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To snag a man, let him do the chasing

2009-08-16T11:01:00.003+08:00

Author of ‘How to be a Hepburn in a Hilton World,’ says don't call him.

TODAY books

updated 3:13 p.m. ET Aug. 14, 2009

In her book "How to be a Hepburn in a Hilton World," author Jordan Christy says that women should be polite, well-spoken, gracious, charming and thoughtful — despite the images proliferated by wild celebutantes. In this excerpt, she writes that in order to find love, women should not pursue men. An excerpt.

Let him come calling
Turns out our mother was right—ladies shouldn’t make the ﬁrst move. Let’s be honest, do you really want to have to tell your children, “That’s right, kids, I had to beat down your father’s door and constantly create diversions to get his attention! I sent multiple text messages, wore my shortest skirts, and practically threw myself at him before he noticed me. But don’t you worry, I eventually wore him down!” Of course not. We all want a guy to approach us, fall madly in love, and not be able to wait to call us. So how do you make that happen? It’s actually not complicated at all (at least not nearly as difﬁcult and convoluted as we girls make it). You’ll see how, starting with the basics of dating, the truth about girls who make the ﬁrst move, the importance of not ruining a good thing, why he needs to call you, and when it’s okay to give it away.

First of all, we live in an extremely deceiving society. We’ve seen Lindsay Lohan making out with a different guy (or girl) in some pool every week and the Kardashians hooking up with every piece of eye candy the cat drags in. Casual sex is oh-so-glamorous through the lens of movies and TV. Instant messaging, texting, and video messages are the norm between guys and girls. But the painful, real-life truth is that none of this works. Why? Because it goes against the basic laws of nature, that’s why! If you glean nothing else from this book, I want you to hear this headline-worthy, urgent-newsﬂash, critical-emergency, vital-stat message: We make ourselves waaaay too accessible. How, you may ask? Let me count the ways.

In no particular order, we have the following means of scaring off a new guy: e-mailing, Facebook messaging, MySpace stalking, texting, calling, showing up unannounced, inviting him over, and did I mention coming on too strong? We will delve into these atrocities in more detail later on and talk about why being so accessible is nothing but a curse, but ﬁrst let’s look at how it ever got to this point.

It’s no secret that we girls start fantasizing about a fairy-tale wedding and happily-ever-after love story around the same time we start teething (I still have a wedding book that I compiled at age six!). Relationships are a big deal to us. We want to hear all about our roommate’s new boyfriend, have to get every detail of our coworker’s upcoming nuptials, and lament right along with Jennifer Aniston over Brad Pitt as if he cheated on us. We love to watch TLC’s A Wedding Story, feverishly scan Us Weekly for the latest blossoming celebrity romance, and sob every time we see Sleepless in Seattle. We spend hours prepping ourselves for a date and even more time obsessing about what our potential children will look like and whether or not our initials mesh nicely. Conclusion: girls love love.

So why would you subconsciously sabotage all those efforts through your modern-day attempts at ﬁnding true love? This question bafﬂes me daily. I’d like to think that it’s out of sheer naiveté—most girls don’t appear to be in a lucid mental state when they’re throwing themselves at some circus clown off the street and clearly aren’t aware that they are actually driving that poor boy further away. But luckily, you will no longer have to be the victim of such careless ways in love, because we’re going to start doing things the right way—the old-fashioned way! And it starts by not messing with nature.

Well over a century ago (in 1870, to be exact), William Shakespeare Hays wrote a wonderful song called “Truly Yours.” The lyrics just go to show you that this whole love–romance–dating thing has been going on a long time, and we’re probably not going to be the ones to change the entire course of it anytime soon.

In these lyrics we have the entire saga of love and romance summed up in a few phrases: guy meets girl, guy falls in love with girl, guy can’t think of anyone but her and is obsessed with girl up until dying day à la The Notebook. This age-old plot could explain the rapid popularity of said movie. I know all of us ladies love that love story, and as much as they might grumble, deep down, every guy likes the movie, too (even my husband, who has a beard, drives a truck, and aspires to be a lumberjack). Why? Because it is, without a doubt, the ideal, most picturesque illustration of romance: guys want a girl to chase after, and girls want a guy to want to track them down.

It has always been this way—from Adam and Eve to knights climbing the tower for their lady in waiting to Jane Austen’s generation of gallant gentlemen writing letters to their intended, right up to our reality-obsessed era of Girls Gone Wild. Guys still want to pursue the girl, and no amount of cell phones, sex tapes, and IM conversations are going to change that. I’m not sure why we’ve all of a sudden taken it upon ourselves to change the structural makeup of a guy’s mind, but I’m telling you right now, it’s pointless. The implementation of the Sadie Hawkins dance in 1937 didn’t do anything to alter the ingrained behaviors of guys and girls. I hate to say it, but you’re never going to get the guy until you simply let him be the guy. And what do guys want to do? Chase things!

Sometimes it may feel like we are the only ones in this confusing cycle, but this whole process has been around since the beginning of time. It’s history. It’s nature. It’s just the way of it! Men are natural-born hunters—they like the thrill of the chase. It’s why boys like to race cars, bid on worthless eBay junk, and go hunting in the woods. They love a good pursuit. You don’t see many of us females out tackling opponents to claim some pigskin ball on a perfectly good Sunday afternoon, do you? Nope. We’re also not usually on the front lines racing after some impending tornado or disastrous storm. And while we were politely ﬁxing tea and cupcakes for our dolls and friends, the rowdy neighbor boys were in hot pursuit of the bad guy, playing cops and robbers. It’s in their nature to hunt, chase, and track down, and if you make yourself readily available (calling, texting, stalking), guys no longer have anything to pursue. And if there’s nothing there to chase after, dream about, or hunt down, they’ve probably already lost interest.

Don’t believe me? If you’re still of the I’ll-get-the-check-not-him mentality, all stubborn and adamant that we just go out and snag a man, I challenge you to take a gander at the responses to the question I posed to ten delightful, successful, happily married men: Did she pursue you, or did you pursue her? Their answers show that the odds are against those trying to muster up the guts to do the asking ﬁrst.

Jeremy, married ﬁve years: I deﬁnitely had to pursue Sarah. She wasn’t interested in me at all, so I went out and bought concert tickets to see her favorite band to try and impress her.

Herman, married seventy-eight years: I met Emma when I was eighteen and she was just sixteen. I was very nervous about asking her parents’ permission to take her out, but I just knew she was the one and knew I had to go for it. So we started seeing each other and were married two months later. That was a long time ago!

Bo, married four years: Even though Claire and I had known each other for years, I had to make the ﬁrst move. We saw each other for the ﬁrst time in years, and she just looked so great that I asked for her number and asked her out there on the spot.

Joey, married eleven years: I had to go after Brandi. She just got out of a relationship and didn’t really want to have anything to do with me, or any guy, for that matter. But I eventually wore her down, and now she’s stuck with me!

Greg, married forty-two years: I had to pursue Carol. Two of our mutual friends even tried to set us up on a date, but she refused! So I just kept asking her out until she ﬁnally agreed. We went to a high school basketball game together, and the rest is history.

José, married one year: I had to pursue her. I met Tina when we were playing a show at a small club in this obscure town in Alaska. I thought she was the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen, so I started talking to her after the show, asked for her number, and called her ﬁrst thing the next morning.

Christopher, married seventeen years: I had to do all the work! I ﬁrst saw Kerry when our high school football team played her school on a Friday night. She was a cheerleader, she was so cute, and I knew that I just had to say something to her afterward. So I waited around for an hour and a half after the game to talk to her.

Al, married thirty-three years: Well, we were only in eighth grade, but I still had to do the pursuing! I wrote Paula a note, asking if she would go steady. She said yes, and we dated all through high school and got married the day she turned eighteen!

Jefferson, married nine years: I met Bonita at a church picnic and deﬁnitely had to pursue her. She didn’t want to have anything to do with me, but I just kept annoying her and pestering her until she ﬁnally agreed to go on a date.

Ryan, married three years: Natalie came to one of our band’s shows with a bunch of her friends; I saw her in the crowd and just knew that I had to go talk to her, so I think you could safely say that I pursued her. I found her after¬ward, got her number, and haven’t stopped talking to her since!

My sweet boy Drew had to do the pursuing, as well—I even turned him down twice before agreeing to a date, because I thought he was too quiet. He told me later that he was beyond distraught and even couldn’t eat for days because he knew he wanted to marry me but I didn’t seem to want to have anything to do with him! Luckily, he mustered up what dignity he had left and asked again, and as it turns out, the third time was the charm. He ended up taking me to the exact place I had told my sister that I wanted my future husband to take me on our ﬁrst date, and from that ﬁrst night on, I knew I was going to marry him, too.

Even rock stars and celebrities have to do some pursuing. When it comes to men being the go-getters in relationships, Kelly Ripa’s hunky husband Mark Consuelos says candidly, “I don’t think guys like to be put on a pedestal or, you know, have their butts kissed . . . Honestly, that kind of freaks us out. We deﬁnitely like a challenge.”

When Rob Thomas met his future wife, Marisol, she apparently was not impressed with him or his appearance, and he had to pursue, as well. “He looked awful,” she says. “He was wearing khaki drawstring pants he’d rolled up to the knee for some reason. He was also wearing a gigantic T-shirt and a ﬂoppy ﬁsherman’s hat with Mickey Mouse on it . . . I just thought, ‘This is so wrong and so tragic.’” But despite her qualms about his fashion sense, she gave him her number when he asked for it, and a couple of months later, they were engaged.

So regardless of the guy’s current status, bank account, background, or beliefs, if he’s interested, he will do the pursuing. There’s no need to interfere with the ways of nature! Doing so will only scare him off (and I have waaaay too many stories to prove this—ask me sometime and I’d be more than happy to share them!). Of this phenomenon the bold and beautiful Beyoncé says, “When you really don’t like a guy, they’re all over you, and as soon as you act like you like them, they’re no longer interested.”

So how do you avoid the clingy-and-desperate act yet still let him know that you’re available? It all goes back to not making yourself too accessible. It’s not very twenty-ﬁrst-century-empowered-woman of me to say this, but you simply need to let him call you. Grace Kelly once said, “Emancipation of women has made them lose their mystery.” And a woman’s mystery is one of the biggest attracting factors for a guy. So when in doubt, just put those phones away and keep them there, because dialing his digits four hours after you’ve met is only going to turn him off. In fact, here is a list of activities to abstain from during the initial courting period (which can range from the original meeting to several months down the road—you’ll know when this time is over when he asks you to be exclusively his!).

Making the initial call—the only way you’re allowed to call him is if he ﬁrst calls you and leaves a speciﬁc message asking you to call him back. There are no exceptions, including “Maybe he lost my number” or “He’s really busy, so he probably just forgot” or “He has bad service, so I should just call him.” If he was seriously interested in you, he would never, I repeat, NEVER lose that number, and he would easily make his way to some dark alley to get a few service bars on his phone.

Texting incessantly—especially two hours after you met him to say how much you liked the shirt that he wore tonight. Nothing drains the elusive female mystique faster than a text message that showcases your innermost thoughts and feelings. Leave him to hope, wonder, and get butterﬂies. Texting does not leave him wanting more.

Social network interaction—nothing says overzealous like a creepy MySpace friend request, and I have yet to meet a girl that ended up with a guy she stalked online. If he’s interested, he will ﬁnd you. And even then, you shouldn’t get involved in an e-message/IM situation. If he is truly interested, he will want to talk with and see you in person, so there’s no need to start a bizarre-o online relationship.

Too-revealing updates—you need to completely disregard that impulse to race back to your room and blog that you’ve just met the man of your dreams. Word will inevitably get back to him that you’re obsessed with him, and he’ll assume you’re a little batty and will be scared poopless. Guys don’t want to hear that you’re planning their wedding or naming their unborn children (even if you are!), so let’s skip the emotional Facebook updates and the tell-all Twitters.

Planting yourself in strategic spots—the unnatural act of hanging around his hangouts is not only transparent, it’s weird. I’m convinced that if you’re truly destined to be with someone, you won’t have to leave your house at a calculated time, hide out in the bushes for hours, and then magically materialize, looking fresh-faced, surprised to see him, and very available. For the record, driving by his house or apartment multiple times a day doesn’t work, either.

Again, once he has lovingly gazed into your eyes and said that he can’t imagine himself with anyone else, you’re pretty much free to call and text whenever. Until then, the key is to keep him wanting more. And you can’t do that when you’re getting a tan from the 24/7 glow of that cell phone, obnoxiously informing him of every minute detail of your day while subtly slipping in hints of matrimony and grandchildren. Luckily, by the time he’s professed his undying love, it means that he is so enamored of you that you won’t be able to get rid of him—soon you’ll be politely asking him to just leave you alone for a couple hours so that you can get some actual work done!

One of my favorite literary characters of all time, Gone with the Wind’s Scarlett O’Hara, said, “Why does a girl have to be so silly to catch a husband?” Judging by the actions of most females these days, one might think this is exactly what we have to do. Between Tila Tequila’s degrading hooker-like antics and the bulk of The Bachelor contestants’ hot-tub-and-champagne shenanigans, silly is an understatement. But in reality, the majority of guys aren’t looking for stupid; they just want a fun, smart, down-to-earth girl they can take home to Mom.

Excerpted from "How to be a Hepburn in a Hilton World" by Jordan Christy. Copyright © 2009 by Jordan Christy. Reprinted by Center Street, a division of Hachette Book Group, New York, NY. All rights reserved.

10 Dating Deal Breakers: Reasons He Might Break Up with You

2008-12-31T01:12:00.000+09:00

Editor's Note: Have you ever been blindsided by a breakup? Well, we don't want that to ever happen to you again. That's why we're presenting you with these dating deal breakers, reasons he might break up with you, all-star dating advice from the guys at AskMen.com. Some of the dating deal breakers they list are obvious. Some aren't. But either way, it never hurts to keep dating tips and dating advice from guys in your back pocket.

She doesn't back you up.
As men, we tend to engage in a few questionable activities from time to time. We'll speak out of turn or end up putting our foot in our mouth on more than one occasion. The comment may be benign, or just a controversial opinion, but it's your opinion nevertheless and you're entitled to it. At which point the standoff becomes clear and your back is against the wall. Your girlfriend should be right there next to you against that wall. If she doesn't respect you enough to back you up in public with friends, parents or colleagues, and if she berates you for it later, you've got yourself a dating deal breaker.

She flirts with other guys

There can be few things more detestable in life than the feeling that you're girlfriend is having more fun with another man than she does with you. If you and your girlfriend go out with a group and you find her authentically laughing at his jokes, touching his arm, generally enjoying his company -- in other words, flirting -- this is a deal breaker. That sour feeling in the pit of your stomach isn't going to go away easily and it's going to cast a pall over the entire relationship.

She neglects you publicly
Sometimes a woman's interest is caught by a passerby, a friend from college, an old colleague from work or an old boyfriend. As a man, you don't necessarily need to be the paramount priority in her life, but you do expect to warrant enough regard not to be ignored when this sort of thing occurs. It's demeaning to watch as your girlfriend carries on a conversation with this person, while you're nervously laughing along, smiling and nodding silently because she hasn't introduced you. This shows just how low you are on her priority list.

She lies
This is a tough one. You've just caught her in a relatively small lie, maybe she didn't go to the gym like she said she did and instead went for a drink with her friend. Maybe she broke your date due to illness, but later you find out that she was out dancing. Sure, it's just one lie about something that really doesn't affect the grand scheme of your relationship -- it's nice to think that. Unfortunately, that's not the case. If she's willing to lie on matters of such minor importance, she's probably going to lie to save face when the question is more important. Lying, no matter the reason or the outcome, should always be a deal breaker for your relationship.

She criticizes you
Successful men need their integrity and their self-esteem intact. Believing you can do something and building the momentum to actually go and do it is by far the more difficult proposition. If your girlfriend is willing to criticize you in such a way that it cuts so deeply into such an important part of your successful psyche, then that's a definite deal breaker. You may be tempted to let the first one go, but the longer you let that sort of behavior go unchallenged, the more degraded your self-esteem will be when you let her go.

She disappears without telling you
This one is relative to the amount of time you've been dating. If you've been dating a month and she disappears for a week without telling you what's going on, that's a dating deal breaker. Similarly, if you've been dating for eight months and she disappears for three weeks without prior explanation, you've got yourself a solid deal breaker. She owes you an explanation if she's going on vacation or to visit a sick relative or for any reason whatsoever. You don't have to agree with it, but the fact that she doesn't even mention to you what's going on and remains incommunicado while she's away is ridiculously disrespectful. There's no good excuse not to cut her loose in this case.

She abuses you
When your girlfriend lays into you, either with fists of fury or scathing comments, you need to let her go. Relationships are built upon trust and mutual respect. You're showing her respect every day by valuing her as a person and you deserve the same at an absolute minimum. If she's able to fly off the handle and really try to hurt you, she's unhinged and you need to let her go.

She scolds you publicly
The last thing you want is to look like a scorned child in public. You've been railing against that feeling since you were 13 years old. If you're out in a public setting and your girlfriend attempts to correct your behavior with utter disregard to the surrounding scene, you're smack dab in the middle of a dating deal breaker. She's not your mother and you're not her child. You're equals in a relationship, although she apparently doesn't think so. Whatever she wants to say to you, she should say in private and discuss it like adults. To scold you in public is right on the fast track to relationship forfeiture.

She has a substance abuse problem
Having a problem with drugs or alcohol is a pretty big deal. Suddenly, priorities are shifted around and the demon becomes all-encompassing. What she does to you suddenly takes a back seat to feeding an addiction. If you suddenly discover her problem, 9 times out of 10, it's a deal breaker. The exception is if you helped to contribute to that problem, or she developed it in some way because of you. In that case you've got an obligation to the issue you've helped create. It's a treacherous tightrope to walk, best of luck.

She cheats
The granddaddy of all dating deal breakers: This is such a slap in the face to you, your trust, whatever you built in your relationship, and her integrity. When she cheats she encompasses almost every other deal breaker there is and compounds the problem. The second she's cheated there should be no second chances. If you give a second chance, you're cultivating bad behavior and inviting round after round of infidelity. Most people will cheat, or they won't. It's a binary condition and if you're girlfriend has cheated you've found yourself on the losing end of that deal. It's the No. 1 relationship deal breaker and you just need to walk away with your dignity intact.

