What's bugging him? Revealed men-moves

Little moves that reveal what's bugging him by Nicole Beland

So your guy's in a funk, but he won't give you a friggin' clue why. No problem! Dig into our body-lingo lessons to tap into what crawled up his butt. Sometimes you're sure something's bothering your man, but you can't quite put your finger on what the hell it is. And unfortunately, with the exception of American Idol's Simon Cowell, men have difficulty communicating negative feelings.

"Men are hardwired to hide vulnerability," says Alon Gratch, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in New York City and author of If Men Could Talk. "They're encouraged to appear tough on the outside, so they learn to keep their emotions to themselves."

Thankfully, there's a better way to find out what's eating at him than just taking a wild guess: You can read his body language. "When a guy's suppressing emotion, it tends to leak out through his hands, face, feet and even his body temperature," says Kevin Hogan, Ph.D., author of The Psychology of Persuasion. Here's the key to decoding your man's inner angst, plus expert tips on how to deal.

Part 1: He Has a Confession to Make
The giveaway: He'll lean forward, slump his shoulders and look just above your head.

"I've seen this posture time and time again when a suspect is getting ready to confess crucial information," says Stan B. Walters, a behavior analyst who has worked with law-enforcement agencies. "By leaning forward and looking up as if he were praying, he's taking a submissive stance and silently hoping for mercy." But don't immediately assume something bad is coming. "He might just be admitting that he wants or needs something from you," says Walters.

Handle-him strategy:
In a lighthearted tone, say something like "Looks like you have something to tell me," then give him some space to speak up. "Women often talk their heads off at men when we want information from them," says Susan Campbell, Ph.D., author of Getting Real.
"But by doing that, you're robbing him of an opportunity to open up." If the big news is that he promised his boss he'd play softball on your birthday, he probably won't hedge for long. But the more time he takes to get his lips flapping, the greater the odds that the confession will upset you, so be prepared without going into a panic. That way, you'll have an easier time dealing with whatever is wrong.

Part 2: He's Insecure
The giveaway: He'll sit on his hands.

"When we're expressing ourselves without reservation, it's normal for our hands to move around -- especially our dominant one," says Hogan. "If a guy is sitting on his hands, he's trying to control what's coming out of his mouth." But this is more about not wanting to screw up than it is about withholding information. "It's a childish move to sit on our hands, yet we do it without thinking," says Jo-Ellan Dimitrius, Ph.D., coauthor of Reading People and consultant on more than 600 jury trials. "It means we're worried we're going to do something to displease the other person -- we want to put our best foot forward, so we're disciplining ourselves." Clasping his hands in his lap or on the table, or keeping his mitts in his pockets, can indicate a similar insecurity and eagerness to please.

Handle-him strategy:
"Shower him with sincere praise," says Campbell. "Tell him how glad you are to be with him." Another loosen-him-up tip: Use laid-back body lingo, like throwing your arm over the back of your chair or slouching a little with your hands on your lap. The more he senses that you're relaxed, the more confident he'll feel.

Part 3: He's Pissed
The giveaway: Clenched fists, averted eyes and a tense jaw.

Because animosity is so hard to conceal, your guy will reduce eye contact -- he's subconsciously aware that one peek into his peepers will reveal his inner fury. "Unconsciously making fists is another common sign of a temper that's teetering on blowing," says Hogan. "It's a conditioned reflex for men to prepare for a physical fight when they're angry." Finally, check out the spot where his jaw meets his cheekbone. "If his mouth is rigid and you can see his jaw flexing, he's fuming," says Dimitrius.

Handle-him strategy:
Most men are confrontation-phobes with women -- they'd rather stay mum than fight or, gulp, talk. "But tiptoeing around his anger will only confirm that he can't be forthcoming with you when he's peeved," says Gratch. For a clue as to whether he's miffed at you or someone else, look into his eyes (since he won't look into yours). If he stares you down the second you catch his gaze, you're probably the object of his ire, in which case, you can get him talking fast by being direct and saying, "I can see you're ticked, so why don't you just tell me what's wrong," suggests Gratch.
It will prove that you aren't going to run away just because he's pissed -- a sign you care enough to work it out. If something else is getting under his skin, "remind him how good it feels to let it all out, then go off on a topic that's been bugging you lately," says Campbell. "Show by example that it's perfectly okay to vent."

