Do you know your couple conflict style?
Do you fly off the handle at the slightest thing or are you a peacemaker who cools things down? Find out what your conflict style is from Relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall.
Stuck in a rut?
Many couples notice that their arguments seem to follow familiar patterns. They may always erupt from nowhere, for example, or gradually build up over a period of days.
As individuals, most of us will have developed a particular conflict style, learnt from years of watching how others manage their differences. Understanding your style can help you act differently and get out of 'argument ruts'.
Here are some of the most common styles of arguing. Perhaps you'll recognise yourself in some of them.
The peacemaker - you don't like arguments and see it as your responsibility to cool things down and sort things out as soon as possible, even if this means ignoring your personal needs or not having your opinions heard.
The defensive attacker - you believe that the faster you act, the better. You're highly attuned to possible disagreements and will lay down the law or issue threats to prevent a full-scale battle. It often doesn't work, and even when it does you're left wondering if perhaps you went over the top.
The subtle striker - you're tactical and persistent in making your feelings known. You don't like full-on attacks, preferring to wait for your partner to notice something's wrong. You may use silence, nag, moan or just go on and on about it. You often get there eventually, but it's a slow and exhausting process.
The full-on foe - you've probably had to fight for your rights all your life and will always give as good as you get. Although you look tough, you're probably terrified of getting hurt and find every disagreement a painful experience.
The shock-absorber - you're afraid of arguments and will do anything to avoid getting into one. Rather than defend your rights or attempt to put across your point of view, you sit quietly waiting for the storm to pass. But inside, anger and resentment may be building.
The negotiator - you genuinely want to find a peaceful solution to problems without anyone getting hurt. You listen calmly to your partner's viewpoint and are confident when sharing your own. You want the best possible outcome for your relationship and, in your experience, consideration and compromise are the best way to achieve this.
Obviously this last style is the one we're all aiming to adopt. Conflict is natural within a relationship to a certain degree, but it should be constructive not destructive. For more on how to resolve conflict, have a look at Ways to make peace.
Couples who don't argue
Some couples don't argue. They never have. The fear of conflict is so great for either one, or both, that they withdraw from anything that has even a vague whiff of confrontation.
To outsiders this might appear to be a perfect relationship, but danger can lurk beneath the calm surface. Differences tend to be repressed or ignored because there's no mechanism to handle disagreements.
The danger is that resentments will build until one person just leaves the relationship. Avoiding confrontation can actually cause the abandonment that's most feared.
Further help
If you have concerns about your relationship, try talking it through with your partner or a trusted friend, or you might want to consider seeing a relationships counsellor. To find out more, go to Do you need counselling?
Stop Arguing, Start Talking: The 10 Point Plan for Couples in Conflict by Susan Quilliam (Vermilion)