The Dangers of Dating a Coworker

2008-11-02T02:29:00.003+09:00

While dating a coworker might seem like a wild, adventurous thrill ride that could make an otherwise drab workweek that much more exciting, there are a few key factors to keep in mind before taking the plunge into an office romance.

These points are critical, especially for those of you who are trying to advance your career in a small office environment.

Size Matters

A small- to medium-size office can be a potentially disastrous place to find oneself attracted to a female colleague. While falling for a coworker isn't necessarily advised in any office environment, this holds especially true in a small workplace where everyone is into everyone else's business — both personal and work-related.

You are already in direct contact with her on a daily basis, you talk about life and work, you have coffee and perhaps the occasional lunch here and there, it's almost as if the early stages of the dating game have already been taken care of.

To Leap or Not to Leap?

But at what point do you decide if it's worth your while — and potentially your future at that job — to take the next step and become involved with your coworker? Well, before you make any drastic decisions, our best advice is to take a closer look at all the potential benefits and disasters that could be associated with this new career move.

Then — and only then — can you truly ask yourself: "Does the play outweigh the price I may have to pay?"

The Benefits

As with most new relationships, the real excitement comes in the early stages: the flirting, the secret emails, the smiles and sexual glances, the playful jokes and letters. These are all bonuses that will most definitely bring joy to your long, hard day at the office. Let's take a look at some of the specific benefits.

You feel vitalized when you wake up in the morning; you can't wait to see her all decked out in her office attire, complete with that cheery smile when she sees you walk in. Perhaps even a little "good morning" peck on the cheek— in private, of course.
If she's the office babe, chances are you'll feel and act like the office stud with this new boost of excitement in your life. However, the other guys in the office might be somewhat jealous of you when they catch on. But you couldn't care less; you're on top of the world, right?
You get to have lunch together. An otherwise boring office lunch can magically turn into an intimate lunch date complete with flirting, frolicking and maybe even a quickie.
During private time, you'll always have something to talk about when your conversation becomes stale, as you both live and breathe 40 hours of the same workspace each and every week.
You always have someone to confide in concerning your work-related problems. Likewise, you can be there for her when she needs to blow off some steam.
The thrill of being intimate in the office during the day, after hours and when others aren't looking can be very exciting.
If you share good chemistry, chances are you'll work well in groups and complement one another on certain aspects of your jobs.

The Downsides

As with everything in life, along with the good comes the bad. The only difference in this case is that when it's bad, it's horrible.

When things aren't going your way at work, whether it's a personal issue or a work-related incident, the last thing you need is added pressure stemming from tension between you and your office flame. That cold, hard glare she lets off can really burn a hole right through the back of your brain when tension arises. Even worse is when others around the office have to witness this chaos. Not pleasant in the least.
The more private time you spend together during office hours, the more and more you'll begin to alienate yourself from your other colleagues. The worst thing you can do is distance yourself from your immediate associates, especially those you've developed personal relationships with. As soon as trouble in corporate paradise rears its ugly head and you find yourself as the office outsider, you'll have to work overtime to regain their trust and friendship.
When the going gets tough, it's difficult to avoid one another in a small office. Chances are your office space or workstation is just around the corner from hers, so attempting to ignore her all week is virtually impossible. In a larger office, you may be able to pull it off.
Office gossip can destroy your chances of promotion. Should your boss discover that you're more preoccupied with your relationship than with your job, you may find yourself writing those cute little love notes on a pink slip.
No matter how much excitement your coworkers have in their personal lives, they always seem to be trying to catch you in the act. If they sense that something is going on between you and your lady friend, they'll do everything in their power to expose you. If you are caught in an act of intimacy during office hours, you're busted. This alone can severely harm your professional image.
If she's having a bad day, guess who's first in line to hear about it all day at work, then some more during private time?
If she's having mood swings, you're public enemy No. 1.

The Breakup

As with many relationships, you may find that this one simply isn't working out. Should you decide that it's time to break it off, those 40 work hours per week might feel like an eternity in the early stages of the breakup. The beauty of breaking off a normal relationship is that you no longer have to see the other person afterward. Obviously, the same rules don't apply when it comes to an office fling.

If you are responsible for ending it, she might seek revenge and try to make your life hell at work. She may even try to get you canned.
On the other hand, if she ends it, you could be the bitter one and you might even attempt to seek revenge of your own. What's worse, jealousy may take its toll when you witness her flirting with other employees, going out on lunch dates and ultimately moving on with her life — without you. Such distractions can seriously harm your performance at work.
And last but not least, if you gossiped about other coworkers with her or bad-mouthed anyone during your good times together, there's a chance that those comments will come back to haunt you.

Make a Professional Decision

So there you have it. If you ever find yourself in this type of predicament, do whatever you feel is right, but let your brain weigh the pros and cons before enrolling yourself in a crash course in career chaos.

Unless you honestly believe that you can juggle your career and a relationship with one hand, you might want to do yourself a favor and keep your business and personal lives separate.

On the other hand, it's only natural to find yourself attracted to someone you work with closely day in and day out. While larger offices are generally more impersonal, smaller work environments tend to create the type of closeness that can lead to the development of a romantic relationship.

The Conditions Are Right

Plus, when getting involved with a coworker, chances are that you can bypass all the intricate steps that are required to attract and impress her from the get-go.

5 Ways Men Communicate with Women

2008-09-05T20:45:00.004+08:00

The relative success of every relationship you maintain in life hinges on communication. It is the foundation and bedrock of your bond with other people. Communication: Can it get any more basic than that?

No. And as a result, you may assume that we are all experts in the field of good communication. Of course, such an assumption is false, and even absurd. Because as we well know, the most common relationship predicament, when you boil it down to the essence of the problem, is communication.

We have difficulty with it and submit to almost unmanageable urges that compel us to act in a manner divergent from good relationship behavior. Men are the main offenders in this epidemic. We have that massive male ego to contend with for one, and an almost primordial instinct to "win" at every endeavor we partake in.

Fight to the death

When we unleash these typical male forces in the confines of our relationship, we blaze a trail of self-destruction. We start a pattern of dysfunction that breeds contempt, malice and the eventual downfall of the relationship. When all you have to do to prevent it is communicate with your woman, being a good partner looks to be a piece of cake, right?

Sure. Then why do most men drop the ball and fail to have a successful relationship with a woman? Check out the statistics or just reflect on the people around you. When it comes to good communication, men suck, and to be honest, many women are not much better. Females may have an innate sense for conflict resolution, but the bottom line is that we can all improve the way we communicate with each other.

Proper communication is so basic, yet we fail to execute most of the time. For that reason, the rules to get there are not rocket science. So if my advice seems more suited to a class of grade school punks, don't be offended or surprised. Sometimes kids can be used as an example to show adults how to get along in social situations. Just go to a local park in the summer to check out a soccer game between six-year-old girls and observe the behavior of the parents. But I digress. Men, start with these tips:

Make time

That's right, make time. Why the blank stare? You set aside time to watch sports, eat and have sex, don't you? Why should communication with your woman be any different? You have to block off an hour or two for quality time with her, whenever possible. Prioritize it. Make the effort to sit down across from her after a long day to discuss work, friends and your relationship. Heck, you can talk about the weather for all I care. Just talk.

Don't force the topic toward the relationship but do seize the opportunity to mention how well things are going or perhaps bring up areas you need to improve on to give her what she needs. In addition, don't shy away from explaining to her what you need from her. Too many men have a problem with this.

Take the time as you sit together, cook together, travel together or eat together to voice your dissatisfaction with certain aspects of the relationship. Just do it in a calm fashion, so as not to alarm her. Reassure her that you're happy (if that is the case) with the overall relationship; you just want one or two things to change. Whatever you want to discuss, just make the time for it and make it a joint effort.

Be an active listener

Sometimes I feel like a broken record but until these universal relationship blunders cease, I suppose I have no choice but to keep on with the same messages. Active listening, as opposed to passive hearing, is one of them.

You've read it before but the truth is that I get so much e-mail from men who have no clue how to do it, that I could write about it every time. It's not that hard to be an active listener but it does require a few traits that men sometimes find elusive: patience, concentration and modesty.

It requires patience because you have to give her as much time to listen to her message as she needs, point blank. Concentration is key because you have to not only look at her, but also focus on her: her eyes, her body language and her voice. What is she saying? What is she telling you? Concentrate.

I include modesty because a lot of men, myself included, have a problem letting someone take the floor for an extended period of time. They like to hear their own voice and want others to hear it too. These men want to dominate the conversation and hold court, so to speak. This is not, sad to say, a trait conducive to good relationship rapport.

So toss your ego aside and let her speak. And above all else, let her have the last word once in a while. Hint: It's not a sign of masculine weakness to do so.

Focus on her nonverbal communication

Some men are just so damn clueless, it makes me want to cry. They either fail to pick up on nonverbal hints from their partner on purpose, or just plain have no sensitivity radar at all. It's astonishing really, to witness these men in action.

Their girlfriends throw up their hands in exasperation or stare at them dumbfounded and hurt when they turn their backs and walk away or start a conversation with someone else. What's the deal with these men?

Hey, I'm no angel but when my woman is sad, upset or angry, an alarm in my head goes off immediately. I just know. Maybe her body language is less subtle than other women, but still, an instinct in me is set off and I quickly attempt to douse the fire. If you're not as quick to respond, you're either a jerk who doesn't care and does it on purpose, or oblivious to the nuances of nonverbal communication.

Here's the lowdown: Nonverbal communication includes gestures, movements, facial expressions, and other physical forms of body language. Take note, however; it also includes tone of voice, sighs, screams and vocal pitch and volume. Pay attention to all of these whenever you communicate with your lady.

In good and bad times, nonverbal communication will serve as an instant sign as to how she feels about you at that very moment, not to mention how she feels in general. No matter what words she chooses, her body language cannot mask her real emotions.

Let her know you care

This is where men get bit in the behind. Our competitive nature compels us to try to win every fight, to the point where we forget the one simple tenet about relationship conflict: There is no winner. It's time to stop thinking of every fight as a chance to get the upper hand and use rhetoric until she admits you're right.

That's not the end goal you should want in the long run. Because if it is, your woman is going to resent you before long. Not good. Which brings me to my point: Let her know, no matter how bad, how intense and how passionate the fight, that you care. Amidst all your rage and even when tempers flare, take a deep breath and do something to let her know that when all is said and done, you love her.

Touch her arm, stroke her hair, put your palm to her cheek, or just say the words, "I love you." Of course, some women don't appreciate such gestures in the "heat of battle" and may shove your hand aside or turn their back. Don't take it personally and don't get upset. Just get the message across that you care, even if she isn't ready to make up.

Do not be one of these guys

The Pretender: This is the man who has the appearances of an active listener but at the end of the day, does not give a damn about what his woman has to say. But give him credit; he manages to fool her almost every time. Too bad he has no idea how she feels at any given moment. His mind is on "more important" things, like his golf game or other women.

The Stage Hog: This big baby has to have all the attention, all the time. He loves to hear the sound of his own voice, to the detriment of his own relationship. Whenever possible, he shifts the focus of the conversation to himself, even if he has done his woman wrong. Do not become this loser.

The Trap-Setter: This selfish type listens to what he wants to hear. He is a selective active listener who turns the tables on his victim to use what she had to say against her at another point in time. His sole goal is to humiliate his woman the next time they fight and ensnare her to make himself look good. But to whom? In the long run, nobody.

The Contradictor: This type can take on many forms. He either refuses to acknowledge that there is a problem and unleashes a fierce temper until he gets his way, or worse yet; he turns his back anytime conflict arises. The bottom line though, is that this child can never take responsibility for his actions or recognize that something is amiss.

The Insensitive Jerk: This noncommunicator can inhabit the body of any other type at any point in time. He is selfish and has his own agenda in mind every time he fights with his woman. For one reason or another, he refuses to show compassion or admit when he is wrong. He can be abusive in a verbal manner or on the other side of the spectrum, hold his emotions in check so that his lady has no idea what is going on inside his small, dysfunctional head. Everyone hates Insensitive Jerk. Do not be him.

It takes time

Although I doubt this will rectify your communication problems completely, I hope it will lead to a greater understanding of your significant other, yourself and what both of you need in order to better listen to each other. Remember that communication is a two-way street. It requires the proper delivery of a message, as well as an active listener to process it. If you keep that in mind and do so with compassion, sensitivity and hold that ego at bay, you should come out a winner... you know what I mean.

6 Things He Doesn't Want You to Know

2008-09-05T20:38:00.003+08:00

After a certain time in a relationship, women start to equate what she knows about her guy with intimacy. Apparently, knowing all the little details about each other brings you closer together as a couple. Most men correctly identify this instinct as "nosiness."

There are some things that she doesn't need to know: Obviously, details such as the fact that you did time for murder might need to be dealt with sooner rather than later, but there's a host of other little facts that can be safely swept under the carpet. And for your own peace of mind, it's best if you encourage her to keep some of her stories there as well.

Note that we're not condoning outright lying, but it's often better to duck and dive. Skim over details, downplay the facts, or distract her with something shiny -- anything to keep sensitive information under wraps. More often than not, though, it's just a case of you keeping quiet when a stupid thought pops into your head. We'd like to remind you about all the things she doesn't need to know, just so you can work on keeping that yapper shut and keeping your relationship on calm waters.

You hooked up with the hot female bartender

There's something deep inside a man that means he can't help but boast. Think about how we were as little kids, always bragging who scored the most goals, who had the best bike, whose dad was the toughest. It's something we men never quite grow out of when you spot that really fine bartender you once made it with, there's a part of you that wants the whole world to know all the details of the sordid encounter. However, if you're with your woman, you have to learn to tell that part of you to shut the hell up because there are things she doesn't need to know, and this is definitely one of them.

It's best to avoid mentioning details regarding any woman you've hooked up with. You might think you have a good reason -- your girl could have jokingly knocked your masculinity or revealed a hookup of her own -- but it's best to just let it go. Pointing out every woman that's been lucky enough to spend time in your company will just lead to resentment and tit-for-tat comparisons of past conquests.

You lived with your parents until recently

OK, so sometimes things don't go as planned and you end up back with the folks. There are many valid reasons why a guy may be forced to move in with his parents for a while -- he might have had a bad breakup, or maybe he just finished college and is broke, or his own house was destroyed by an act of God. No one will think any less of him, right?Wrong: Living with your parents past the age of 21 hardly conveys the impression of a strong, independent man, now does it? First off, while you're still there, you shouldn't be dating. A one-night hookup ending at her place is fine, but nothing long-term. Wait until you're out of there and in your own place.

Once you are dating, mentioning the slip in living circumstances is one of the things she doesn't need to know. If she finds out that living with mom and dad is always an option for you, she'll do one of two things: Get rid of the loser or start to dominate the mama's boy. Neither of which you want.

The bad things your buddies are up to

Everyone's buddies do bad things -- hell, sometimes we even join them. Friendships between single guys are forged through long nights of drinking, screwing around and causing trouble. Women know this, and they don't like it.

So keep your mouth shut on all the reprehensible behavior your pals get up to, even if she seems to enjoy the stories -- secretly, she doesn't, and this is one of those things she doesn't need to know. In reality, your girl isn't happy to hear about Frank's latest DUI, the new girl that Dave knocked up or Charlie's obsession with hookers -- what she's doing is judging you by their actions.

In her eyes, the sins of all your friends rub off on you. If you relish telling the stories of their hell-raising exploits, your woman might get the idea that you want to be single again, and she'll want you to cut contact with those bad influences. At worst, she could even think you're out there sinning with them, which isn't going to be good for trust in the relationship.

one that got away

At some point, couples have to talk about past relationships. It's one of those annoying things that fall into the intimacy and getting-to-know-each-other categories. The key is to make sure it's done in the quickest, least-detailed way possible because you need to remember there are things she doesn't need to know, especially about your past.

You don't need to over-elaborate on the details of each girl and why she was so special to you. Keep it simple: her name, how old you were, how long it lasted, and maybe why it ended. Please don't tell her all about that one special girl.

What the woman in your life really doesn't need to know is that one girl came and changed everything, and that every other woman you meet will be judged by the high standards she set. And you really wish the two of you could have made it work. And that, if you met her again one day, you'd beg for a second chance. All that stays in the past.

You look at porn a number of times a week

Porn, thanks to the wonders of the World Wide Web, is everywhere. Gone are the days when magazines and videos had to be bought in an embarrassing transaction with a grubby little man behind the counter. Now, the full spectrum of sexual tastes and perversions can be viewed with a few strokes of the keyboard.

Not that you'll ever fully admit this to your girl. Most women don't like the idea of their man spending his evenings in the company of three hot and oiled-up cheerleaders, even if they are only stored on his hard drive. Sure, she'll have an idea that you occasionally stumble across it. And that's the line you should stick to: Every once in a while you get a little curious and take a peek. However, make sure she doesn't know you do it every evening, or each time she goes out to the store or, sometimes, all weekend.

You liked her friend first

Sometimes it happens: Guys end up dating the wrong girl. Maybe they went to talk to one and ended up hitting it off with her friend instead. Or a female friend got confused and set them up on a date with a different pal than the one they had originally wanted. You think things are going well, so maybe your girl should hear the funny story?

No. No. No. She won't think it's amusing or be amazed by all the little coincidences that brought the two of you together. What she will think is you can never be trusted with that friend of hers again.

Most of all, your girl will be hurt that she wasn't the one who attracted your attention from the beginning. Think about it: if she told you she wanted to talk to someone else, got stuck with you, and eventually dated you, would you feel worthwhile? Didn't think so.

Think before you speak

Not everything from your past should be common knowledge. No one's suggesting that you should build a false life and dupe some poor chick into being with you. However, covering up some details will help your relationship's chances of survival. And if she does try to call you on your secrecy, just tell her you can't help being a man of mystery.

When Men First Meet You What did they Notice most about you...

2008-07-10T06:51:00.005+08:00

by Steve Santagati

Let's face it: We all want to look sexy sometimes. And whether you're into a vintage style, or the full-on va-va-voom, we have to wonder, what do guys notice? If you ever wanted to know about men's preferences—like whether your Manolos even register on his Richter scale—here's your definitive guide. In this excerpt from The Manual, you'll find out for sure what men find sexy.

Attention to vanity will seem shallow at times, but in the game of love, it's very important. Most people I see are lazy in this department. And, not surprisingly, these are the same people who complain, saying things such as “People are so superficial,” “I want him to love me for what's inside,” or “I hate the gym.” Well, no one is telling you that you can't dress as you choose. But when you put those constraints on yourself, you're limiting the number of men who will find you attractive. In the end, meeting the right person is a numbers game, and part of getting those numbers rolling is how you dress.