Part 4: He's Seriously Stressed Out
The giveaway: He can't stop touching or running his fingers through his hair.

"Playing with his hair is a tension reliever," says Walters. "He's trying to remain perfectly composed, but he has to let out some of the nervous energy he's feeling, so his hands unconsciously head to his hair." Fiddling with his clothes (like the buttons on his jacket or his watch), scrunching up a napkin or peeling the label off of his beer bottle all infer the same thing: He's wired and can't seem to wind down. "The more stressed he is, the more rapid and frequent his hair playing or other fidgeting will be," says Walters. He might also bounce his knees up and down, shake his feet or tap his fingers on the table.

Handle-him strategy:
Get him out of his head. "Being obsessed with a troubling issue prevents him from being in the moment, and it's easy for his stress to snowball," says Campbell. "Bring him back down to earth by making him more aware of his body and surroundings." Suggest going outside for a walk or bike ride or even to catch a movie. "It will allow him to put some distance between him and whatever he's feeling anxious about," says Gratch. Once he's had time to decompress, chances are, he'll open up.

Part 5: He's Lying
The giveaway: He'll cover his mouth with his hand or scratch his nose or ears.

If your guy starts toying with his ear or nose or he uses his hand to cover his mouth, be suspicious. "When a guy is being deceptive, it's common for blood to rush to his face," says Hogan. "His nose and ears will get warm and begin to itch, causing him to rub or scratch them unconsciously." Also, adds Walters, "when he obstructs your view of his lips, it's a sign that he's trying to block the truth from slipping out." Other fib indicators: "The pitch of his voice will get higher or lower, and he'll trip over his words," says Dimitrius. "In addition, he might lick his lips and look away from you, directing his eyes down and to the right."

Handle-him strategy:
How can you tell whether he's BS-ing about something trivial or big-time lying to you? A subtle move, like a quick ear tug, probably means he's telling a small fib, and you might want to let it go. On the flip side, "Lies that have high emotional stakes -- like the kind men tell in relationships -- will make him more uncomfortable," says Hogan. "The more fidgety and flushed he looks, the more likely the deception involves you." To get him talking, don't grill him like a steak.
Calmly say, "It's okay; you can be straight with me." "He's probably afraid you'll be hurt or angry, so give the impression that you won't be judgmental," advises Hogan. (Whether you'll actually freak out is another story.) If he refuses to speak, keep your eyes and ears open for clues that could reveal what whopper he's keeping under wraps.

Part 6: He's Over You
The giveaway: His eyes are frequently darting off to the sides, and his body is turned away from you.

A disinterested guy is easy to spot, thanks to his roving eyes and slouchy, closed-off posture. "If he's frequently looking everywhere but at you, his mind is somewhere else," says Hogan. "And by not facing you directly with his body, he's open to other women." Leaning his torso away from you with his arms thrown haphazardly over the back of his chair and his head tilted back is another blatant clue that he's over you -- or wishes he were elsewhere. "Giving unusually short answers to your questions and making no attempt to facilitate the conversation makes it doubly obvious that he's already checked out," says Dimitrius.

Handle-him strategy:
Clam up. "If you're getting the picture that he's not interested, stop talking," says Campbell. "If he sits there in total silence, wait 30 or 40 seconds to give him the opportunity to pipe up." Or divert your attention elsewhere. He'll probably pick up on your chilliness and say something. If he doesn't, his desire may have dwindled, and you may want to consider moving on -- he's not giving you all the TLC a Cosmo woman deserves. But because body lingo isn't a perfect science, look for other indicators in your relationship (he's less psyched to have sex lately and is spending more time out minus you) before you jump the gun and assume he's lost that lovin' feeling.

Part 7: Read His Lips
Here, telltale signs that he's BS-ing you:

Lip Slip 1: If he says "Believe me," "Honestly" or "To tell you the truth ..." he's trying to overcompensate for not being straightforward by using convincing lingo.

Lip Slip 2: If he answers your question with a question, he's stalling for time to figure out what to say.

Lip Slip 3: If he denies something in an exaggerated way, such as "No, I didn't do it. Absolutely not. No, no, no," he's probably lying. If it were the truth, he'd feel confident enough saying it just once.