk to him or her (not recommended), but even though you want to be compassionate, the best and easiest approach is to simply cut off contact.
• Compassion is not easily understood or accepted by these folks, and it just hurts you both more in the end. Cutting them off may seem cruel, but it forces them to move on or get help.
• Watch for stalking or menacing behaviors or threats, including threats to harm you or to commit suicide. Don't rely on your own judgment to determine whether threats are serious. Report them to the police immediately. This person is probably just difficult and not dangerous. But don't take any chances. If necessary, get a restraining order and call the cops each and every time it's violated.
• If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.
• While it is preferable that marriages involving kids be worked out, in many cases, a controlling manipulator is not amenable to marriage or family counseling. If your partner is not willing to commit to counseling, then separation may be the only answer. Without family counseling, the manipulative, controlling partner will damage the children, and you will spawn more of the same type of person.
• Couples counseling or marriage counseling is not a safe place for you to talk about any abuse you are enduring, especially if the person abusing you is sitting right next to you during a session. You need individual supportive counseling that is often times available for free at your local domestic violence agency. See the hotline number above. They can connect you to an agency close by.

Things You'll Need

• Support from family or friends. Don't let yourself become isolated.
• Will power to resist the temptation to be kind (just let them go)
• Brutally honest self-appraisal
• Forgiveness of yourself
• Love