A Woman's Closet, Designed by Men

Lingerie
Lingerie can be inexpensive, but it can't be the kind that comes in a package of three (white, pink, and blue). Nor can it be the “granny” kind with a waist that reaches up to you rib cage and that hangs like a diaper. Lingerie is one garment that you should find as sexy as he does. And it benefits you, too. Women have told me that when they wear nice underwear, even though no one may see it, they will actually walk and talk differently, just knowing they have a little sexy secret. If lingerie can do that to a woman—and we already know how it affects men—then don't you think you should go out and get yourself some? You have tons of choices, and when it comes to lingerie, men like just about anything.

Shoes
Again, we don't care. We know you like them. We don't understand why you like them. All we know is that many of you have closets full of them, and we've figured out that since you spend so much time and money on them, we can compliment them to flatter you. That's about it.

Most likely, if a guy tells you what nice shoes you have, he's either gay or “working on you.” My friend Mari recently told me that a guy came up to her in the airport and complimented her on new shoes. She's so sweet that she thought he meant it. I'm not saying that they're not nice shoes. But have you ever heard a man say, “Well, the thing that caught my eye was Shirley's shoes. I love those pumps, and when I saw them I knew she was the woman for me”? I don't know a single male who would say, “Dude, this chick had the hottest shoes on last night. Damn, I should've gotten her number.” It doesn't happen. Shoe flattery is for one purpose one: flattery. Have I made my point?

There is one style of shoes that men notice, and that's high heels. But heels are more about what a girl looks like in them than about the shoes themselves. Heels make feet and legs look sexy. The classic example is a girl wearing high heels in a bikini. Cheesy, and not particularly functional in the sands of Miami and L.A., but men notice for sure.

Hair
Hair, on the other hand, is, sigh, one of the sexiest things about a woman. Hair grabs us and doesn't let us go. Think octopus tentacles. Your style, color and texture are no matter. Your hair only needs to have a clean, tousled, just-out-of-bed look. My opinion is that most women look sexier with longer hair than shorter. Men like long, sexy hair largely because we don't have it. Plus, very few women can get away with that short boyish look. Next time you're out in public, watch how men look at women with long hair versus short.

On a related note, hair salons suck. I can't believe what they've done to some of your mops. They're not just ruining your hair; they're wrecking your love life. With the Internet and a gazillion fashion magazines at your fingertips, you've got plenty of references. Please think sexy and spend the time and money to get the right do. When in doubt, turn to whichever celebrity women are getting the most attention for being sexy, and copy them. Messy sexy is what you should be after: think Sheryl Crow, Jessica Alba, Jane Seymour and Reese Witherspoon.

A few more tips: Don't color your hair based on the swatches you picked up at the paint store. Other styles to avoid include bad bangs, mullets and that “business in the front/party in the back” look. And stop cutting your hair short as you age—there's no need to.

Dresses
Every woman wears a dress differently. The only hard-and-fast rule is to pick a dress that accentuates your best body parts. Whether you have a gorgeous back, incredible thighs, or lovely collarbones, stock up on designs that not only fit but also highlight those attributes.

Your shape and height determine much of what you'll look good in, but here are some general rules of thumb:

Shorter Girls

Wear heels. Heels create the illusion of longer legs. And as I've said, they're sexy!
Buy a dress that vaguely clings, while still allowing your bum to move freely. Check out the red carpet “best dressed” lists for examples.
Loose cotton dresses are best if you have some pounds to shed. They give us a hint of your bum and legs without a solid picture. We have vivid imaginations and we fantasize you better-looking, not worse. (We're on your side here. Just give us something to work with!)

Taller Girls

Stand up straight, shoulders back, chest high.
Wear longer dresses that hug your legs a bit. You want a fitted design.
Pick either heels of flats, depending on how tall you want to appear.
Make sure that at least 60 percent of your skin is covered by the dress. You have a lot of skin, and a little goes a long way.
As with shorter girls, loose-fitting, sheer cotton dresses that cling a little are great for those of you carrying a bit of extra weight.

Tops and Bottoms
This is fairly straightforward: You need to have tops and bottoms in your closet that you have no doubt are “man killers.” Call it your “good luck resisting me” section. This is the part of the closet that houses the cleavage cuts, the tighty tops, and the bootylicious jeans. Feel free to mix and match from the more “domestic” side of your closet, but never forget: it's a jungle out there, and sometimes it pays to get a little wild if you want to survive.

Glasses
Glasses are hot! Hands down. Just make sure you pick a great style that flatters your face and keep the lenses free of eyelashes and finger prints. I love chicks in glasses.

5 Ego Boosts Every Man Needs

2008-07-10T06:45:00.004+08:00

by Francesca Di Meglio

Men are full of surprises, and bedroom behavior is no exception. To get to the bottom of things, it took one of their own

-- and a psychologist at that -- George Weinberg, author of Why Men Won't Commit: Getting What You Both Want Without Playing Games, who studies male behavior in romantic relationships. While we can't explain all male behavior, here are five sex secrets that may help you understand -- and get even closer to -- your guy.

1. He's afraid he'll let you down -- literally. Men feel tremendous pressure to perform sexually. "In the past, men weren't evaluating their sexual performance because women weren't supposed to judge them," says Weinberg. But women aren't waiting for marriage to have sex anymore, and that means they have more experience in the bedroom. Sexually satisfied role models, like Madonna and the Sex and the City sirens, encourage women to be open about their sexual desires and complaints. Suddenly, the pressure to perform is on, and he can't help but feel like he has to please you. Even though you might forgive him for a few poor performances, he has a hard time forgiving himself.
Warning: If your man has a recurring problem getting aroused or maintaining his erection, he may start to blame you to protect his ego.
What you can do: Dr. Weinberg suggests something simple. Just relax and try to enjoy sex, which will help to alleviate some of the pressure. In other words, don't take it personally or, worse, insult him. And never point and laugh!

2. Men need validation to get their groove on. Sex is a source of power, and it gives proof that one is masculine. "To a man, having sex means that he can move a woman, that he's an athlete, a provider and a lover," says Weinberg. Basically, your guy wants to be a superhero, and he certainly wants you to see him in that light. When he satisfies you sexually, he feels like Superman. If you're enjoying yourself, let him know that Lois Lane is happy, adds Weinberg.
Warning: No encouragement means no mojo.
What you can do: It's simple. Say, "That feels good," or let out a moan or heavy breath when you feel like it. A good rule of thumb: Don't fake it but don't fight it.

Men don't like waiting too long to have sex with a new partner. Unlike some dating experts, Weinberg believes that women should never hold out to have sex simply because of the so-called rules of dating. He is more likely to commit if there is a sexual component to the relationship, and it is important for him to know that you find him sexually desirable. "A man goes through a lifetime hoping to find a woman who can't keep her hands off him," says Weinberg.
Warning: "Frankly, if your guy is offended when you initiate sex, get rid of him," he says.
What you can do: We're all sensual beings; we might as well be who we are. So don't be afraid to make a move when the mood strikes.

4. Men wish they had better bodies too. Let's face it: Men may not worry about weight nearly as much as women do, but they do have their own image issues.
Warning: Most men are quite concerned about their penis size, general physical condition, height and baldness, says Weinberg. In other words, they are hoping for mood lighting in the bedroom just as much as women are.
What you can do: Help your man by telling him that you find him attractive and showing him affection.

5. Most men will not forgive a cheating girlfriend. Men who have been betrayed, especially in the bedroom, are far less likely to forgive their partners than women in the same situation, says Weinberg.
Warning: Men are looking for a woman who will stick with them.
What you can do: Show your loyalty not only by remaining faithful when in a committed relationship, but also by supporting your man in front of colleagues and friends and defending him when necessary, says Weinberg. This allegiance will make your man more secure and will give him the motivation to let loose in the bedroom with you. Men want commitment just as much as women do; they just want it packaged differently.

10 Things That Make Men Happy

2008-07-10T06:45:00.003+08:00

If men and women are truly equal, then men must stop bending over backwards in the pursuit of making women happy, right men? Relationships are increasingly full-fledged partnerships after all, so why should we be the only ones trying to make women happy?

We want to be happy and boys just want to have fun as well, so here are 10 things that men look for in the pursuit of happiness and Ms. Perfect. Read the list and answer the question that all men deliberate: do we prefer a pretty face or a beautiful body?

10. Charm

Remember that Seinfeld episode when Jerry went out with that stunning blonde babe who got him out of every bad situation (speeding ticket, etc.)? Well, maybe this occurred because she was a babe, but I think she had such power because she was charming. If a woman can make you smile, then she has the charm to get out of any situation and will prove to become quite an ally.

Charm is what draws men to those women who are not as good-looking as the others in our black book. Charm is what pulls us back to women even after they burn us. Charm is the one thing that lets women get away with murder ‑- okay, charm and the next thing on the list.

9. A statuesque body

We may not admit this to them, but when we're walking down the street with our women, we want to show them off. Show off what? Their crazy curves and full figure.

As Doc Love puts it: you need to pass a physical to be the best you can be (i.e. join the army), and Lord knows that women make us pass their own physical exams, so why should we be any different or make any excuse about it?

8. A beautiful face

This one will stand the test of time. A pretty face can get away with murder. While this should not be the top characteristic, it is helpful to admit that you must find a woman who will please your eyes and excite your everything else.

Remember, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, unless of course you are a magician named David. So do not choose someone based on what your friends say, go with whom you want to wake up with. We like beautiful things and we shall make no apologies for this.

7. Honesty & trust

When the games are played, final rounds called and booty calls over, we want someone we can confide in. The most successful relationships are built upon trust, candor and honesty; anything else is equivalent to building a house on quicksand. Sadly, you only know who is swimming naked when the tide goes down, so be honest with your woman (but do not tell her anything she neither needs or cares to know) if you want her to be honest with you.

Receiving a pat on the back when we do things right is nice, but it's even nicer to be told when we're wrong, provided of course that we are not made to feel like crap, which takes us to the next point...

6. R-E-S-P-E-C-T

The last thing we want is a woman who lets us down, embarrasses us and makes us out to be fools, especially in public. Gentlemen, there is nothing wrong with admitting that we are excessively proud and sensitive to criticism, but if done right, constructive criticism from the one person who knows us best can only make us better men, fathers, lovers, brothers and human beings.

Why do I say this? Next time your woman tells you something, do not cut her off and put her in her place; listen, pay attention and remember: actions, not words, are what matter. True, we may not have Tammy Wynette standing by us in a state of oblivion, but respect in a partnership is about praise as well criticism, not shutting up and telling it like it is. It helps when it is done with humor (well, not at our expense).

5. Sense of humor

This will forever remain a priority for any man. We work hard, we put up with a lot, and we need a woman who will put a smile on our faces when things are gloomy, and make us laugh when things are down. Now guys, I have been curious as to whether we like it when women make us laugh or when we make them laugh. Being able to make them laugh is good for our egos, but getting a smile on our faces is the best tonic possible.

Women always rank a sense of humor as the trait they like most in us. A woman who finds it challenging to smile and be pleasant will be a thorn in your side until the day you die, and trust me, your judgment day will come before hers.

4. Intelligence & confidence

Previous generations probably preferred a smart woman ‑- not just book smart, but also street smart. But truth be told ‑- and this will not please feminists (but then again, who cares?) ‑- many men did not want an overly smart woman, after all, it would be too hard to tame and control her. After all, men feared that women could become unstable and make demands (oh no...)

Today, I like to think that we have matured a bit and now see the value in having a valuable ally as a partner. If a housewife, mother and maid is all that you are looking for, you are selling yourself short men, so go out and find someone who will learn from you as much as you will learn from her; imagine the powerhouse couple that you will make.

3. Ambition & drive

If a partner is what you seek, then you will have to find a woman who will challenge your thoughts, stir up your emotions positively and give you a run for your money. Challenges start at home and end on fields, boardrooms and life, so make sure that you meet your match, because practice does make you perfect.

A woman that is too strong-willed will also be too stubborn, and this is just plain frustrating, but one that chooses her battles diplomatically will prove to come out a winner in the game of life. Would you not want her on your team?

2. Heart of gold

Most women are selfish on good days and plain malicious on bad ones, so why any man would let himself get tempted (well, we know why) by someone who has bad intentions beats me. So many men e-mail us, telling us how badly they are being treated, yet they are helpless in doing something about it, and worse, they keep going back... why guys, why?

If you are looking to get involved for the long haul, a kind woman with a heart of gold will nurture you and offer the compassion, sincerity, warmth, and affection you need to make it to the top. Just make sure you are able to reciprocate the kindness, because someone ultimately will and then she'll run for the hills.

1. Love

Although there are different things that make us happy ‑- some of them may not have been on the list but should have been, while others are but should not have been ‑- when all is said and done and the ink has dried up, the first dates turn into the honeymoon stage, and the relationship develops, all men really want is love.

10 ways to know you have a crush

2008-02-20T11:10:00.001+09:00

Whether you are ten or eighty years old and whether you are in a committed relationship or not, you are never safe from a healthy crush. Having a crush on somebody is just another way of saying that you like somebody a little more than the average Joe. Most people will admit to having crushes on a famous athlete or a gorgeous celebrity, but sometimes we start to have crushes on people who are around us every day. Aside from writing your name and your crush’s name encircled in a big heart over and over again, what are some ways to know that you are crushing on somebody?

1) You go out of your way to see or hang out with that person. Maybe you have a crush on that cute waitress at the coffee shop and you go out of your way about fifteen miles everyday just to have coffee at that specific location despite the fact that there is another similar coffee shop minutes away from your front door. It is safe to say you have a crush. Naturally, when you start to like somebody, you want to see them all of the time for that happy feeling you get when you’re around them.

2) You are starting to worry more about your appearance. Yesterday your idea of a “going out” outfit was your sweat pants with the hole on the knee and your pizza-stained t-shirt. Now, you are actually starting to iron your slacks and wear your dressy shoes just to go to your 8 o’clock Biology class. When you have a crush on somebody, you want those feeling to be reciprocated, so you start trying to put your best foot forward.

3) When writing a list of positives and negatives about that person, the positives win...by a landslide. When you have a crush on somebody, you will be seeing that person with rose-colored glasses, so pretty much anything they do (even if it is the way they burp the alphabet) seems exciting and cute.

4) You find yourself being clumsy or awkward around them. Before you started having a crush on the goalie of your soccer team, you were the star player. Now, you’re lucky if you don’t trip over the ball or your shoelace when you are in practice. This is due to the fact that you are now becoming completely aware of every move you make and how it might look to your crush so you start second-guessing yourself at every turn.

5) You find yourself getting tunnel vision. By this, I do not mean you are literally getting tunnel vision, but you find it hard to focus on anything but this person when you are around others. Maybe you are having a conversation with your friends while your crush is skateboarding with his friends nearby. You have no idea what your best friend was telling you because you have been staring at your crush out of the corner of your eye wondering if he looked over at you while you were talking.

6) They are not around and you find yourself smiling. Ever been sitting in class and you find yourself smiling because you remember something your crush said or did the day before. When you have a crush on somebody, they are constantly on your mind, distracting you from anything else.

7) You start asking his friends about him. When you like somebody, you want to know everything you can about that person, so, without noticing it, you may have started being a little more inquisitive about things he likes or dislikes.

8) Your friends are getting sick of you talking about her. She is not even around and all you can do is talk about that funny thing she said the day before or the fact that she just got a new puppy. When your friends’ eyes start rolling, chances are, you have a major crush.

9) For some reason, you can not stop teasing this person. Remember in kindergarten how you would hit the girl you like with your pencil to get her attention? Or in middle school when you snapped the bra of the prettiest girl in class to make her laugh? That teasing thing doesn’t end there. When we have a crush on somebody, we resort to teasing and playing.

10) You hate going to your Physics class but lately you don’t seem to mind. In fact, you actually get a little happy or anxious to go because you want to see your crush who sits two rows away from you. Having a crush can definitely give you that giddy sensation.

How to Heal after Infidelity: 2 Strategies That Could Save Your Marriage

2008-02-18T02:58:00.004+09:00

by by Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D.
When adultery shatters their relationship, both partners lose something. The betrayed feel as if they will never be able to trust or love wholeheartedly again. The betrayers feel they will never again find such flawless, undemanding love.

Both sides must mourn these losses before they can change and move on. Like any grief, the sorrow for a dead relationship goes through stages: denial, anger, guilt and acceptance. All stages must be experienced before couples can find forgiveness and rebirth. The process requires great courage, determination and stamina nor--nobr but the reward is lasting Real-Life-Love. You cannot ignore or obliterate these feelings. You cannot forgive and reform your life while you are ruled by resentment, bitterness and hurt. You can't deny your emptiness, although a sad number of people try to do so.

What the Deceived Must Do to Heal
Allow yourself to grieve for your old untarnished relationship.

What the Betrayer Must Do to Heal
First of all, you must renounce the adulterous affair in order to rebuild the marriage. No change in the relationship can occur as long as one partner keeps running to an escape hatch.

What the Deceived Must Do

Allow yourself to regret the end of your old untarnished relationship.
Do not, however, dwell in the past, sighing about how wonderful things used to be. Obviously, matters were not perfect, or no affair would have taken place!
Acknowledge both the good and bad aspects of the marriage and your contribution to each.
Understand that your spouse is hurting too. It can be extraordinarily hard to abandon an affair. At the very least, your mate will miss the excitement and the uncomplicated passion and enjoyment -- the feel-good, chocolate-cake aspects of extramarital love. What's more, an unfaithful partner will feel guilt and sorrow for the pain inflicted on the spurned lover.

In most cases a straying partner will feel agonizingly torn by love for both of you. When he protects the lover, he is really protecting a disowned part of himself. He perceives this as a last chance to redo his childhood, and that's why severing this relationship may indeed feel like losing an arm or a leg.

I am not suggesting the betrayed excuse the affair -- just that they work to understand what caused it so that they may progress toward forgiveness and rebirth.

To revitalize the relationship, both parties must look back at their family patterns and forward to a new kind of loving. If you have always been a pursuer, for example, you will have to learn to distance yourself to recapture a runaway -- as my parents and many of my patients did. Remember, there are aspects of a runaway hidden in you too. If you pull back, you will be amazed to find the adulterer pursuing you.

