Is There a Breakup in Your Future?

by Lauren Frances

Sometimes we don't see a breakup coming until it hits us like a ton of bricks. We think everything is going great with our guy until WHAM! He drops the breakup bomb. That's why author and dating expert Lauren Frances says it's time to wise up and take off those rose-colored glasses. In this excerpt from her new book, Dating, Mating, and Manhandling, she walks us through a relationship reality check. Her tips can help us assess whether or not our union is worth fighting for.

Resist the urge to preen.

Most women love to fluff up everything around them. My calico cat was the recipient of much (unwanted) attention. He never asked to be put in a dolly dress, and in one photo is struggling with a cherry lolly that i rammed into his mouth "because he liked it." The bunny got sent to the vet when I "accidentally" hugged it too hard, and i broke my Easy-Bake Oven from excessive entertaining.

I, like so many women, needed to overcome the tendency to get carried away with the activities associated with being "in love." This is dangerous territory to tread on, especially in the courtship phase of a relationship. (Stick to bikini waxing, jogging and dust busting.) Unfortunately, when you become a whirling dervish of romantic activity, you run the risk of stifling your suitor's natural instinct to ante up and build the relationship with you. Men are practical. If you're doing all of the hard labor, they'll take it as a cue to move their focus to other important things (like foosball), because in their minds… you're handled.

Don't give more time, energy or attention to the men you're dating than they're giving back to you.

Remember: Men fall in love through the process of doing. They need to build a nest around you to mark their territory and to make the relationship their own. If you're always one step ahead of them, they'll feel unappreciated, unnecessary and even emasculated. This dynamic will not result in the torrid sex that you deserve!

Romantic Rule: Overgiving short-circuits the male coupling instinct! If your man has become romantically lazy, it's probably because your overabundant giving has drowned his desire to win and woo.

When you're stuck in quicksand, the more you do, the deeper you'll sink.

At this juncture many women sink even deeper by mistakenly thinking that they're not doing enough to please their man. In a panic, they redouble their winsome efforts in a misguided attempt to revive his ardor and attention.

The only way to get unstuck is to stop acting like Santa in a mini. When he finally calls you again (and trust me, they always always call again), let him take you you to dinner, let him pick up the check and let him give you oral sex. The only thing you're allowed to do is enjoy yourself, and the only things you're allowed to say are, "A little to the left," "Yes, right there!" and "Thank you!"

Overgiving creates guilt, not marriage.

Most men believe in the scales of justice and don't want to be characterized as being selfish or unfair. The biggest reason not to overgive is because it makes your man feel guilty. He'll only wind up feeling manipulated by racking up a romantic debt that's not of his own making.

Man Fact: Men are professionals at keeping score!

Most men secretly enjoy jumping through hoops of fire, scaling craggy cliffs and bringing over Chinese takeout. But if you tip the scales of romantic justice and burden a man with a love debt, it will ultimately backfire. Usually, the trouble begins when you notice that he's not really reciprocating in kind.

Many women will now start to make the classic mistake of complaining about everything they've been doing for him. Who asked you to teach his children French anyway? (You!) This is a terrible way to get your man to make a deeper commitment, and you risk violating the supreme rule of male courtship: Men only do what they want to do.

No matter what men say, watch what they do.

When we stuff the bird, men construe it as pressure, and a big reaction is sure to follow. Overgiving can induce La-Z-Boy Recliner Syndrome or turn your Lovebird into a Bat Out of Hell. If the gods really want to punish you for poor manhandling, you might even wind up with six feet of trouble. He's the type who'd be more than happy to sit in your nest and channel surf until you come home from a hard day at the office, and expect you to cook him dinner.

Instead, when you wisely pull back, men will naturally pick up the slack and romantically reengage if they're remotely right for you. And you'll have given yourself the priceless gift of clarity. You might need to make some changes in how you choose to prioritize your relationship. Low self-esteem and fear of loss are usually the real reasons women start overcompensating in the first place. Don't despair! It will become easy to see what your partner's contributing to the relationship once you step back and stop overgiving. You'll be able to see exactly what you've got left on your plate, and then you can deal with the meal.

Romantic Rule: Slim Jims and Hershey's Kisses do not count as dinner.

Obsess Much?

Do you obsessively think about "him" and "your relationship"? Learn how to snap yourself out of the hypnotic state you've put yourself into by "circling your prey."

Romantic Rule: No one is obsessed when their needs are getting met, unless they're lunatics.

When a woman is tormented by love, she's usually hooked on a man who can't fulfill her most basic needs for love, attention, sex, intimacy, companionship or commitment. In other words, you've either fallen in love with a sociopath… or a homosexual. If this sounds like you, the good news is that you're not wrong to feel bad, but the bad news is that once you've become obsessed, your relationship is usually bad news for you.

Romantic Rule: Being "in love" means that two people feel the same way about each other.

In other words, if someone asked both partners how they felt about each other, they'd both say, "I'm soooo in love!" Otherwise, one of you is suffering from romantic delusions.

In other words, if you have to ask other people about what's happening in your relationship, you're not really in one. And if you can't talk to him about what's happening in your relationship, you don't have one.