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by by Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D. When adultery shatters their relationship, both partners lose something. The betrayed feel as if they will never be able to trust or love wholeheartedly again. The betrayers feel they will never again find such flawless, undemanding love. Both sides must mourn these losses before they can change and move on. Like any grief, the sorrow for a dead relationship goes through stages: denial, anger, guilt and acceptance. All stages must be experienced before couples can find forgiveness and rebirth. The process requires great courage, determination and stamina nor--nobr but the reward is lasting Real-Life-Love. You cannot ignore or obliterate these feelings. You cannot forgive and reform your life while you are ruled by resentment, bitterness and hurt. You can't deny your emptiness, although a sad number of people try to do so. What the Deceived Must Do to Heal Allow yourself to grieve for your old untarnished relationship. What the Betrayer Must Do t...

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna Recovering from any kind of betrayal is never easy. When it comes to forgiving her husband for his affair, iVillager J wonders: "Am I letting him get off too easy? Should I be making him suffer more? I'm very torn about where mercy and being a doormat differ." And she's certainly not alone. No matter what the issue once was, forgiveness is always a difficult -- but real -- part of relationships. And knowing where to start is often the hardest part. Many people think that they must just let go of the past to move on. Along with causing grief and trepidation, that approach limits personal growth. Plus, memories and traces of the past are always with us -- for some as wounds, for others as treasures. But, when we try to block out the past from our lives, it resurfaces at the oddest times: Old patterns return as unfinished lessons yet to be learned. Rather than hate a period of our life, the person we "used to be" or people we...

by Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D., with Jean Coppock Staeheli Excerpted from NOT "Just Friends" After infidelity has entered a marriage, questions about specific details are frequently an entryway into a deeper story. For example, questions about what gifts or cards were exchanged are really probing for how invested the unfaithful partner was in the affair -- emotionally and financially. One unfaithful wife and her affair partner made cassette tapes for each other with special love songs. Although it was extremely painful for the betrayed husband to listen to the romantic words of the songs, it helped him realize why it was so hard for his wife to let go of the affair. He was also shaken by what he had neglected. Ultimately, he was inspired to bring more romance back into their marriage. The following 10 questions will guide your exploration of the circumstances of the infidelity and the meaning behind it. Some of them are questions I use in my clinical practice to bring a slightly ...

by by Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph. D. Heart attacks are not always fatal -- and neither is adultery. Cardiac patients can survive and even thrive, once they find a healthier way of living. After an affair, a couple can do the same by finding a healthier way of loving. I know how wrenching adultery can be, because I watched it nearly tear apart my own family. I also know from my own experience, both personal and professional, that adultery can be a forgivable sin. Fidelity is not a guarantee that love persists, nor is infidelity a sign that love has faded or died. In fact, adultery can even be a way -- albeit dysfunctional -- to try and stabilize a floundering relationship. Why is adultery so frightening and yet so fascinating? In part because we recognize the appeal of it. We grew up in triangles, competing for our mother's attentions with our father and our siblings, and vice versa. That taught us, deep inside, to be terrified of abandonment and to resent sharing. We never quite ...

By Gilda Carle, Ph.D. Most of us — even the not-so-jealous types — know that feeling of, “Is my sweetheart really working late… or could this person be two-timing me?” I’ve counseled many individuals dealing with this concern, so let me share my knowledge with you about the signs that someone is cheating (or seriously contemplating it). Use this information and insight—and either stop worrying or have a serious talk with your partner! Sign #1: Your sweetie keeps you a secret from his/her family & friends Cheaters keep you in the dark while they play in the light. Your relationship won’t work if you’re getting what I call the Shadow Treatment. The Shadow Treatment means that you are often kept waiting in the wings while your mate is out socializing. Think about it: Are there gatherings of friends, family reunions or workplace parties that you are not invited to? Do you only meet some of your honey’s network of friends? If you are kept on the sidelines, there’s probably a good reaso...

Heart attacks are not always fatal -- and neither is adultery. Cardiac patients can survive and even thrive, once they find a healthier way of living. After an affair, a couple can do the same by finding a healthier way of loving. I know how wrenching adultery can be, because I watched it nearly tear apart my own family. I also know from my own experience, both personal and professional, that adultery can be a forgivable sin. Fidelity is not a guarantee that love persists, nor is infidelity a sign that love has faded or died. In fact, adultery can even be a way -- albeit dysfunctional -- to try and stabilize a floundering relationship. Why is adultery so frightening and yet so fascinating? In part because we recognize the appeal of it. We grew up in triangles, competing for our mother's attentions with our father and our siblings, and vice versa. That taught us, deep inside, to be terrified of abandonment and to resent sharing. We never quite give up on the childish fantasy...