As the betrayed party must walk a thin line and be willing to show your partner the door, but not shut it in his face. Be firm about the need to give up the lover, but make sure he knows how much you love him. He needs to see that you are wiling to work and to fight for the marriage and that you believe you will succeed. Deep down, he is terrified to choose the other, whom he doesn't know that well, and lose you forever.

Since you are not focusing on the adulterer, you will be lonely -- reconnecting with your family of origin is a must and will help compensate for your pain.

What the Betrayer Must Do

First of all, you must renounce the adulterous affair in order to rebuild the marriage. No change in the relationship can occur as long as one partner keeps running to an escape hatch.
Let yourself feel your loss. Holding onto the promise of a perfect, utopian union will intensify your feelings of emptiness and anxiety.
Face the damage you have done to the trust of not only your mate, but your children, parents, siblings and friends.
You must mourn both your dead romance and your battered relationship, and grieve over the childhood wounds that led you into this mess.

This is difficult depressing work, yet the adulterous partner must recognize the pain and uncertainty that has been inflicted and take responsibility. It is certainly cheaper and less painful than divorce, in any case -- and you're never really divorced when children are involved.

The Art of Forgiveness

2008-02-18T02:54:00.002+09:00

by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

Recovering from any kind of betrayal is never easy. When it comes to forgiving her husband for his affair, iVillager J wonders: "Am I letting him get off too easy? Should I be making him suffer more? I'm very torn about where mercy and being a doormat differ." And she's certainly not alone. No matter what the issue once was, forgiveness is always a difficult -- but real -- part of relationships. And knowing where to start is often the hardest part.

Many people think that they must just let go of the past to move on. Along with causing grief and trepidation, that approach limits personal growth. Plus, memories and traces of the past are always with us -- for some as wounds, for others as treasures. But, when we try to block out the past from our lives, it resurfaces at the oddest times: Old patterns return as unfinished lessons yet to be learned.

Rather than hate a period of our life, the person we "used to be" or people we've met along the way, learn to find the way each experience helped us become strong. When we take this approach our entire life opens up and we begin to build bridges naturally. Then, each person we meet -- whether we like them or not -- becomes another bridge, a new way to deepen the love and understanding we become capable of.

The most important bridges are the ones that allow us to forgive another, to make peace with the pain we've suffered, and to allow resentment and judgment to subside. How can we forgive?

Find a new way to understand what happened and take responsibility for our part.

Understand that each person gave us what they could at that time.
Recognize that our expectations and demands of them are what cause our present pain.
Give up judging, rejecting or criticizing others: Stop labeling people as good or bad.
Take a critical look our own expectations and realize that we can never hope to have them all met by one person or another.

When our own loving hearts are fully developed, we can fulfill our own expectations and whatever else we are yearning for. Only after we've forgiven are we free to let new people and experiences into our world. Only then are we free to truly live in the present.

10 Questions to Ask Your Unfaithful Spouse

2008-02-18T02:46:00.002+09:00

by Shirley P. Glass, Ph.D., with Jean Coppock Staeheli
Excerpted from NOT "Just Friends"

After infidelity has entered a marriage, questions about specific details are frequently an entryway into a deeper story. For example, questions about what gifts or cards were exchanged are really probing for how invested the unfaithful partner was in the affair

--emotionally and financially. One unfaithful wife and her affair partner made cassette tapes for each other with special love songs. Although it was extremely painful for the betrayed husband to listen to the romantic words of the songs, it helped him realize why it was so hard for his wife to let go of the affair. He was also shaken by what he had neglected. Ultimately, he was inspired to bring more romance back into their marriage.

The following 10 questions will guide your exploration of the circumstances of the infidelity and the meaning behind it. Some of them are questions I use in my clinical practice to bring a slightly different perspective on the underlying motivations. Discussing them will give you the raw material from which to co-construct your story.

1. What did you say to yourself that gave you permission to get involved?

There are all kinds of reasons for not stepping over the line that would normally stop you from entering a forbidden territory. Vulnerabilities and values will be revealed by the thoughts and actions that came up as you crossed thresholds into the extramarital relationship. Most likely, discussing these questions will uncover the magnetism of the relationship, the sense of curiosity, or the belief that nothing bad would come of it. One of the most revealing thoughts is whether the unfaithful partner considered the consequences of getting involved or only of getting caught.

For example, how did Ralph (who was married to Rachel) decide to go ahead with that secret lunch date he had with Lara? What was he anticipating? It's important to understand how a platonic friendship can shift into an affair. When people confide to opposite-sex friends about problems in their marriage, they are revealing a weak spot and signaling their availability at the same time. Although women share deep feelings with lots of people, particularly other women, men are usually most comfortable sharing their feelings in a love relationship. As a result, when a relationship becomes emotionally intimate, men tend to sexualize it.Through discussions with his wife, Lisa, Les figured out how he let himself be drawn into an affair with Fiona, a new colleague at work. He recognized that it started off with his compassion for Fiona's situation. He was moved by her tale of a distressed marriage, a disabled child, and a terminally ill father who lived with her.

Les admitted that he was flattered by Fiona's idealizing him when she compared him to her insensitive husband. He pictured himself as her protector rescuing her from her troubled life. One freezing Sunday, when he got a call from Fiona asking him to drive over and give her dead battery a charge he did share it with Lisa. Later, he and Lisa agreed that when he stopped talking about Fiona at home and started keeping his weekend phone calls secret, the friendship had shifted into an emotional affair. Sexual intimacy developed as Les became convinced that he was "in love" with Fiona, and he began to detach emotionally and sexually from the marriage.

Fiona had grown up in a working-class family without luxuries. She was thrilled when Les took her out to a simple lunch at a restaurant that had table service. In contrast, when Les and Lisa went to five-star restaurants, they took it for granted as part of their lifestyle. Les felt gratified that he could add a little joy to Fiona's troubled life.

Because Les and Lisa talked about how he felt sorry for Fiona, it became clear to both of them that he was vulnerable to rescuing maidens in distress. He vowed that in the future, he would erect distinct boundaries with unhappy, attractive women who touched his kind heart. When involved partners share their feelings on this level, they are letting their betrayed spouse inside their mind and re-forging their bond. They not only are discussing what occurred, but together they are gaining insight into the underlying dynamics.

2. After the first time you had sex, did you feel guilty?

Asking about guilt reveals the internalized values of the unfaithful partner. Some people never feel any guilt about getting involved. People who anticipate guilty feelings before they act are more inclined to avoid dangerous crossings. Others feel guilty after they act, although guilt after the transgression doesn't necessarily keep them from repeating their "sin."

Some people feel so disgusted with themselves after their first extramarital sex that they get together again with the affair partner as soon as possible: another dose of the aphrodisiac offers them a temporary escape from their self-loathing. Some get rid of their guilt and continue the affair by rationalizing that nobody is getting hurt because they are "not taking anything away" from their spouse or family. Others transform guilty feelings by taking responsibility and terminating their extramarital behaviors long before they are discovered.How could it go on so long if you knew it was wrong?

Affairs are both messy and glamorous. The forbidden, unstable nature of secret affairs keeps passion flowing years beyond what's common in a stable relationship. Unfaithful spouses often appear to be addicted to their lovers. They fail in their efforts to end the affair time and time again, pulled back by a magnetic force they can't seem to resist. Only with great determination are they able to break the spell.

Comprehending what started an affair is different from comprehending what kept it going. It may have started out of a shared interest or sexual attraction but continued because of a deepening emotional attachment. Or it may have started as an emotional affair and continued because the sex was so great. Or it may have started because the marriage was in a slump but continued because it assumed a life of its own long after the marriage improved.

It is as important to understand how the affair ended as it is to understand what sustained it. The ramifications of an affair that was ended by the unfaithful spouse before disclosure are very different from an affair that was ended either by the affair partner or by the ultimatums of the betrayed partner. If the affair ended abruptly, the attachment will be harder to break than if the affair died a natural death. It's easier to put a relationship behind you if you're the one who made the decision to leave.

4. Did you think about me at all?

If the unfaithful partner had been thinking about the betrayed partner, he or she wouldn't have gotten so involved in the first place. The act of infidelity is not about the person who was betrayed

--it is about the person who did the betraying. Betrayed spouses often see themselves as a central character in a spouse's affair and believe that every step was taken with them in mind. "How could you do this to me?" they ask. The reality is that the involved spouse probably didn't consider his or her partner much at all. Simply put, unfaithful partners seldom anticipate the tragic consequences or the pain they inflict.will probably be hurtful for betrayed partners to learn that although unfaithful spouses have difficulty suppressing thoughts of their lovers at home, they are unlikely to think about their spouses while they are in their love nests. Intrusive thoughts of lovers flow from necessity of maintaining secrets, but it takes little energy to suppress thoughts of socially sanctioned marriages.

5. What did you share about us?

This question addresses the issues of loyalty to the marriage and the nature of emotional intimacy in the affair. The betrayed partner has an understandable interest in knowing how much of a window the affair partner had into the marriage. The betrayed partner might also want to know how he or she and the marriage were portrayed.

Some unfaithful partners give positive accounts of their marriages and glowing descriptions of their spouses, to the bewilderment and chagrin of their affair partners. Others describe their spouses as cold or distant. It's hard to know whether this is an attempt to deceive by making the marriage look bad or whether it is a misguided unburdening of real marital woes. In any case, if you are the unfaithful partner, it's important for you to talk to your spouse about real problems in the marriage that you've discussed only with your affair partner. The next chapter will help you both review the story of your marriage and address these problems together.

In the event that the marriage was shielded and the betrayed spouse was never discussed, why were these topics not discussed with the affair partner? Some unfaithful partners try to keep their double lives completely separate by compartmentalizing. They may delude themselves into thinking that they are honoring their marriage by shielding it from the scrutiny of the person they are cheating with.Did you talk about love or about a future together?

Talking about love is likely to bring to the surface errors of assumed similarity. The betrayed partner might insist that love and marriage were part of the picture and won't believe otherwise. If the involved partner does confess to being in love, this admission can make sense of events in a way that rote denials never could. It would explain why the affair went on so long and why it took so long to recover from the loss.

If you are the involved partner, however, you should not fabricate a story of unrequited love just to satisfy your partner's misguided projections. Be honest about whatever romantic declarations or talk of the future did occur. Otherwise, your betrayed partner may fill in the blanks with scenarios that are far more painful than the actual truth. Admit it if you ever shared dreams of "riding off into the sunset" together or said "I love you" in the heat of passion. I have seen it backfire when betrayed partners found incriminating love letters or e-mails after involved partners denied exchanging words of love or dreams of the future.

If you are the betrayed partner, make a strong effort to hear the story without filtering it through your own subjective lens. Infidelity does occur without falling in love. You must be open to versions that vary from your belief system unless you have valid evidence that you are getting a watered-down rendition.

7. What did you see in the affair partner?

The betrayed partner will already have a portrait of the affair partner, but it is almost never the whole picture. Betrayed spouses are prone to place all the blame on the affair partner, preferring to believe that their gullible spouse was manipulated and seduced. They may not be willing to accept that the person to whom they're married took an active role, and therefore displace a lot of the anger and rage onto the affair partner. Involved partners must recount the ways they encouraged the affair and invested energy to keep it going. It is less likely that an infidelity will happen again when the involved partner owns up to having been a full participant.

Al and Amber quarreled about their divergent perceptions of his affair partner, Zelda, who worked for him. Amber regarded Zelda as "a bitch and a manipulative slut who was out to get Al's money." In reaction, Al glorified Zelda's competence and loyalty. But the more Al talked about Zelda, the more he realized that he could never have maintained a long-term relationship with her because of her mood swings. Amber, on the other hand, grew to understand that Zelda's constant praise and high energy appealed to Al. Finally, they arrived at a combined picture of Zelda as a hard-working woman with a charged personality who used flattery to get what she wanted.Betrayed partners vacillate between glorifying the lover as an incomparable rival and disparaging him or her as a despicable human being. Questions about physical appearance, personality, and intellect are attempts to see whether they measure up to their rival in sex appeal and achievement. These questions aren't helpful, as they seldom reveal the lure of the affair partners looking rather ordinary. The appeal of the affair is frequently in the positive mirroring or the sounding board it provides, rather than in the lover's charisma.

8. What did you like about yourself in the affair? How were you different?

Instead of focusing on what the affair partner was like, it is more productive to focus on what the unfaithful partner was like in the extramarital relationship. New relationships allow people to be different: more assertive, more frivolous, or more giving. A strong attraction of affairs is the opportunity to try on new roles: the insensitive, detached husband becomes energized by his own empathy and devotion; the sexually uninterested wife is exhilarated by newfound passion and erotic fantasies. In long-term relationships, the potential to develop a different persona is constricted by familiarity. For example, a man who is a powerful CEO in a large corporation is regarded and teased in his family of origin as "the baby."

A good question for the involved partner is: "What did you experience about yourself in the affair that you would like to experience in the marriage?" Perhaps the marriage can begin to foster these positive aspects of the self. In fact, the betrayed partner may find it hurtful that the involved partner enjoyed them first with somebody else.

9. Were there previous infidelities or opportunities, and how was this time similar or different?

This is an opportunity to examine any patterns of infidelity or near misses that may be relevant to how this affair unfolded. Discuss how you or your partner handled previous temptations, even if no lines were crossed. Explore past experiences of slippery slopes and blurred boundaries. If this is not the first incident, ask how this infidelity is different from or the same as the others. Were there earlier experiences that were "only oral sex" or "sex without love" or "love without sex"?Partners who were too accepting of an earlier infidelity can mislead their spouses into thinking it's no big deal to be discovered. One unfaithful husband told me that his affair had been worth it. It had taken him only two weeks to pay for something that had felt good for six months.

Not every couple takes the time or has the guidance and support to work through betrayals that have occurred before. Although you might prefer to move ahead without dredging up all that old, miserable stuff, past affairs that are not dealt with will continue to contaminate your relationship.

10. Did you have unprotected sex?

Sad to say, this is one of those questions that you must ask. Ignoring the risk of disease or pregnancy is a thoughtless act. Some unfaithful partners give an adolescent rationale: "We were swept away by love and didn't want it to look like it was preplanned." Although relying on birth control pills or diaphragms may protect from unwanted pregnancies, those methods still expose the participants to sexually transmitted diseases. Few people regard their affair partners as a possible source of infection, so they don't take the necessary precautions to have safe sex.

Unprotected sex is a painful reminder of how inconsiderate and reckless the unfaithful partner may have been during the affair. Regardless of protestations, both spouses should be tested for AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases. Willingness to submit to these humbling medical exams and tests is an act of consideration and accountability by the involved partner that will remove another obstacle to resuming safe marital sex.

4 Other Falsehoods about Adultery

2008-02-18T02:39:00.005+09:00

by by Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph. D.

Heart attacks are not always fatal

-- and neither is adultery. Cardiac patients can survive and even thrive, once they find a healthier way of living. After an affair, a couple can do the same by finding a healthier way of loving.

I know how wrenching adultery can be, because I watched it nearly tear apart my own family. I also know from my own experience, both personal and professional, that adultery can be a forgivable sin. Fidelity is not a guarantee that love persists, nor is infidelity a sign that love has faded or died. In fact, adultery can even be a way -- albeit dysfunctional -- to try and stabilize a floundering relationship.

Why is adultery so frightening and yet so fascinating? In part because we recognize the appeal of it. We grew up in triangles, competing for our mother's attentions with our father and our siblings, and vice versa. That taught us, deep inside, to be terrified of abandonment and to resent sharing. We never quite give up on the childish fantasy that somehow, someday, we'll find someone all our own who only wants us. This is the destructive fantasy that keeps us looking for love in all the wrong places.

Despite our familiarity with adultery, we still don't understand it very well. It's time we stopped alternatively ignoring, excusing and condemning this epidemic. To deal with a problem, you've got to comprehend it first. Let's start by correcting some dangerous misconceptions that have taken root in the conventional wisdom.

Adultery is about sex.

Adultery does not necessarily sweep lovers along on a floodtide of passion. In most couples, the wandering spouse is trying to stave off an empty feeling left by childhood hurts and frustrations

-- especially if he or she is the adult child of an adulterer.

Frequently, the sex is better at home and the marriage partner is at least as good-looking. When I conducted a random survey of a hundred Americans, for example, only one of those who admitted to having affairs gave "poor sexual relationship" as the reason. More often, the attraction was emotional rather than physical.

Any activity or relationship that drains too much time and energy from life with your partner is a form of unfaithfulness. That may include workaholism, obsession with children, sports or gambling addiction, as well as emotional liaisons.

Adultery is about character.

I'm not saying that a penchant for adultery can be passed along genetically in the same way

-- but there is mounting evidence, noted in my practice as well as that of others that there is an emotional dynamic in adulterous behavior that is transferred to the children.

Youngsters can sense that something is wrong even at a very tender age -- children as young as two years old have stunned their parents by babbling about Mommy or Daddy leaving. They may base these intuitions on seen behavior or overheard words, as I did. Years later, these adult children of adulterers will act out their legacy without even knowing it, through their own or their partners' philandering or other dysfunctional behavior.

Adultery is therapeutic.

There's an alarming tendency among some therapists to suggest that infidelity can stabilize a marriage. Some adulterers, meanwhile, contend that extracurricular sex will teach participants how to be better lovers, to everyone's joy.

That's a theory fondly embraced by those who seek a rationale for their wanderings, of course. But the notion that infidelity can enrich a relationship would be laughable if it were not so destructive. It's a lot like the man who kept bashing himself on the head with a hammer because it felt so good when he stopped.

Yes, you may work your way through an affair to find, after it's over, your marriage is stronger -- but it requires incredible honesty and dedication, and it's painful.

Adultery is harmless.

Yes, extra-curricular sex is a pleasure -- one of the reasons betrayers have such a hard time giving up their lovers is that it feels good and it's flattering to have someone around who always puts you first, someone you don't have to nurse through the flu or argue with about the mortgage. Forbidden sex can seem to be nothing more than a delicious indulgence, like chocolate cake.

In truth, this "simple pleasure" is more comparable to cocaine than chocolate -- addictive and potentially lethal. Everyone in a family suffers from an affair -- particularly the children.

We can understand the reasons for having affairs without excusing them. The damage that they do can take generations to undo; infidelity masks the real problems in the individual and the relationship.

Adultery has to end in divorce. Even if you never forget, you can learn to forgive. Ninety-eight percent of my patients are able to renew their marriages, after they dedicate themselves to forgiveness exercises and adopt a new attitude about their marriages.

If you can come to recognize the real motivations for adultery and learn the skills to deal with the underlying problems, you will get through the trauma.

