Be Honest: Are You Really That into Him?
by Ian Kerner, PhD
How familiar does this scenario sound: Girl meets less-than-stellar guy. Girl dates less-than-stellar guy. Girl gets broken up with by less-than-stellar guy, and girl sinks into a horrible funk over losing, quite frankly, a guy who probably wasn't worth her time in the first place. So what's with all the tears? When he's not that into you, who stops to consider that maybe, just maybe, you aren't that into him either?
Ian Kerner, PhD, asks this eye-opening question in his book Be Honest ‑- You're Not That into Him Either, and shows you how to raise your standards to find the great love you deserve.
‑-Olivia, 31, advertising sales, Atlanta
One of the possible scenarios for falling for a man who you were never that into to begin with, or who reeled you in simply for the challenge, is that it may be a relationship in which the main attraction is simply the lack of attraction. Strange as that may sound, it happens a lot.
A lot of women end up dating men who they know they're not into (or who are otherwise inappropriate for them) because there is less risk if it doesn't work out. When it ends, they can say, "Well, he was not right for me anyway," and then climb right back onto that treadmill, only to repeat the cycle.
The problem with this sort of pattern is that it eventually results in dramatically lowered standards. You may think you're not giving up a little, but as a result, you end up giving up a whole lot.
And how much worse is it when the loser guy you went out with primarily as an ego boost (let's be honest here) winds up rejecting you? How much worse do you feel as a result? It's a vicious downward spiral that you originally got into for the feeling of presumed safety of superiority, and you then end up feeling lower than low in the end. I mean, how could this not-so-attractive guy who doesn't dress particularly well and still lives with his mother wind up rejecting you? Could he really have found someone better? Is the dating scene truly this cutthroat? And if so, what will you do about it? The next time, you'll probably aim even lower. And so it continues until you hit rock bottom and finally decide that you're better off alone.
Or, perhaps for better or worse, you actually started to like him and found yourself falling for him. If the feelings were reciprocated, and there turned out to be more to this guy than initially met the eye, then great, you may be on your way to something meaningful and real. But if he's everything you ever thought he wasn't and less, you're bound to feel worse for the time and energy you've spent pretending you were into him in the first place.
Don't play the game: If you're just in it because he's chasing you, then you're playing the game as well. Instead, use good sportsmanship and have enough confidence to bow out and send him on his way.
After the fall: Even if you think you're not into him, you may be falling harder than you think. Be on the lookout for telltale signs. And if the feelings aren't being reciprocated, remind yourself about what you didn't see in him in the first place and get the hell out while the going is still good.
Don't play it completely safe: If you're sticking with guys who you're not into simply because there is less at risk, you're lowering your standards. To get what you really deserve, you'll have to put something on the line.
From the book Be Honest -- You're Not That Into Him Either. Copyright © 2005 Ian Kerner. Reprinted with permission from Harper Collins Publishers, New York, NY.
How familiar does this scenario sound: Girl meets less-than-stellar guy. Girl dates less-than-stellar guy. Girl gets broken up with by less-than-stellar guy, and girl sinks into a horrible funk over losing, quite frankly, a guy who probably wasn't worth her time in the first place. So what's with all the tears? When he's not that into you, who stops to consider that maybe, just maybe, you aren't that into him either?
Ian Kerner, PhD, asks this eye-opening question in his book Be Honest ‑- You're Not That into Him Either, and shows you how to raise your standards to find the great love you deserve. Playing It Safe: When You're Only into Guys You're Not Really Into
"I tend to find myself in relationships with men I know I'm not that into because it's safe."‑-Olivia, 31, advertising sales, Atlanta
One of the possible scenarios for falling for a man who you were never that into to begin with, or who reeled you in simply for the challenge, is that it may be a relationship in which the main attraction is simply the lack of attraction. Strange as that may sound, it happens a lot.
A lot of women end up dating men who they know they're not into (or who are otherwise inappropriate for them) because there is less risk if it doesn't work out. When it ends, they can say, "Well, he was not right for me anyway," and then climb right back onto that treadmill, only to repeat the cycle.
The problem with this sort of pattern is that it eventually results in dramatically lowered standards. You may think you're not giving up a little, but as a result, you end up giving up a whole lot.
And how much worse is it when the loser guy you went out with primarily as an ego boost (let's be honest here) winds up rejecting you? How much worse do you feel as a result? It's a vicious downward spiral that you originally got into for the feeling of presumed safety of superiority, and you then end up feeling lower than low in the end. I mean, how could this not-so-attractive guy who doesn't dress particularly well and still lives with his mother wind up rejecting you? Could he really have found someone better? Is the dating scene truly this cutthroat? And if so, what will you do about it? The next time, you'll probably aim even lower. And so it continues until you hit rock bottom and finally decide that you're better off alone.
Ego Trip
You were not that into him but, somewhere along the line, your ego got involved, and then you needed him to be into you. Perhaps you just wanted the attention and were then baffled when he pulled away. Or maybe you became so into making him like you that you got into a relationship just so you could validate yourself. But what happened next? Well, maybe it went nowhere, and you were back on the dismal dating cycle.Or, perhaps for better or worse, you actually started to like him and found yourself falling for him. If the feelings were reciprocated, and there turned out to be more to this guy than initially met the eye, then great, you may be on your way to something meaningful and real. But if he's everything you ever thought he wasn't and less, you're bound to feel worse for the time and energy you've spent pretending you were into him in the first place.
Raise (Your Standards) and Reach (for Love)
Let go of the ego: If you're into him just because you need him to be into you, you're letting your ego drive your decisions. And while you can never entirely remove your ego from your dating life, don't let it run (or ruin) it.Don't play the game: If you're just in it because he's chasing you, then you're playing the game as well. Instead, use good sportsmanship and have enough confidence to bow out and send him on his way.
After the fall: Even if you think you're not into him, you may be falling harder than you think. Be on the lookout for telltale signs. And if the feelings aren't being reciprocated, remind yourself about what you didn't see in him in the first place and get the hell out while the going is still good.
Don't play it completely safe: If you're sticking with guys who you're not into simply because there is less at risk, you're lowering your standards. To get what you really deserve, you'll have to put something on the line.
From the book Be Honest -- You're Not That Into Him Either. Copyright © 2005 Ian Kerner. Reprinted with permission from Harper Collins Publishers, New York, NY.