By Chelsea Kaplan You’ve probably heard that men cheat for physical reasons, women for emotional reasons. Sure, there’s some truth to that, but when we asked real women around the country to share why they strayed from their boyfriends, we learned they had a whole host of explanations—from bad kissing to sheer revenge. Read on for the truth about why women have given in to temptation. Reason #1: There’s no passion “I had been with John for about three years—he was a really nice guy, and I enjoyed being with him, but there wasn’t a ton of passion. Most everyone we knew had gotten engaged, and though John would have proposed in a second, whenever he brought it up, I’d change the subject. I took a trip to Australia for work, and while I was gone, I got together with a co-worker to whom I’d always been insanely attracted. I had a fantastic trip, probably because for the first time in a long time I experienced that excitement I’d been missing. I broke up with John soon after I returned home...

By Chelsea Kaplan Sometimes, when the going gets tough, the tough get it on with someone else. But what really makes men stray? A nagging girlfriend? Bad sex? An escape from loneliness? Yes, yes and yes. Hear why these men slipped away from their girlfriends and landed in someone else’s bed. Then — whether you’re a guy or a girl — use the info below to sidestep this kind of situation in your love life. Reason #1: For payback “I once cheated on my girlfriend after I saw on her cell phone that she had been text-messaging with her ex. They were pretty harmless messages, but it angered me that she had been communicating with him in the first place—I’d always thought they were a little too chummy. That night, I was out with friends and had a lot to drink. I got so worked up about those messages that I pretty much made it my mission to find another girl and hook up with her, which I did. I think it was a payback thing. We eventually broke up, but not because of that incident — I never told h...

By Vanessa Burton Sometimes women claim that they were driven into the arms of another man because their guy was a terrible, awful, horrible person, and they found comfort in the arms of someone who was sensitive and attentive. Bullcrap. That's just a cop out. A cheater is a coward. At least, that's my take on it. That said, this article isn't about a woman who will cheat on you because you're neglecting her or not attentive to her delicate needs. Rather, it's about whether or not your girl will cheat on you regardless of how you treat her. it may be inevitable You could be the greatest man on Earth: the best lover, funny, sexy, a gentleman, and all that good stuff, but if she's wired to cheat, she will, despite any efforts on your part. This actually isn't about you at all; it's about her. All I can do is help you figure out if she was born to cheat and help you get rid of her before she rips your heart out through your testicles. Here are some signs th...

(This comes direct from a guy who is about to reveal signs he's about to cheat.) When it comes to cheating, men are king. We cheat at cards, we cheat on our taxes, and far too often, we cheat on our partners. According to the Ashley Madison Agency, 50 to 60 percent of men will engage in an extramarital tryst at some point in their lives. Our reasons are myriad, but the telltale signs of propensity for infidelity are typically the same. Gain insight into your own potential cheating heart by reading the top 10 signs you're about to have an affair. 10. You create a web of excuses and stories Once reticent and quiet, you've suddenly become a better story-teller than Mother-Goose. You never leave the house without an alibi, and you're constantly lying about the women with whom you've been spending time. You haven't done anything yet, but you're clearly preparing yourself for the day when you do. 9. You feel trapped You feel completely ensnared and you're not ...

An excerpt from 180 Telltale Signs Mates Are Cheating and How to Catch Them Think your mate might be having an affair? Find out if he is displaying any of the warning signals described by Raymond B. Green, a private investigator and former police officer, and Marcella Bakur, a psychology professor at Marymount Manhattan College. Here, the 32 emotional signs that he is having an affair : Your mate is more attentive to your needs than usual. This is due to the guilt feelings experienced by the cheater in the early stages of his or her affair. The attention will diminish as the affair continues. Your mate begins buying you gifts -- lots of gifts . These are "Guilt Gifts" purchased because your partner feels guilty about betraying you and showering you with presents makes him or her feel better. Your mate's behavior is causing a gut feeling in you that something isn't right . If this happens, pay attention to your instincts. Ignoring them means you want to blind your...