6 NO-NO Boundary Relationships

2008-02-13T02:29:00.000+09:00

Certain ladies shouldn't be touched with a 10-foot pole, no matter how hot they are. Instead of giving in to temptation, distract yourself from the desire. Take a class, help kids or take in a ballgame, but whatever you do, stay away from these women you can never date. Generally, the reason to avoid these ladies has nothing to do with the woman herself, but it has everything to do with her context in your life.

Read on for a complete list of women you can never date, and save your reputation, your bank account, your job, and your friendships.

1. Your Best Friend's Sister
The woman you know the best will often appeal to you the most. But if she is your best friend's sister, getting lucky can mean two months of fun followed by the need to move to another part of the city. She makes the “women you can never date” list because as soon as sis becomes sweetheart, you'll be walking on eggshells with your buddy. Gone are the days of complaining to your friend about your women troubles because the conflict of interest ruins the good times, and the first time you make a mess of things, he will likely want to beat your behind.

2. Your Secretary
There are plenty of reasons to keep your mitts off the help. It can get you into all kinds of trouble. But even if the fling goes well, you have problems. You'll soon be tempted to push the limits of what you can get away with at work, perhaps in the janitor's closet. Love at the office is an enormous distraction from your work, especially if you are in charge of her. Others are always watching what you are doing. Worst of all, once the relationship ends, she will enjoy leverage over you, and may use it simply by gossiping about what happened in the aforementioned closet.

3. The Ex-Girlfriend
You've heard it before: Ex-girlfriends are women you can never date. Yet, the ex-girlfriend becomes increasingly seductive as loneliness sets in. After several years of eating the only three meals you know how to prepare, you can easily get blown away when she follows up chicken parmesan one night with chicken marsala the next. She might clean your apartment one day while you were getting loaded at happy hour, and you'll want her there permanently. The loneliness will make you forget the reason the two of you broke up in the first place, but should you jump back into the relationship, those reasons will resurface in no time.

4. Your Friend's Ex
When you witness the breakup of your buddy and his hot girlfriend, your mind will invariably wander to a place better left untouched. Since you've spent lots of time around her, you already have an established relationship—albeit a non-sexual one. Chances are you already imagined what it would be like while she was still dating your pal, and her new freedom may pique your interest, but be forewarned: She is a woman you can never date. If you value your friendship, avoid her at all costs. What men forget to consider is the aftermath of hooking up with a friend's ex. The word will spread to everyone else in your circle about what type of friend you are, and you'll kill your own reputation. It doesn't matter how long ago they broke up, whether they're friends now or not, if your buddy's replaced her with a new girlfriend, the answer is always no. Unless, of course, you enjoy getting your ass kicked.

5. The High-Maintenance Woman
If you value your money and your manhood, the high-maintenance chick is one of the many types of women you can never date. She will love you for your increased earnings at first, but then will consider you to be a soulless workaholic incapable of intimacy. Once you've built up a nest egg, her divorced friends will start directing her on how to devour that nest egg whole, just like a snake. She will give you the screw of a lifetime, but not the kind you're seeking.

6. The Stripper
Of the women you can never date, the stripper is the worst. No, she is not stripping to pay for school. Yes, she might be a hard-luck case, but sooner or later you will be acting like a body guard, thinking you can protect her honor from a rowdy bachelor party. If you think jealousy is beneath you, wait until you observe a private dance from afar when the john offers an extra C-note for a happy ending.

In a player's game : Reasons to Keep It Casual

2008-02-13T02:14:00.000+09:00

Timing is essential, in all walks of life. While you're probably well aware of the obvious as it pertains to relationships and picking up women (communication and observation skills, adaptation to different situations, etc.), you may not think about timing very often, which is a crucial mistake. Some will say you simply follow the flirting flow; trace the grain through a series of events—good and bad—without falling out of the groove. However, this can lead to long-term commitments, so a Player must constantly control the direction of any encounter to insure any new romantic relationship remains entirely temporary from start to finish.

This requires more hands-on performance and a good deal of careful attention, even though it sounds suspiciously like work. If you don't want to be staring down the end of a double-barreled shotgun cleverly disguised as a marriage certificate, you had better take the necessary steps and precautions. In other words, you can keep things casual without accidentally sliding into a relationship where she begins to have "expectations."

If you think you've got what it takes and can successfully manage the Player lifestyle, heed the tips below. Just remember: If you shift your attention away from a new relationship, even for a split second, you could suddenly find yourself treading water in the midst of a vast ocean…with no hope of rescue. So I'll help you keep your footing on nice, comfortable Player Land; it's like Never Never Land, but for adults.

No bad feelings

Breakups are hard, and while it's certainly up for debate, some will claim they're even tougher on women. Nobody wants to suffer through a nasty split, especially when it blows up and turns two people into snarling, hateful animals. But hey, if you hadn't noticed, casual sex-only flings never end up this way; you may breakup, but you do so with a wan "oh well" grin rather than a "God, I hate you" glare. Therefore, in order to spare both of you the possibility of an experience no human wants to deal with, you place it squarely on the table. This is a subject that can be broached at just about any time in an early relationship (provided it hasn't already advanced, of course), and it's a relatively safe discussion topic. While it may sound a bit cowardly, she'll also view your stance as one of compassion. And if she doesn't—if she's upset by the theory and calls you out for being "unable to commit"—then you know it's time to leave anyway.

In the end, trying this tactic can not only define the boundaries of your relationship, it can also reveal her true intentions, which would allow you to act accordingly. If you're both on the same page, great. If not…

Bed buddies have all the fun

As you move forward with any new and ultra-delicious partner, it's best to keep the focus on the no-strings-attached fun, and don't ever do anything that might hint at the possibility of something more. Meeting up for an evening shouldn't translate to a romantic dinner and dancing; it should remain firmly cemented in hitting the clubs, maybe catching a movie (it can't be a chick flick) and back to your place for yet another hot, silk-encased encounter. Gifts aren't completely out of the question, but we're talking about lingerie, not flowers and jewelry. Provided you maintain this style and pace throughout your adventures, any woman will get the picture very quickly, which works in your favor. Essentially, you're conveying your desire and intentions with your actions, and this doesn't require any sort of conversation or discussion. If it's not what she wants, she'll take off. Simple.

Simplicity is what you're shooting for; it gets you up in the morning and it lets you face a brand new day with a vigor and confidence most men never acquire. It's all the easier to attain these feelings of power when a sleek vixen wakes up next to you, purrs contentedly and never once considers anything long-term. When you're both eyeing the same goal, everybody wins.

You're not the relationship type

Every time you take a chance and get involved in a long-term relationship, things always go sour, and you're just plain sick of it. No, that's not true, but that's what you'll tell her. She'll view your statement as honest and forthright, and just like in the first tip, you're thinking of her feelings and emotions.

Step right up on the first night (preferably) and say something like, "I'm just terrible at relationships; it's probably best to keep things simple." But you have to realize you're taking a few risks: First, she may interpret this as meaning you're not interested in seeing her again for a late-night sex romp (which can be avoided if you wait to discuss it at a later date), and second, you may begin to gain a certain reputation amongst the female community. But on the other hand, maybe that's a beneficial slip; you'll be attracting just the right kind of woman. Eventually, provided you continue to frequent certain hot spots, you won't have to explain so often, and the appropriate woman will drop right into your lap. Literally.

However, you can't play this card too often. At some point, it'll start sounding like just another lame excuse…which is why there is more than one tip in this article.

It's a way to stay distant

"No strings attached" often hints at emotional strings, which are generally the strongest and most inconvenient for any would-be Player. This being the case, it's best to avoid slipping into full-on intimacy by steering clear of subjects that would define your life and personality. If she truly gets to know you, and begins to fall for that person, you're in for a whole heaping mound of trouble. But one of the best ways to entice women is to embrace the persona of the classic "mysterious, brooding" character, because this will send the very clear message that you nave no interest in opening the door into your life. This isn't the guy who blathers on about his life story, career, or family and friends; this is the guy who loves to have fun but doesn't volunteer much of anything about himself. Some women hate this—and they're typically the ones you want to avoid anyway— but others find this "distant and removed" persona sexy as all hell. Yes, the appeal may wear off eventually, but doesn't that actually help your cause?

Darn right it does.

You're on the rebound

You've never been on the rebound once in your life, but she doesn't need to know that. If you offer this as a potential reason to stay away from the possibility of a monogamous relationship, there isn't much she can do to change the established direction. She understands you're not an emotional wreck but she also realizes you're not ready to enter into anything serious. You'd rather not talk about the past, and while this new encounter has nothing to do with revenge, it's good to get out and have a bit of fun. Everybody has a meaningless little fling immediately after separating from a long-time partner, but as an effective Player, you're permanently entrenched in this mode of freedom-based entertainment. Hey, it's the path to non-stop sumptuous variety, right? Variety is the spice of life, and if you want to develop and maintain your Player status, experimentation and multiple partners are core requirements.

As outlined in the "you're not the relationship type" hint, you can't just stick to one style and claim to be a successful pickup artist. When interacting with the fairer sex, you have to realize that women tend to talk, and if you start using the same tactic all the time, you'll be running on fumes before you know it.

Because you have a fear of commitment

Let's face it: You're not looking to keep things simple only because you're morally opposed to the concept of marriage. You want to sleep with more than one hot woman, and you want to do it on a frequent basis. Commitment is a word that should never be uttered in the presence of a Player because it's like kryptonite; it makes us keel over in pain, our hands clasped to our chests as we cringe in agony. A touch melodramatic, yes, but the very idea of limiting ourselves to one female leaves a bad taste in our mouths. Therefore, you shouldn't commit to anything; embrace the theory to its fullest. By not committing to anything —even plans for next week—you're sending along a very clear message.

But before you begin to act like an insensitive jackass, this is not a license to flake out on carefully laid plans -- standing somebody up time and time again isn't non-committal. That's just sleazy and classless, and neither of those attributes should ever be accurate when describing a Player. No, this is more about portraying yourself as a free spirit who doesn't like to be tied down, a fun-seeking individual who isn't interested in annoying entanglements.

Above all else, be a gentleman

Just remember: The Player remains a classy and sophisticated individual, one who simply adores women and treats them accordingly. Never, under any circumstances, can attempting a lifestyle loaded with casual encounters translate to being predatory. There's a big difference between successful bachelor and insensitive, uncaring, selfish, and disrespectful idiot; the latter is only a tweak away from plying a woman with alcohol until she's drunk enough to have sex with a camel.

This isn't about taking advantage or putting the woman in a position of discomfort or fear; this is about finding a partner who enjoys time in the sack, one who will give you the time of your life and won't ask for…well, your life in return. Those women are out there. They adopt the same ideals and rituals you do, and they're seeking a man who will give them what they desire. And once you've located them and solidified your status and intentions, the results should be most enviable.

How do you know if it's true love?

2008-01-03T11:49:00.000+09:00

Wondering if you've just met the perfect match? Here are some guidelines to help you decide if it's true love.

After several dates, you feel you've found the perfect person. This is your dream mate, the one who will stand by you through thick and thin. You're ready to tie the knot at last.

But is it love? Or is it a cheap imitation, like infatuation, lust, or even simple companionship? Here are a few things to consider as you make the ultimate life-changing decision:

1. Do you want what's best for this person, or do you want what this person can do to help you? For example, if your mate has the chance to get a wonderful job in another city, are you willing to pull up stakes and move, or will you expect the job opportunity to get tossed aside for you? Love means putting the other person's needs ahead of your own, even when that involves sacrifice. While blind agreement to any difference of opinion is unrealistic and unreasonable, a thoughtful discussion of what is better for each of you individually as well as both of you as a couple needs to take place.

2. Do you enjoy looking at the person or talking to the person more? Both are important to a mature relationship, but if you find yourself fixated on physical appearance, attracted to your mate because of face, figure, or form, you may be taking a superficial look at your loved one. On the other hand, you don't want to be taken in by flattery or false statements. If your significant other is all talk and no action, that can be a warning sign to drop the relationship before you end up with one broken promise after another. A balance of physical and mental attraction is a healthy signal.

3. Are you willing to wait to make the relationship work? For example, if your mate pushes you to do things you don't feel comfortable with, can you firmly say no? Will your response be handled respectfully and with patience? It goes both ways, too. Are you willing to wait on your partner to get more serious when he or she is ready, or are you demanding more interaction now? Can you wait to marry until the other person finishes school or are you pushing to live together first? Patience is an important virtue associated with successful, long-term relationships.

4. Do you support each other by anticipating and meeting needs? For example, if you need to work extra right now to pay off debt before getting married, does your mate understand that the situation is temporary and willingly wait for you to put in the extra hours at your job, rather than complain about your absence? If the person has a list of errands to run before the two of you can get together, do you offer to help?

5. Are you friends? Companionship lasts much longer than ardor, generally speaking. People in their 70's, 80's, and 90's may lose some of their physical spontaneity, but they maintain a quest for fun and a shared life until the end. Do you laugh together? Enjoy similar activities? Share each other with friends and family? Or do you expect your perfect mate to spend all free time with you exclusively?

Loving another person involves self-sacrifice and compromise. If you are attracted to someone for whom you are unwilling to be patient and to share all parts of your life, you may have a lot of work to do or disappointment to deal with after the wedding. Take time now to assess your relationship with these and other factors to see if you can make a life that could last fifty years or more with the person of your dreams. Because when you wake up, your mate will still be there.

Learning from a break-up

2008-01-03T11:43:00.000+09:00

When a relationship ends, you should take the time to reflect on the reasons that it has ended so that you can learn from your mistakes.

Breakups are a learning opportunity. If you take the time to examine the reasons for your breakup, then you may be able to avoid letting history repeat itself in your dating life. There are two sides to every coin – personal growth can be the flip side to your sadness over the loss of a relationship. What was the cause of your breakup?

If you cheated on your mate, then you might be feeling very guilty and untrustworthy. You can learn from this experience that you have to work on being more honest. If you cheated, you probably were not happy in the relationship to begin with. However, you did the wrong thing by being unfaithful rather than honest. You should have ended the relationship, not strayed from it. Next time you are in a relationship, make sure that you really want to be there. It is not fair to the person that you are with for you to be unfaithful. If anyone has ever cheated on you, you know how painful it feels. Rather than dwelling on your indiscretion, forgive yourself, and move forward with the conviction that you will not do it again.

If your mate was cheating on you, and that was the cause of your breakup, there’s still an opportunity for personal growth. Understandably, you feel very hurt and betrayed. However, this is your chance to be strong and independent. You can get through this, and when you do, you will feel incredibly empowered and proud of yourself for your strength. Breaking up with your unfaithful significant other was the right move; you stood up for yourself, and you made it clear that you were not someone who is to be taken advantage of.

If your relationship ended because you wanted to take your relationship to the next level, and your mate did not want to get too serious, then you will learn to pair yourself up with a person who has similar goals for the future. Get in a relationship with someone who is looking to settle down, if that is what you are looking to do. If you were the one who did not want to get too serious, then you should be looking for someone who is also looking for a casual relationship. Leading people on is not right, and it can only lead to hurt feelings. Be honest with yourself and with the people that you date in the future.

Perhaps your mate broke up with you because you could not control your anger. You yelled too much, and you were constantly putting your significant other down. If you were not treating your mate right, then they were right to leave. You have to learn to control yourself and to express your feelings in a healthier way. This is your opportunity to change your poor behavior so that your future relationships will not suffer in the same way. You’re not a bad person; you just made some bad choices. If you have severe anger management problems, you should seek professional help.

If you’re on the other end of the abusive relationship, then you have to learn not to allow yourself to be taken advantage of and used as a human punching bag. You deserve to be treated with care and respect, and you should accept nothing less in your future relationships. Do not compromise your happiness for someone who is not treating you properly. If you have low self esteem, you have to work on feeling better about yourself before you will be ready to share your life with another person again.

If the relationship ended because you simply did not feel that it had a future, then you have to ask yourself why it is that you did not see a future between the two of you. Do you have unrealistic expectations? Or is it simply that the two of you do not want the same things out of life, or that you have grown apart over the course of your relationship? If you have established a pattern off breaking off relationships when they become too serious, then you need to determine whether not that is just a fear of commitment on your half. On the other hand, if you truly believe that your ex’s goals were too different from your own for your relationship’s future to thrive, then you should be proud of yourself for doing the right thing. If there is no future, then you should not be wasting your time, and breaking up with your mate will give you the opportunity to seek out someone whose goals are similar to your own. It is natural to feel sadness and loss after you break up with someone that you have had a romantic relationship with, but in order to get over it, you have to look for the silver lining.

how to have a closer-bond with someone?

2008-01-03T11:40:00.001+09:00

When you want to have a deeper relationship with your dating partner, here are a few ideas which encourage closer emotional intimacy.

In personal relationships, sometimes you get to the point where you’re ready to go to the next level. Instead of a casual dating situation, you want a deeper, more committed relationship that may last over time or even lead to marriage.

But how do you take the next step without tumbling into an abyss? Here are a few tips that might prove helpful:

1. Spend more time together. Some dating relationships begin with the couple seeing each other once or twice a week. This works well when both people work or manage other responsibilities, like college or caring for a family. Over time, however, you may decide that you want to know more about the other person, and that involves spending more time together through the week or on weekends so that you can observe each other more often or experience a variety of lifestyle situations. This should be a shared decision, not one person demanding more time than the other wants to give. Work out the details of when and how often you will get together, and for what purpose.

2. Share more of your lives. The type of lifestyle events you share can make a difference in the direction of your relationship. For example, you may decide to introduce your dating partner to the family and even to invite him to holiday dinners or parties. Perhaps the two of you will attend each other’s company picnics or Christmas parties. You may want to run errands together, like getting a haircut or washing the car. Whichever direction you go, taking the other person along can help you grow closer as you peek into the crevices of each other’s daily schedules or special events.

3. Cultivate intimate conversation. Special discussions or time spent conversing about meaningful things helps to foster a relationship. Women, especially, enjoy time spent talking, although many men willingly develop this habit with the women in their lives. Set a few minutes aside during your time together to talk over each other’s workday, to share political or religious views, or to exchange opinions on current events. You may want to solicit advice or air a viewpoint. Perhaps you just seek a listening ear. Being these things for each other can deepen your value as a couple.

