Men Reveal Their Most Common Lies
The top ten excuses they use in sticky situations
He who said “The truth can set you free” probably wasn't in a relationship. In that minefield of potential disasters, telling the truth can often lead to a stint on the couch, or worse yet, a sudden stint of singledom.
As we've navigated through these treacherous waters over the years, men have picked up a few tricks. Every guy has his cache of fallback excuses -- not egregious, deceitful fabrications, just little white lies to help smooth things over. You can usually rely on tried and tested classics to get you through the “Do I look fat in these jeans?” moments, but sometimes situations arise that make you scramble to come up with something new.
We've assembled a list of 10 of the most common male excuses to help you avoid ever having to flounder in such a situation again -- because if we're going to get through this minefield alive, we're going to have to do it together.
Number 10: “You look great in everything you wear.”
If you are in a relationship, it's just a matter of time until she asks you the cliché question, “Does this dress make me look fat?” Some claim the best answer is to say nothing and silently back out of the room. Others go for this smooth line of reasoning.Best use: Going out to a formal event makes girls fairly nervous -- not shocking, considering that once they get there, they will cluster in small groups and ruthlessly judge each other's dresses and hair. So if you are about to head out to such an event and she asks you the dreaded "Do I look fat?" question, tell her the truth; tell her she looks great in everything she wears. You'll thank us after she is done with you in the coatroom.
Number 9: "I was just looking at how skanky she's dressed."
Checking out girls while with your significant other is a skill akin to tightrope walking or bomb disposal: One wrong move, and you're toast. Luckily, there is this little nugget -- a white lie that helps make her feel better and leaves you free to revel in the greatest, most cherished male tradition: gawking at women.Best use: The guy who decided all hostesses should be young, toned girls in tight black dresses was part genius and part madman. Taking your girl out for dinner forces you to fight the natural urge to steal peaks at these stunning beauties. You'll eventually fail and get caught staring, so just have this line handy for that inevitability.
Number 8: “I don't need a holiday to remind me how special you are!”
Sports stats, Simpsons' quotes, PIN numbers -- the modern male has to remember an awful lot of stuff. So, it is perfectly understandable that many of us forget anniversaries, birthdays and other special occasions. Next time you do, blame the commercialization of these days and tell her you will celebrate on your own terms, not Hallmark's. She just might buy it.Best use: Valentine's Day is when the basic economic rules of supply and demand mix with your girlfriend's expectations, and allow flower shops to charge whatever they want for roses. You can shell out $75 for a dozen long stems that will die in a week, or try this much-lauded ”excuse” and hope for the best.
Number 7: “I didn't want to wake you up!”
Coming home late from a night out, or neglecting to call her after you promised to, can lead to some major sleeping-on-the-couch misadventures. Unless, of course, you try this tried-and-tested excuse. Best of all, there is a grain of truth to it: You truthfully don't want to wake her, but ensuring her sound sleep is secondary to the real reason -- not wanting to catch an earful of trouble.Best use: It's easy to lose track of the time when you are out with the boys (and four or five pints deep). If you've arranged a courtesy check-in time with your girl and miss it, you are probably better off letting it go and trying this rationale when you eventually speak the next day. Experience shows that it is a damage-control maneuver at best, but at least it shows you had her best interest in mind.
Number 6: “I'm not really a breasts-guy, anyways.”
Girls are very body-conscious (newsflash!), and with our culture putting so much attention on boobs, women are subject to extreme fits of self-consciousness when a well-endowed girl is near. Ease her uneasiness by letting her know your tastes lie elsewhere. Fail to, and you just might be on the hook for a $5,000 trip to the plastic surgeon.Best use: Next time your are out together and are faced with a rippling, mountainous pair of breasts pouring out of a low-cut shirt, make it a point to voice your displeasure at the shameless display, and remind your girl that you think real beauty comes from the inside.
Number 5: “I didn't want to buy you something you didn't want.”
Buying presents for your girl involves a certain amount of stress, but neglecting to buy her something can make your life more stressful than you know. Shrewd guys in this situation rely on this cunning little excuse and take their girl out shopping for something she wants. But be forewarned: She will usually punish you by spending triple what you originally had in mind.Best use: Spending time in a mall around Christmas can be as unpleasant as a shiatsu massage from a lonely sumo wrestler. Can you think of a better way to avoid the parking-lot fights, hour-long lines and screaming, over-stimulated kids than to drop this gem on her? How can she really mind if she gets exactly what she wants a few days later? Bonuses include getting to take advantage of post-holiday sales. Drawbacks include seeing her face when she opens the empty box on Christmas morning.
Number 4: “It wasn't my fault. [Insert name of friend she already doesn't like] made me late.”
It is one of those important roles that no one wants to play -- the friend of the boyfriend who is inexplicably hated by the girlfriend. Rather than let the poor guy suffer in vain, leverage his unpopularity into a catchall of excuses. Stay out too late? Blame him! End up at the strip club? It's his fault!Best use: You have to toe this line carefully. Falling back on this excuse too often can get your poor buddy permanently blacklisted, whether he deserves it or not. After that happens, you lose both a friend and someone to blame stuff on. One option is to get really creative and invent a new imaginary friend. This new guy can take all the heat for weeks -- until she gets fed up with his antics. Then, you'll have to let your fake friend fade into the background.
Number 3: “[Insert name of friend she likes] just got dumped.”
The other side of this coin is to use a friend she actually likes when you are looking for an excuse to break plans with her or spend more time with the boys. Spin a little story about needing to grab a beer with him so he can discuss his relationship, or explain that he needs help with his car -- just about any reasoning will resonate with her if she likes the guy you are looking to chill with.Best use: Some guys like to keep a trump card up their sleeves to use in extreme emergencies. Say you've made plans to go to her parents' for dinner, but your buddy calls to say he got free green fees at the local country club. Explaining that your friend is having a relationship crisis and needs some support will most likely get you out of anything. She just doesn't have to know that support will take place on lush fairways and greens.
Number 2 “I'm just a really picky eater.”
Bless her heart; she tries really hard to cook for you, but the gray, gooey sludge she produces is just plain disgusting. You can try to stomach it (while avoiding the involuntary disgusted faces) or just explain that your appetite is small and you only really like a few things. Blame your boring palate or sensitive stomach -- not her complete lack of cooking skills.Best use: It is best to use this excuse early in a relationship; that way, the groundwork is laid for the future (if there is one with a girl who manages to burn soup). The follow-up to this predicament is to suggest that both of you take some cooking classes together. She'll love you for suggesting something fun to do together, and your stomach will love you for not putting boiled pork chops in it anymore.
Number 1: “I've got work to do.”
Nothing should stand between a man and his livelihood, and that's why this little gem is so handy. It's solid enough to get you out of just about anything, as she will never want to come across as an obstacle to your success. Of course, like all these excuses, using this one too often can make her feel ignored or taken for granted, and your ”workaholic” self could pay dearly for that.Best use: The vast differences between men and women extend to our hobbies and pastimes. So, the next time she tries to rope you in to a craft fair or home show, pull out the laptop and tell her you need to have that report on the Johnson merger on your boss' desk by 9:00 a.m. You'll win points for your tireless work ethic and get out of yarn shopping at the same time.