4. Discuss problems openly. Sometimes we ignore petty irritations. But don’t sweep major problems under the rug. Issues dealing with money, extended family, work schedules, and child discipline or housework can have serious ramifications for many relationships, especially if you are thinking about getting married. Thoughtfully explore these issues and other problems that rise to the surface of your relationship. Be a courteous listener and take pains to be sure you understand your partner’s position before trying to express your own. Then together, work on finding a suitable solution.

5. Be mutually supportive. There will be times when a partner’s need may interfere with our own desires or goals. For example, you bring home a report to work on that’s due tomorrow, and your partner calls to ask if she can unburden herself of a nagging problem about a coworker. With a sigh you agree, trying not to be disgruntled. It’s fine to set boundaries:

“Sure, come on over. I have to finish this report, but let’s talk it over until 8:30 or so.”

Another example may be when you want to get a good night’s sleep and the phone rings just as you’re drifting off. Your date mate wants to ask your opinion about whether her mom needs to see a doctor for a suspicious cough. You really don’t want to answer the phone, and you’d rather be sleeping than discuss someone’s cough, but suppressing a growl you listen patiently for twenty minutes before ending the conversation with an affectionate good-bye.

Building and maintaining a healthy relationship is challenging today. But it’s still worthwhile to do the work before marriage than to struggle with unresolved issues afterward.

How to work out differences before you get married

2008-01-03T11:30:00.000+09:00

Couples should work on issues that could become major problems before they marry to increase the chances of a long and successful life together.

You’ve finally met the love of your life, and you and your fiancée are planning a wedding. This is one of the most exciting times of your life, and you want everything to be perfect! Many times, however, couples in love easily overlook issues that could turn into major problems once the newness of love has worn off.

With divorce rates as much as 50%, pre-marital counseling sessions are becoming more common. In the past, basically the only people who received counseling were couples whose marriages were already in deep trouble. Today, more and more couples are seeking out counselors and clergymen to offer advice on how to maintain a strong, healthy marriage.

If two people marry, and neither of them has been married before, the major issues they will probably need to work on will include learning to adjust to the process of living with someone else. That may not sound so difficult on paper, but it can be extremely trying if one or both have a few annoying habits or idiosyncrasies that drive the other partner crazy.

In the beginning, these habits may only be amusing or endearing, but as time goes by, they may become the source of resentment and even anger. Pets can even cause extreme angst if one person is a pet lover and the other suffers from pet related allergies. What happens when they come together to form one big, happy family?

Ideally, issues such as this one should be resolved before the couple marries. How they resolve the issue will give the couple an indication of how well they will be able to work through other conflicts as they arise. If they simply argue with finding a resolution, then there isn’t any doubt that the reason for the conflict will rear its ugly head again and again. If they just ignore the problem, eventually resentment will build, and the problem will morph into an even bigger issue.

If one or both couples have a previous marriage, and step-children are part of the picture, there will be a whole new set of potential problems. Not only will the couple need pre-marital counseling or at least need to work issues out prior to the marriage, but the children may also need to be a part of at least some of the decision making process.

If one partner has children, but the other doesn’t, the future step-parent needs to understand what his or her role will be as a step-father or step-mother. These are not issues that should be made as split-second judgments. Instead, the step-parent should know what is expected of him or her regarding responsibilities, such as support, punishment, etc. In return, the step-child should also understand what is expected out of him or her in regards to the role her new step-parent will take.

If both parents have children, there can be additional stress simply from combining two families with several, very different individuals. Each child should understand what is expected. Rules should be discussed, and both parents should strive to treat each child as fairly and equally as possible. If the children are old enough, they should be able to put in some of their opinions and wishes before the marriage takes place.

When couples work diligently to smooth out some of the possible problems before the marriage occurs, there should be less reason for strife and stress later. If a couple really can’t discuss problems before they get married, they may need to seriously reconsider or at least allow more time to go by before they enter into matrimony. Pre-marital counseling doesn’t mean a couple should have a pre-nuptial agreement. It simply means that a couple in love plans on taking their vows seriously, and they want to do everything in their power to ensure that their marriage is a success.

Are You Ready for Marriage?

2008-01-03T11:26:00.000+09:00

Decide if you are getting married for the right reasons with these helpful tips.

Would you like to know if you are ready to get married? First, ask yourself if you are at the right place in your own life. Examine your motivations for wanting to get married. Don’t compromise because you need financial help, are lonely, or think that marriage will otherwise solve your problems. A spouse can be a source of support and companionship, but choosing the wrong person for you can only perpetuate your troubles.

Before you get married, make sure you have built a solid foundation for your relationship with your partner. How well do you know one another? You should be aware of each other’s history, preferences, and lifestyle, and be able to discuss things openly. Ideally, you will have seen the person in a variety of situations and know how they cope and what to expect from them. Find out if you and your partner have the same expectations for your married lives together.

Discuss and consider your expectations for family, social and religious attendance, and household organization and finances.

1.) If one or both of you have a young child or children, consider their needs and happiness carefully. How prepared are each of you be in the children’s lives? Will this be the right situation and best environment for them? Remember that children are dependent upon their parents and that you are setting an example for them in everything you do. Whether the two of you have previous children or not, you should also discuss the possibility of having children together in the future. You may not be ready to plan on having children or make a choice not to have children, but it should still be discussed in order to get an idea of what might lie ahead. You should also meet each other’s families and find out what kind of time and involvement will be expected from you in the future. Will your in-laws be insulted if you don’t join them every Sunday for dinner? Will your husband feel neglected and complain about the bill if you phone your sister daily?

2.) Time spent with each other’s families is one concern regarding socialization, but there are also other factors. What activities will you do together and what activities will you do separately? It is important to be able to make time for one another without giving up the independence you both enjoy. Do your religious affiliations differ? Religion is a strong belief for many people and one that has to be heartfelt, so it is crucial that you be able to respect each other’s beliefs.

3.) What resources and financial obligations do the two of you have? How will the two of you pay bills, keep bank accounts, earn money, and choose how to spend? While money is certainly not as important as love, it can be a major source of tension between couples and is an important element in planning a future together. In addition, consider what responsibilities each of you will have within the household.

Although there is no surefire way to determine if marriage is right for you, considering the above concerns carefully can help you make an informed decision. Decide whether you are ready to head to the altar or if youneed to spend some time working on yourself and your relationship.

How to know if you're ready to get married?

2008-01-03T11:24:00.000+09:00

How can you know if you're ready to get married? Read on to find out tips and advice.

The big day that you dreamed about for years has arrived. The person you love has ask to or agreed to marry you but how does one know if they are really ready to enter into the covenant of marriage? While volumes could be written to address this issue, this article will attempt to generate some thought on a variety of issues that a wise prospective bride or groom should contemplate before entering into the marriage agreement.

It is wise for individuals to know themselves well before attempting to blend their lives with the life of another individual. Things that are important to know are what one considers as goals for his/her life. Things like finishing college, having a career, rearing children, taking care of extended family if need be, traveling as well a variety of other aspirations should be contemplated and taken into account when considering marriage. There should be clear communication on the goals that each person has with their intended marriage partner so that any issues/conflicts between the two individuals in regard to these goals can be discussed to make certain that there is a plan in place for when these issues arise. One example would be if both individuals want to attend college. There needs to be a plan for how to meet financial obligations while one or both spouses are in college. While goals of individuals may change over the course of a lifetime, it is a good idea to at least enter marriage with a clear plan to accommodate the goals of the bride and the groom. If there is not a way to formulate such a plan and neither partner is willing to sacrifice a goal, then this might indicate a need to postpone or forego the marriage.

Perspective brides and grooms should have clear ideas on how both they and their partner wish to live as a married couple. Questions such as: Do we want to have careers that demand a lot of our time and reap large financial gain or will one person stay home and/or work part time to care for the home and children that might eventually come into the picture? If there is a large gap in the lifestyles that both partners view as ideal, this may signal a red flag when the wedding is over and reality sets in.

Knowing the expectations that an individual has for his/her future mate is something that should be clearly defined and communicated prior to marriage. Expectations in the area of spiritual leadership/participation (or the lack thereof), parenting, communication, child rearing, conflict resolution, dealing with in-laws, sexuality, financial management, travel, relocation and traditions are a list of some very common conflicts in a marriage and therefore are things that one should know how they can somewhat anticipate their future spouse’s to feel toward and expect to handle. While there will likely be differences in opinion on a variety of issues, the impact that these differences could have in the future, for both marriage partners, should be considered.

Genuine preparation for marriage involves knowing oneself and their intended spouse very well and being willing to make sacrifices and work through differences as they arise. A perspective bride/groom must be willing to commit to some degree of selflessness in order to make a successful marriage.

Relationship tips: how to rebuild intimacy after a breakup

2008-01-03T11:19:00.001+09:00

A painful break up can feel like the permanent end to a relationships, but it can also lead to a better foundation for a more intimate reunion.

One of the most painful realities about romantic relationships is that they can only lead to two conclusions- a serious long-term commitment or a decision to break up. All of the good times, all of the intimate conversations, all of the shared experiences can end with a single argument or indiscretion. Relationships are fragile things by nature, which can only make a painful breakup that much more difficult to process.

But sometimes the bond between two people can still be strong in spite of the 'failed relationship'. Some couples find that it's easier to deal with each other once the pressure of a serious romance is off. With fewer expectations, both are free to share mutual hobbies and interests as friends. The difficulty then shifts to coping with a 400 pound gorilla called the past. Following a painful breakup, a sense of friendship may still exist but not necessarily a sense of true INTIMACY. Can a couple truly restore the intimacy they once experienced during their former romance? The answer depends on how much work both are willing to do to achieve that goal.

First of all, restoring intimacy after a breakup is really two separate issues- true intimacy cannot be restored until the breakup has been fully addressed. This means looking back at the entire relationship and the underlying issues which caused the breakup. Taking inventory of a failed relationship is never easy, so couples should not expect miracles at first. It helps to remember the small events first- memorable dates, shared jokes, embarrassing moments. Intimacy begins when the arc of the relationship is remembered more than the breakup. Couples interested in restoring a broken relationship need to remember what brought them together in the first place.

A breakup is literally and figuratively the death of a relationship, so the entire cycle of grief must be allowed to happen. Obviously there will be a time when neither partner wants to be in the same room or planet as the other. This is all to be expected in the denial and anger phases of grief. The circumstances surrounding the breakup may even demand a physical separation, at least until the immediate issues are resolved. A breakup due to infidelity, for example, may require a partner to avoid seeing the 'scene of the crime' or the other party involved. All of these temporary solutions need to be explored before there is any hope of reconciliation. The former relationship must die completely before it can be reborn.

Both partners also need time to redefine themselves as individuals before considering a return to intimacy. Romantic couples often meld their individual personalities and goals into a new entity. When that entity suffers the shock of a breakup, it can take a while for both halves to re-establish their individuality. For a new intimacy to occur, both partners must bring their new selves to the meeting. The former relationship involved two people who didn't have the foresight of a painful breakup. A new relationship involves two people who now understand how to hurt each other. The old personalities simply cannot enter into a new relationship and hope to create true intimacy.

Some couples who reconcile too quickly after a breakup discover that very few things have actually changed between them. The need to feel secure or appreciated or protected may override the natural healing process. Being alone again after a long relationship can be very scary, so some former partners will seek out an ex simply for the illusion of intimacy. Humans tend to seek out the solution with the least amount of unknowns, which in relationship terms can mean a premature return to a safer time. Couples who truly seek a return to intimacy should recognize the difference between a temporary emotion born from anxiety and a deeper desire to correct the mistakes of the past and rekindle a mature relationship.

Tthe effects of infidelity

2008-01-03T11:08:00.000+09:00

Before entering into an affair, remember that the effects of infidelity are sometimes temporary, but many times it can be permanent.

Many factors can ruin a relationship. Infidelity is one of the top reasons. Why is it that infidelity is hard to forgive and forget? The aftermath is usually longer than the actual affair. What are the effects of infidelity on a relationship?

Trust

Infidelity affects the trust level in a relationship. A relationship is a commitment to each other, together and apart. Infidelity breaks the trust that one has for their partner when they are apart. An affair is cloaked in location and activity lies. Therefore it is difficult to believe what one says. If there are children in the relationship, they are being lied to also. The time spent away with the lover, is time away from the children. One must lie to them about their absence. Older children are keener, thus they can see through and dissect lies. Too many disappointments can lead to resentment in children. With resentment and lack of trust, it is impossible to have a healthy relationship with one’s children.

Lack of trust may cause constant suspicion and interrogation. This can create a tense and hostile home environment, even if the affair is over. The lingering aura of the affair is enough to cause spontaneous arguments.

Self Esteem

Infidelity hurts one’s partner, because it may attack their self-esteem. One begins to question their value and worth against their partner’s lover. What is it that he/she has that I don’t have? Are they younger, slimmer, more handsome? Self-analysis easily transpires into self-criticism.

Self-destructive criticism manifests into a self-fulfilling prophecy. One who feels ugly, sometimes becomes ugly. Depression is a highly plausible result of destructive self-criticism. Depression literally depresses drives and motivation. The desire to care for one’s physical appearance begins to decline, and then disappear. The infidelous partner uses this as an excuse for their infidelity. In actuality they have directly contributed to it. Low self-esteem in one’s partner can manifest in any ways other than depression. It can cause the offended partner to become adulterous, themselves.

Partners and spouses are not the only ones to suffer a self-esteem blow when one cheats. Children begin to question their worth when they witness a parent’s infidelity. Many may blame themselves for the parent’s absence. They may feel that they are not good enough, or behave well enough for the parent to want to be with them. They may feel that they have driven the parent away.

These can lead to anxieties in a child such as perfectionist behavior or obsessive-compulsive disorder. Girls who grow up with an adulterous father may develop trust issues with men when they grow up. Or she may have hostile feelings towards men because of what she witnessed her mother endure, when she was a child.

Boys who witness infidelity may have low respect for women as their father did for their mother. They may feel that being a man is equal to being adulterous. If their mother is the adulterous one, he may view women as immoral and have issues of trust or resentment towards them.

Image

If one holds a high profile position, locally or internationally, infidelity can ruin one’s public image. Politicians, religious leaders and activists cannot afford any moral based scandals. Infidelity can cost a high profile person their career. The American public is infatuated with infidelity on the big and small screen. But many are quite unforgiving of infidelity in their leaders.

Infidelity is an expensive habit. If it leads to divorce of a marriage, the legal judgments may be affected by infidelity. Pain, suffering and alimony allotments are weighed against the reason of the marriage dissolution.

Infidelity can also affect child custody rulings. Character judgments will be filtered through the affair. It may be embarrassing for the adulterer and their lover to be publicly scrutinized. Infidelity usually makes for a messy divorce. And post divorce relationships can often be bitter and hostile.

Infidelity causes inter-generational as well as career damage. Some of this damage can be repaired through professional counseling. But some damage is irreparable. Before entering into an affair, remember that the effects of infidelity are sometimes temporary, but many times it can be permanent.

More on flirting and body language

2008-01-03T10:56:00.000+09:00

by Tracey Cox

A number of subconscious triggers play a major role in the dating game, governing how we see each other. Find out how to avoid getting the push before you've said "hello"!

Statistics differ but most experts agree it takes us between 90 seconds and four minutes to decide if we fancy someone - and as much as we'd like to think it all rests on that witty one-liner, it doesn't.

50% of the impression we get from someone comes through our body language

38% is from the tone, speed and inflection of our voice

and a mere 7% is from what we're actually saying!

First impressions

This doesn't mean you can get away with droning on about your passion for snails and butterfly collection forever (content is crucial later), but it does mean you need to get the body language right straight away or they won't bother to stick around to find out how fascinating you are.

If you're not already feeling horribly self-conscious, you should be. To make you completely paranoid, here's another scary thought. Before you've even spoken to the person you've got your eye on, the way you've walked and stood is more than 80 per cent of their first impression of you!

We make snap judgements based on instinct but the fact is, almost every facet of our personality is evident from our appearance, posture and the way we move.

So, how do we tell if our body is sending the right signals - and (more importantly) how to read theirs? Let your body do the talking (and the flirting) by learning to recognise...

The five secret sexual signals that someone is flirting with you

1)The flirting triangle. When we look at people we're not familiar with (in a business situation for instance), our eyes make a zig-zag motion: we look from eye to eye and across the bridge of the nose.

With friends, the look drops below eye level and moves into a triangle shape: we look from eye to eye but also look down to include the nose and mouth.

Once we start flirting, the triangle gets even bigger - it widens at the bottom to include their good bits (like the body). The more intense the flirting, the more intensely we'll look from eye to eye - and the more time we'll spend looking at their mouth.

If someone is watching your mouth while you're talking to them, it can be very, very seductive. It could be that they're imagining what it would be like to kiss you.

2)Mirroring. This is what separates a good flirt from a great flirt: nothing will bond you more effectively than mirroring someone's behaviour. This simply means you do whatever it is they do. If they lean forward to tell you something intimate, you lean in to meet them. If they sit back to take a sip of their drink and look you in the eye, you pause then follow suit.

The theory behind mirroring is that we like people who are like us. If someone is doing what we're doing, we feel they're on the same level as us and in the same mood as we are.

There are two no-go areas with this one, though: firstly, only mirror positive body language; second, capture the spirit rather than mimicking them. As a general rule, wait around 50 seconds before following their gestures.

3)The eyebrow flash. When we first see someone we're attracted to, our eyebrows rise and fall. If they are similarly attracted, they raise their eyebrows in return. Never noticed? It's not surprising since the whole thing lasts only about a fifth of a second!

We're not consciously aware of doing it, but it's a gesture that is duplicated by every culture on Earth. In fact, some experts claim it's the most instantly recognised non-verbal sign of greeting used by humans.

The trick is to watch for it when you meet someone you fancy. Better still, tell them you're interested on a subconscious level by prolonging your eyebrow flash for up to one second - deliberately raise them while catching their eye for full impact.

4)Pointing. Sneak a peek at what their feet and hands are doing - we tend to point toward the person we're interested in. If we find someone attractive, we'll often point at them subconsciously with our hands arms, feet, legs, toes.

Again, it's an unconscious indicator to make our intentions known. Unconsciously, this is often picked up by the other person, without them really knowing why.

So if you've got your eye on someone in the corner, point your body in their direction - even if you don't make eye contact, they may take the hint.

5)Blinking. If someone likes what they see, their pupil size increases and so does their blink rate. If you want to up the odds in your favour, try increasing the blink rate of the person you're talking to, by blinking more yourself. If the person likes you, they'll unconsciously try to match your blink rate to keep in sync with you, which in turn, makes you both feel more attracted to each other!

Now, one final word before you go rushing off to the nearest bar to practise all this. Before you go, you must understand...

The golden rule of body language

Don't judge on one thing alone. Sitting with your arms crossed is often perceived as a defensive, stand-off posture. But it might also mean you're freezing cold, you're having a fat day or just spilt coffee all over your top!

Don't jump to conclusions, instead look for clusters of behaviour. If someone has their arms crossed and their lips are pursed disapprovingly, it's a fairly safe bet they are on the defensive. Most body language experts favour the Rule of Four, which means look for at least four signals suggesting the same thing before totally believing it.

Safety on dates

If you're cyber dating, using the personals or even a dating agency you haven't tried before, it makes sense to...

Arrange to meet for coffee or lunch rather than dinner. Not only are you safer in the day but you don't waste time if it doesn't work. Help prevent any unwanted chasing (which might turn into stalking) by being polite but not leading them on. If you don't fancy them, just say '"You're a lovely person, but unfortunately, not what I was looking for."
Stick to an area that's well lit with lots of people around. It's a good idea to meet in a place where you're known so the person you're with can be identified. Chat away to the waiter/waitress so it's obvious you've been seen with them.
Don't invite strangers to your home and don't go to theirs until you know them very well.
Trust your gut instinct and listen carefully to their relationship history. Are they using the service for the right reasons or are they just after sex?
Give the details of your date to several friends - where you'll be, the time you'll meet, the person's name, phone number and address. Get them to phone you an hour into the date to check you're OK; you phone them a few hours later to report in again.

Do you & your partner want the same things?

2008-01-03T10:50:00.000+09:00

The test of any relationship comes with time: as we get older, so our views, aspirations and ambitions change. Relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall looks at how to help your relationship face the challenge.

The first attraction

Having things in common is often a major part of the initial attraction to our partners. Some anthropologists will tell you that at an unconscious level we even go so far as to choose partners who look like us.

As a relationship develops, each shared experience gives us the chance to check out if we're compatible. Do we share the same taste in music? Do we laugh at the same jokes? Do we like the same people?

If we seem to have plenty in common, we'll begin to explore each other's aspirations to see if we have a shared future together.

What our ambitions say about us

When we begin to talk about our dreams and ambitions, we're sharing the things that are closest to our hearts. We're saying something about our personal values and about our priorities. For example:

If you won £1million, what would you do with it? Or, to put it another way, what are the things that make you happy?
If you could have only three things with you on a desert island, what would they be? Or, what are the most important things in your life?

Each to their own

The person who says "f I won a million, I'd buy us a new home" is saying something quite different from the person who says "I'd buy myself a sports car".

The person who forgets to mention their partner as one of the things they'd have on a desert island with them had better be ready to defend themselves.

When dreams change

Your partner always insisted they hated travel, but has now announced a desire to emigrate to Peru. How can that happen?

As we get older, most of us become wiser and more self-confident. Our tastes change and so do our priorities. It's this capacity to change that makes it possible to be happy with the same person for 70 years. And when both partners change and grow together, it can be a life-enriching experience.

But change can also a little scary. We may fear that our partner is growing away from us. For a time it may seem we have less in common, that we don't know them as well as we thought. But even if your dreams are off course for a while, it doesn't mean they won't come together again in the future.

Talking together

The most important thing is to share the same personal values and priorities in life with your partner. And when couples talk about their underlying motivations and needs, they often discover that they do.

For example: If you want to abseil down Mount Kilimanjaro and your partner wants to write science fiction, you both want to satisfy a personal need to accomplish something that takes stamina, perseverance and skill.

Or if your partner wants to work as much overtime as possible while you want to have more time at home, underneath you may both believe that the children come first and want to do what you can to provide for them.

Practical exercise

If your goals in life seem to be worlds apart, don't give up yet. Sit down together and identify what need within you that goal is going to satisfy. You may well find that your goals are the same as your partner's - it's just the paths that are different. Have a look at Your hopes and dreams to find out more.

Secrets of successful relationships

2008-01-03T10:47:00.000+09:00

Every relationship needs a solid foundation if it's to survive all life can throw at it. Relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall looks at the seven essentials that spell success.

1. Love yourself

Unless you love yourself, it's hard for you to believe that anyone else will.

Self-esteem is important for a healthy relationship. When you truly like yourself, in spite of any failings and weaknesses you may have, you'll feel confident. And when you feel confident and secure within yourself, you can enjoy being with your partner for the joy they bring to your life, not because you feel you need them to survive. For tips on building confidence see the Improving confidence site.

If you've had bad experiences in the past, it's worth working through these issues with a trusted friend or counsellor. It can be tempting to lean on your partner and rely on them for reassurance, but the stronger you are as an individual, the stronger and more equal your relationship will be.

2. Like your partner

Healthy relationships happen between two people who really like each other. It may be more romantic to talk about love, but it's important to remember that love is an emotion that comes and goes.

If you genuinely like each other, enjoy being together, agree with how each other thinks and behaves, and share the same dreams in life, then loving feelings will never be too far away.

It's important to tell your partner you like them, too. Warm words of encouragement and support build trust and respect. Add the odd compliment as well and you'll be helping to boost their self-esteem.

3. Make quality time

The importance of things can be measured by the amount of time we're willing to give them. When a couple first gets together, they instinctively prioritise their relationship. But as time goes by and life gets busier with work and children, time together often slips down the list of priorities.

If you don't spend regular quality time together, chances are you'll drift apart. Making such time for each other may mean sacrificing other activities, but remember it's an investment in your future happiness.

4. Communicate

Good communication is essential for a healthy relationship. It's the only way you can tell your partner who you are, what you want and why you behave the way you do. Talking is the way we let each other into our private worlds.

Communicating better is about learning to say openly and honestly exactly what you think and feel. It also means listening to your partner without judgement. For more see Talk and listen.

5. Argue well

It's important to accept that arguments are a normal part of a relationship. We're all unique and so we're bound to have our differences.

Couples who argue well don't have to worry about not always agreeing. A good argument is an opportunity to share your feelings and strengthen your bond by reaching a decision you're both happy with. It can be an experience that leaves you both feeling more confident about your relationship and brings you closer together.

6. Touch every day

Touching is a vital human need. Studies have shown that without touching, many animals - including humans - will die in childhood. Being caressed also lowers blood pressure and releases natural opiates in the brain, as well as the chemical oxytocin, which is essential for human pair-bonding. For more, see Sensual touching.

Touch has the power to comfort and support, to protect and encourage, to relax and, of course, to arouse. Every couple knows their sex life may have dry periods, but our need for physical affection never changes.

7. Accept change

People change over the years and it's these changes that can keep a relationship alive. Life changes too - and not always in ways that we want.

Change can provide opportunities for growth and intimacy, but it can also be painful. It may mean adjusting to a new way of thinking or a new way of life. It may also mean letting go of things that have been familiar and safe.

In successful relationships, couples learn to adapt and change together. They accept that change is an inevitable part of human life and support each other, for better for worse.

Keeping all seven principles going isn't easy, but the more you can manage on a regular basis, the stronger your relationships will be.

Guys' 10 Secret Dating Rules

2007-11-15T20:11:00.000+09:00

For as long as there have been men and women, there have been dating and dating rituals. Being the sly hunters we are, men have built up a reservoir of knowledge and cunning over the millennia on how to successfully woo the ladies over the first few weeks of a courtship.

There are many fish in the sea, and there are many baiting procedures you can use to reel them in. And though many women may be aware of some of our strategies, they surely don't know of all of them. Let's keep it that way, gentlemen. Keep these timeless secret dating tips under your hat and enjoy the learning process.

10. Wait three days before calling back

The idea behind this dating rule of thumb is to make sure that your new squeeze doesn't think you're desperate to see her. And it's become a golden rule because it often works. Many women know the dating game, and want to see if their new man can play it. Prove that you can by keeping it cool, and resisting the urge to follow up on a meeting too promptly. Just make sure not to wait longer than a few days to call back, or she may cool off entirely.

9. Take her where everyone knows your name

Another way to impress your new woman early in the game is to go somewhere where you already have a great reputation. By taking her to one of your usual haunts, you'll get to showcase your smooth self in action among your vast circle of acquaintances. Whether it's a simple greeting from a DJ at the club or a restaurant manager who hooks you up with the best table, a display of social clout will definitely make an impact on your date. It's a surefire way to let her know that she's caught herself a real man.

8. Resist sleeping with her early on

Aside from the fact that withholding yourself will keep her wanting you more, adhering to this rule also shows her that you're a man who isn't ruled by his loins. Don't hold back entirely, though; kiss her passionately as if you were going to have sex, then pull away. Doing so will heighten the sexual tension and will be a huge turn-on for her. And when you finally do decide to do the deed, your patience and self-control will end up paying huge dividends in the bedroom.

7. Limit your spending

One of the best ways to know if she's a keeper is to find out how much money she expects you to spend on her. On early dates, take her to places where you don't have to spend much, such as a coffee shop, lounge or boardwalk. This will give you a chance to figure out whether she's all about you... or your wallet. Mind you, don't cheap out completely, or she'll just think you're a bum.

6. Screen her first few calls

While the 10th rule prevents you from appearing too needy, this one allows you to gauge whether she's desperate. You want to make sure that you're not getting involved with someone with stalker tendencies. Return her calls one or two days later, so that you keep control of the situation ‑- but no later than this, or you risk turning her off completely and losing your honey to another bee.

5. Don't offer her gifts early on

Very rarely are you going to recognize a woman as the love of your life within the first few months of dating her. At this point you're still getting to know her, and she most likely hasn't revealed any of those true quirks or characteristics that could put a quick end to your dating. So don't get all goofy and start showering her with expensive gifts.

4. Be mysterious... but not weird

Remember not to volunteer any information about past relationships, your family or your job right away. Your woman will keep you guessing about her, so you need to do the same in return. Maintaining some intrigue keeps the spice in dating. Let her tease information out of you slowly. Make her think that she's "winning" this game, even as you control the flow of information. Just make sure you don't get too creepy about it, or you could end up scaring her off.

3. Don't flatter her too much

While it's true that you will have to do some flattering in your initial flirtations, keep it toned down. The worst thing you can do is lay on the compliments too thick at the beginning. Rather than inflating her head, see if she can enjoy your company and conversation without an accompanying ego massage.

2. Don't meet her friends ‑- yet

Finding the time to date a new girl is always a challenge, so don't make things more difficult for yourself by agreeing to meet her friends, as well. Besides exposing yourself to a modern-day inquisition, you risk also giving her the impression that she can invite one or more of her friends to come out with the two of you. Even worse, she may want to double-date with her friends and their boyfriends. It's just a bad situation, and you don't want anything to do with it. So keep her friends out of the picture until you feel confident that the relationship is actually heading somewhere.

1. Don't let her meet your friends ‑- yet

It's a two-way street, and it's always best to keep your new woman away from your good buddies at the start, too. She may not be prepared for their sense of humor, or they may reveal things about you that you'd rather keep her in the dark about. And make no mistake, she will try and get the scoop on you from your friends if she meets them. Don't let it happen.

Dating Rules to Memorize

Now that you know all the secret dating rules, get out there and catch some women using your newfound knowledge. Just remember to keep this stuff between the brothers. (iVillage editor's note: Whoops! Sorry, boys.)

Men Confess the 10 Annoying Things Women Do

2007-11-15T20:04:00.000+09:00

Men love women. The way they look, smell, walk and talk are just some of the reasons why we consider them a divine species. Yet we can't live with them, and we certainly can't live without them...

...for the most part anyway, because perfect, they are not. And upon serious analysis, I've discovered the top 10 things women do that drive men to the brink of insanity.

10. Pretend to be virtuous

A recurring theme among many women is that they try to place themselves under a "holier than thou" light, never admitting that they fooled around or dividing their number of boyfriends by five. Now, we applaud those ladies who truly are innocent and pure, but the rest should stop trying to water down their past. Women are allowed to have just as much fun as guys, and they should find a man who can appreciate that.

9. Criticize other women

Why is it that many women can't make a simple compliment toward another woman? They love to nitpick about everything from weight to hairstyle and everything in between. Only a woman will notice if another woman's shoes don't match her purse and turn it into a calamity.

Granted there are some women who are readily willing to admit when another woman is hot (and hopefully invite her over for a ménage à trois), but most don't want to distract their men with any competition. Nevertheless, we spot the hot ones anyway.

8. Act jealous

Oftentimes, just mentioning another woman's name can spell the end of your existence. Imagine, then, the warfare you'll have to endure if she finds out you were at a gentleman's club.

Call it what you will, but a lot of women have this thing that causes them to second-guess everything, especially their man's loyalty. That's why when another female enters the equation in any way, shape or form, she tenses up. If you've given her reason to doubt you, then her paranoia is likely justified. Otherwise, you shouldn't have to pay the price because she's feeling insecure.

7. Become needy

Some women have some serious security issues. They need their men to hold them, rub them and tell them how special they are. They turn men into their emotional crutch and look to us for moral, mental and emotional support.

There's a real irony here when you think of all the women who go out of their way to show us how independent they are. These are usually the same women who become extremely insecure once they finally fall in love. Of course, as tempting as it may be to use this to our advantage, I think most men would prefer the tougher version. This way, they'd at least retain some peace of mind.

6. Speak in code

The old "What are you thinking?" question is a timeless example of how women love to test their men and search for our true feelings about them. They hurtle obscure, theoretical questions at us that, according to them, we're supposed to know the answers to if we're really their soul mates.

What a pitiful sight it is, seeing a guy tense up as his mind goes into overdrive, looking for the right answer, while his lady looks on from a distance with her arms folded and foot tapping. At this point, there's nothing left to do except throw an answer out there and hope we don't end up in the doghouse.

5. Invade our personal space

Women have this instinctive tic that makes them want to groom us anytime they want and make our personal belongings theirs.

In other words, when they're not adjusting our tie for the umpteenth time, they're rummaging through our drawers, looking for a sweatshirt to change into. Am I the only one who sees a problem here? We all know that there would be hell to pay if we so much as thought about giving them a haircut or sorting through their stuff, so why is it that our turf is fair game?

4. Become too emotional

They cry over anything: a sad movie (or even a happy one), a broken nail or a haircut gone awry. What's worse, they expect us to clean up the emotional mess. And if there's one thing we suck at, it's dealing with a crying woman on our shoulder.

It's not that we're insensitive, but aside from saying, "There there, sweetie," we don't know the first thing about comforting a woman. The fact that women are usually more delicate and vulnerable is great; we just don't want the steady stream of tears for every minor setback.

3. Shop till they drop

When it comes to shopping, there just aren't enough hours in the day for most women. Whether it's browsing, window-shopping or an all-out spending spree, they can spend hours on end in a shoe store, among others, without even thinking about food, water or any of their responsibilities.

But what's worse is that they have to take us along for the ride. So there we go, from store to store, wandering aimlessly back and forth while they inspect every article of clothing by its respective price tag.

2. Talk incessantly

Chris Rock nailed it when he said that asking how her day went renders a 45-minute conversation. Most women love to talk, and if you give them the ammo, they won't stop. It's not that we don't care about what they have to say; it's just that we don't need to hear every minute detail.

1. Use sex as a weapon

In the war of the sexes, it's all about who wears the pants in the relationship. Oftentimes most women, in an effort to show their superiority, will attack men's universal weak spot: sex.

And while I applaud them for this gutsy tactic, they really should leave the basic human needs alone, don't you think?

Learn to Tolerate

In the grand scheme of things, women's annoying habits aren't that bad. Chances are you'll adapt to them in time, as will she when it comes to your annoying tendencies. Nobody's perfect, and I think that's something we can all agree on.

10 Things He's Afraid to Hear You Say

2007-11-15T19:54:00.000+09:00

There are certain things a man never wants to hear from his lady. "Let's go shopping" is one of them, as those words usually herald a whole afternoon wasted near the women's fitting rooms. "You're acting like your father" is another, much harsher statement. Even worse, "You're acting like my father"; that one just hurts. Below, however, are the most fearsome, most harrowing combinations of words a female can utter.

10. I've been thinking...

If she actually tells you she's been thinking, it's serious. And you can bet it involves marriage, cohabitation or the bitter end. It can take many forms, such as: "Why do you love me?" and "Have you ever thought about the future?" Again, have a brilliant exit plan at hand. A severed finger, for instance.

9. Be a man.

Nothing is quite as injurious as having your very manhood questioned. You could give in to her shame tactics and do what she wants, or deflect it by saying, "How about you be a woman and quit nagging?"

8. My parents want to meet you.

This means two things:

The relationship has crossed an important milestone of seriousness.
You're about to be psychologically cavity-searched under the family microscope.

All you can do is hope her father doesn't mention that he has some rusty wire cutters he wants to put to use.

7. I have a headache.

That means no action for you tonight, buddy. But you can beat her to it. If you sense she's particularly tired when you're horny, give her an unsolicited aspirin and hope for the best.

6. That's not the way my ex did it.

You never talk about your ex in front of her. So you obviously weren't prepared for this. Now you're being measured against the man she dumped. Ouch. Defend yourself, quickly.

5. What are you thinking about?

Women are curious. They need to know your every thought, feeling, hunch and inkling. Men, on the other hand, don't like to discuss and explore everything; we're content to keep quiet.

4. Do you find her pretty?

She already caught you looking at that mind-blowing blonde that walked by, no matter how covert your glance. So if you say "no," she'll know you're lying and an argument will ensue. This is the time for very artful tact, such as, "Kind of, her ass is huge." Now pray.

3. Do you notice anything different about me?

You know you're in trouble if you don't. And the longer you take to answer, the more frustrated she'll become, which makes you more frantic. And when you finally bellow, "Oh, you got a new haircut!" she storms out, throwing her new earrings on the floor.

2. My friend is pregnant/engaged.

This seems harmless enough, until you catch that thinly veiled hint of disappointment in her voice. At this point, you know she really means, "When will we be engaged/pregnant?" Be prepared with an expert diversion at this point, such as faking a seizure. Unfortunately, nothing will help you when she comes at you with the even more chilling, "I'm pregnant." Good luck, buddy.

1. We need to talk.

What everyone should know about these words is that no good news ever follows. These four ominous words signal a problem with the relationship. Expect a breakup, or at the very least a long talk about how you're not meeting her needs. Either way, it's not pleasant. And there is little you can do to avoid it. And though this one is a real bruiser, nothing is quite as caustic, as savage, as utterly cataclysmic as, "Do you think I'm fat?" You're on your own.

A rite of passage

While no man likes to hear any of the aforementioned phrases, every man will, at some point, endure them. The best you can do is be prepared.

Does He Think You're the One?

2007-11-15T19:49:00.000+09:00

He may be testing you to find out

You've been getting closer with a woman and you're thinking, Hmm… she might be the one. But in the back of your mind an insistent little voice keeps nagging, This is too good to be true. And instant replays of all the mood swings, temper tantrums and unbridled greediness of your past girlfriends flit through your brain.

Maybe there have been inklings that all is not sunny in relationship paradise; or maybe you're just feeling a need to tap the brakes a little and tread cautiously — after all, dating is a significant investment of time if you're not headed in the right direction. So before you commit, put her to the test. Women are constantly testing us and constantly evaluating the results, so it's only fair for us to turn the tables. Here are a few tests you can try on for size:

Excess baggage

Lots of women are the "walking wounded" — they carry around unresolved hurt and anger from past relationships and expect the new men in their lives to tolerate their outbursts. To evaluate your girlfriend's baggage level, quiz her about her past boyfriends. If she comes back with, "Troy and I are still friends, even though it didn't work out," you're in safe territory. But if she says nothing or begins badmouthing him like a maniac, run.

The green-eyed monster

Nothing will tip you off more about future problems than her reaction to your interaction with other women. You'll know right away if your girlfriend has jealousy issues by those daggers in her eyes when you look at the opposite sex. And if she's the jealous type, watch out — hell hath no fury. So to test her, deliberately flirt with a waitress, or point out how hot some chick on TV looks. Prepare for the worst!

Can you trust her?

This is the flip side of the jealousy test. Have one of your friends or a business associate hit on her and see how she reacts. If she opens the door and invites him in, it means she's still on the lookout for the BBD (Bigger, Better Deal), and it's just a matter of time before you're out on the street.

Me, me, me

Today many, many women are selfish, self-obsessed narcissists who expect men to coddle them and cater to their every whim. This is because they hold the sex trump card and know it. To test her selfishness quotient, insist (over her demands) on eating at a restaurant you pick, or opt to stay in and watch a DVD instead of going out. If she's a spoiled brat who only cares about herself, you'll find out right away.

What does she really want?

If you're a good-looking guy, it's possible that your girlfriend is only interested in your looks. To test her, show up for a date sprouting stubble and wearing your rumpled old clothes from high school, or pass on taking a shower after working out. If she thinks it's "cute," or reacts with a smile, she passes with flying colors; but if she throws a tantrum and starts screaming about how embarrassing it would be to be seen with you, it's time to move on.

If you're a guy with lots of cash, it may just be that she's angling to wrap her sticky little fingers around your wallet. To deal with her, tell her that you're about to lose your job, so money's tight. Or pretend that you forgot your wallet and that she'll have to foot the bill. Or even start a discussion about the necessity of prenuptial contracts. If this earns you a flat, "I can't believe this" stare or she starts calling you "cheap," head for the nearest exit.

How cool is she?

Some women — especially the jealous types — are relentlessly insecure and interpret any male independence as a threat to their sexual control of the relationship. This includes spending time with your buddies whom she views as a gateway to the single life and opportunities for interaction with other women. Guys like to go to sports bars, strip clubs, games — places where she can't exert her control. Test her by telling her you can't see her Saturday night because you and your friends are going to a strip club. Her reaction will be immediate — but again, prepare for he worst.

Home alone

Leave her alone with your friends or family members to see how she interacts with them. Is she polite and engaging? Does she make an effort to get to know them — or does she view them as competition? Ask them what kind of impression they got from her, and pay close attention to their answers — they may be seeing something you're not.

5 Traits That Make You a Hall of Fame Girlfriend

2007-11-15T19:33:00.000+09:00

Why should men settle for women that only offer appearances? Some women still believe that their beauty is enough to keep men happy. Those days are long gone. Men no longer settle for such raw deals. So what makes a woman a great catch?

Today, professional and successful men are in hot pursuit of smart, funny, independent, spontaneous, and very sexy women. Why shouldn't we? After all, don't we deserve better than women whose only talent is tossing their hair from one shoulder to the other?

If you are in a relationship right now, stop for a moment and analyze your current situation. Is your girlfriend a keeper, or should you just sweep her away? It's time to look for the five crucial qualities of a Gold Medal Girlfriend.

1. Independence makes her strong

Women who have balanced lives and interests of their own and who don't depend on men are the ones who can attract men without effort. Desperation to find men and get married are qualities that will drive most men away from potentially adequate relationships.

2. A great girlfriend gives you space and freedom

Another requirement for most men is that girlfriends or wives give them space to pursue outside interests. Relationships should not be like a 7-Eleven, open 24/7. Clinginess is the quickest route to relationship disasters. Too much space could be a sign of rockiness in relationships, from a lack of love, interest or attraction, but freedom allows men to grow as individuals and gives them breathing room, which is much appreciated.

3. She stays calm

There is no reason for men to be afraid that their girlfriends will freak out on a daily basis. The two scenarios men hate the most: women crying for no reason and women acting suspicious. If these scenarios seem familiar, then get out and don't look back. Men want women they can trust. No one wants to be questioned and interrogated by the people that supposedly love them.

4. She's one of the guys

Men look for women who not only complement them but share their interests as well. If she's going to be your best friend, then why not do things that you enjoy together? Monday Night Football can be a great activity for two, if you're both interested in it.

5. Sex is always an adventure with a great girlfriend

Some women think that as long as they have sex from time to time, their men will be happy. But sexual relations should not be one-sided; women cannot lie back and expect men to do all the work. If that's the case, boredom will set in very quickly. Nothing keeps men more interested than women with vast sexual ranges. Women should make their men feel wanted and desired; they should make sweet love one night and be wild the next. If women keep men guessing, they'll come back for more — always. Of course, men have to keep their women guessing too. Remember, it takes two to tango.

These are just some of the qualities men look for in ideal girlfriends. Keep in mind though, I'm not suggesting men dump their girlfriends if they don't have the qualities mentioned above. What I am saying is that maybe men should think about what they need and want in relationships and strive to be with someone who fulfills those needs.

10 Reasons Why Men Prefer Bitchy Women

2007-11-15T19:31:00.000+09:00

by Sherry Argov

You've heard that nice guys finish last, but what about nice girls? In this excerpt from her book Why Men Marry Bitches, author Sherry Argov reveals why men actually prefer a confident, secure woman (Argov's definition of the word bitch) to one who lets her man take the reins in a relationship. She surveyed real men, who spilled exactly what makes or breaks their opinion of the women they meet — and it turns out that having your own life, making your own plans and not letting him win all the time only makes you more attractive. So who says being a "bitch" is a bad thing? Not these guys! Here's what they had to say:

"The worst thing a woman can do is see a guy every night of the week. That's how she becomes his good-time girl on his 'reserve list.' What will happen is, the guy will start coming over at nine o'clock and then he'll leave by ten-thirty. If he gets access or what he wants from her anytime he wants it, he won't have to lift a finger to keep it going."
"Men are competitive. When he buys a car that is a limited-edition model, he feels like he has something special. Guys in the street who race cars usually race for pink slips, because they want to win, conquer and take the other vehicle. That carries over to women. A woman who is easy won't scratch his competitive itch. When she stops expressing her opinion and starts agreeing with everything he says, that's usually when a man starts to feel bored."
"A woman should never go looking for him or chase him down at three different places where he said he might be having a drink. If he says, 'Either I'll be at the Cheesecake Factory or some bar on 26th,' don't try to track him down. If you want to be his 'steady,' let him come track you down."
"My fiancée was the first woman to put me in my place. She constantly reminds me, 'Hey, nobody's forcing you to stay.' If I tried to BS my way out of a situation, she'd say, 'Let me save you the time and energy. Don't give me that s**t, because I ain't buying it.' I know if she caught me cheating she'd smack me over the head with a frying pan. And I respect her more than any woman I've ever known."
"If he can sum you up in one sentence, he'll be bored."
"Confidence is when you don't try to interpret or overly process everything that you are observing out loud. It prevents the relationship from progressing on a normal course. For example, every time I gave this woman flowers, she would remind me that her ex stopped bringing her flowers. What she really wanted to ask was whether I'd keep doing it in the future. That made me feel like she didn't really enjoy the flowers or appreciate the present moment with me."
"A woman shouldn't say, 'You don't call me enough,' or, 'You never tell me you love me.' As a woman, your best asset is to be unpredictable. He should never be able to figure you out. When he can always predict what you are going to do next, you've lost him as a long-term partner. He'll look for someone else whom he can't understand or control."
"If she feels strongly about something, she'll have a backbone. This woman is the woman he respects. Not a 'melba toast' cracker that crumbles with very little pressure."
"You have to seem like you aren't giving yourself fully. 'Here I am. Take me.' Men want to be kept guessing. Think about it. When a guy picks out a movie, he wants to be on the edge of his seat from the very beginning. If someone doesn't lose a limb or get shot and buildings aren't blown up all within the first 20 minutes, he'll think he got cheated out of 20 bucks."
"A woman shouldn't even crack a joke about marriage. I was on a second date with a girl, and we are both from Ireland. Back home we have a saying, 'If you kiss me you are going to have to marry me.' If you have the desire to get married, never let a man know that up front. If you do, it's the same as handing him a manual and telling him exactly how to dangle a carrot and play on your weaknesses."

What Men Notice When They First Meet You

2007-11-15T19:23:00.000+09:00

From highlights to heels, guys reveal what works--and what doesn't

by Steve Santagati

A Woman's Closet, Designed by Men

Your shape and height determine much of what you'll look good in, but here are some general rules of thumb:

Shorter Girls

Wear heels. Heels create the illusion of longer legs. And as I've said, they're sexy!
Buy a dress that vaguely clings, while still allowing your bum to move freely. Check out the red carpet “best dressed” lists for examples.
Loose cotton dresses are best if you have some pounds to shed. They give us a hint of your bum and legs without a solid picture. We have vivid imaginations and we fantasize you better-looking, not worse. (We're on your side here. Just give us something to work with!)

Taller Girls

Stand up straight, shoulders back, chest high.
Wear longer dresses that hug your legs a bit. You want a fitted design.
Pick either heels of flats, depending on how tall you want to appear.
Make sure that at least 60 percent of your skin is covered by the dress. You have a lot of skin, and a little goes a long way.
As with shorter girls, loose-fitting, sheer cotton dresses that cling a little are great for those of you carrying a bit of extra weight.

Glasses
Glasses are hot! Hands down. Just make sure you pick a great style that flatters your face and keep the lenses free of eyelashes and finger prints. I love chicks in glasses.

Is your date a player?

2007-10-18T03:21:00.000+08:00

By Debra Kent

You’re suddenly single after years of marriage or long term-relationship, and you’re wondering how you will navigate the murky waters of modern dating—especially when it comes to sex. You may discover that the rules have changed or, more to the point, there really are no rules. The landscape has changed too, with the advent of Internet dating, chat rooms, and concepts like “friends with benefits.”

Whether you’re interested in casual sex or a serious relationship, it helps to know what your date is thinking. We polled the relationship experts for clues that your date or date-to-be has only one thing in mind—and it’s not a long-term relationship. Here are the top eight signals that someone’s only interested in sex. Use this info to decide how you want to proceed:

Read between the lines. Online profiles can reveal much about a prospective date’s intentions, says Alyssa Wodtke, co-author of Truth, Lies, and Online Dating: Secrets to Finding Romance on the Internet. Watch for wording like: “Looking for a good time.” “Just looking for friends.” “Bored and looking for fun.” “Want to keep things casual.”

Be aware of too much interest in physical appearances. Someone who’s looking for a sex buddy will focus on getting an accurate physical description of you. “This person may ask for a photo that shows your entire body, rather than being satisfied with a head shot,” observes Maryann Karinch, co-author of The Date Decoder.

Let racy language register. This should go without saying, but for the sake of those rusty souls who haven’t been on a date since 1979: Someone who talks sexy wants to have sex, whether it’s in emails, on the phone, or face-to-face. “He has nothing to lose!” says Karinch. You can respond in kind, of course, but think twice if you’re hoping for a serious relationship. Also proceed with caution if your date is eager to share sexual histories or obsess on particular body parts, says relationship expert Nili Sachs (www.drnili.com).

Heed “let’s hurry up” tactics. Take note if your online prospect wants to meet you ASAP. A promising relationship often begins with emails, progresses to phone calls, and then — after you’ve learned a little or a lot about each other — culminates in a date. “Someone who’s just interested in hooking up is probably not going to spend time getting to know you,” says Wodtke. “What does he care how many brothers and sisters you have or what your childhood was like if all he wants to do is get you in bed?”

Take note of late dates. “The biggest sign that the date is headed to the bedroom is that the plans begin after 9 p.m.,” says Laurie Puhn, J.D., author of Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words to Change Your Life and TV host of I on New York. “Even if it’s a first date, never meet for drinks after 9.”

Be wary of last-minute plans. You know someone’s looking for a quickie if he calls or texts you at 8 p.m., says he’s in the area and wants to meet in an hour. If you’re relationship-minded, the only appropriate response, says Puhn, is: “Can’t make it. If you’d like to make plans in advance for another night, let me know.”

Location, location, location. Let’s face it, some venues lend themselves to sex, others don’t. Are you meeting at the art museum or a bar... or his apartment? If someone invites you to his or her place on the first date, sex is probably foremost on the agenda. So unless you’re looking for a hookup too, decline the offer. “If he calls you again, he’s not just trying to bed you,” Puhn says.

Check up on eye contact. Eye contact — or lack of it — can signal your date’s intentions. Chances are they’re hoping for sex if, “instead of maintaining good eye contact across the table, they’re staring at your chest or your other body parts,” notes relationship coach Toni Coleman, LCSW (www.consum-mate.com).

The best way to find out whether someone is into you just for the sex? Insist on waiting a while before you go horizontal, Puhn suggests. “If the person sticks around in the interim, there’s your answer.”

Dating for the Right Reasons

2007-10-18T02:53:00.000+08:00

By Laura J. Schaefer

Of all the endeavors you can pursue, dating can be one of the most enjoyable. It's entertaining, it provides companionship, and it can lead to lasting love and partnership. But as you decide whether you're ready to date, make sure you are doing it for the right reason: You have a full life that you'd like to share with another person.

With that in mind, here are a few bad reasons to date …

Your friends want you paired off: Just because your friends are married or coupled up doesn't mean you have to find "your other half." If they are pressuring you to date, be firm. You need to date because you want to, not because everyone else in your life thinks it's the thing to do.

You can't stand to be alone: If you approach dating with the desperation of a person who is uncomfortable spending any time alone, you might not choose a suitable partner. Learn to enjoy your own company and that of your friends and family before embarking on new romantic relationships.

Well, he/she asked: It's wonderfully flattering to be asked out on a date, but you don't owe anyone a thing. Remember, you'll have a more satisfying romantic life if you choose when to date. Don't just take whoever comes along because it's less work that way.

You're "that age": Who knows what "that age" even is, but sometimes we feel pressured to date because others (and the youth-obsessed media) are telling us that time is slipping away. Pshaw. You can fall in love at any time in your life, and the experience will be all the more rich if you're emotionally ready. Whether you're 25 or 75, there is no "right age" for dating or commitment. Listen to your heart and date when you feel ready.

You want someone to fix your life: You've heard it a million times before, but that's because it's true. You are in charge of your happiness and your circumstances. Please don't date someone in order to find motivation to quit smoking, pay the bills on time, get out of the house, etc. Take care of yourself now in order to be a good partner later.

You want to further your career: Try not to mix business with pleasure by using dating as a way to make professional contacts. People might get hurt and your reputation could be compromised. Be honest with yourself about your goals. If you're much more concerned with work than with being a good partner, perhaps you should put your love life on hold for a few months.

How to date on a budget

2007-10-18T02:49:00.000+08:00

By Rachel Sarah

When I entered the dating world again — as the 32-year-old single mom of a toddler — my time constraints and frumpy wardrobe weren’t the only things that stressed me out. It was also money. Dating can be expensive—even before you’ve said “hello” to a prospective mate. The monthly online dating fee was worth it, but it was already a stretch for me. How was I going to pay for dinner and a movie, too? Eager to get out, I was forced to be creative, and soon I discovered that even when your money is tight, it doesn’t mean you have to sit home alone and watch Grey’s Anatomy.

Make that first date an unusual one
Forget the expensive Italian restaurant or impressing your date with center row theater tickets. Doing something unusual can make it easier to socialize, and also take financial pressure out of the equation. According to Diane Mapes, the author of How to Date in a Post-Dating World, it’s especially important to keep first-date expenses down. “Money can be such a huge sticking point,” Mapes says, and there’s no reason to start things off awkwardly. “A cheap first date is an important way to sidestep that."

Besides, free can actually be fun. Fly a kite. Feed the ducks. Take a ferry ride. All it takes is a little ingenuity, like when Limor Farber of Kauai, HI, met a blind date at her local swimming pool. “It took a while before I got in the water,” Farber admits, but once she got her feet wet, the date went, well, swimmingly.

Seek out places with props
OK, so you’ve made it through the first date inexpensively enough to afford a second. Now what? A café is always a safe choice for early dates. But too many coffee dates in a row — with both of you staring into your lattes — can get dull.

That’s why Mapes suggests meeting in places with props, like at a bookstore. “You already have something immediate to talk about, such as, ‘Have you read this book?’” says Mapes. Plus, she adds, bookstores often have interesting events going on, like book signings, lectures, or cooking demos—all of which are both fun and free.

Flea markets are another prop-laden alternative to a humdrum café. “It doesn’t cost you a penny if you don’t want to buy anything,” says Mapes. “And there are lots of props that might spark a discussion. He might tell you about his mother’s collection of buttons, which would be a natural impetus to get to know each other better.”

Look like a million bucks, spend less than fifty
Think you need to spend a lot to look great on a date? No, you don’t! My own wardrobe life-saver is simple and practical: I bought just one “first-date outfit.” Remember that your first date has never met you, so he or she doesn’t know that you wore the same outfit last weekend (and the weekend before, and the weekend before). Admittedly, I’ve never met a guy who has a “first-date outfit,” but my friend Alan says that looking sharp on his dates — wearing a nice belt, ironing his trousers — can make a low-budget outfit look more impressive.

Get some fresh air
Fresh air isn’t just free, it’s invigorating. Beth Gracely, of Boulder, CO, loves to hike with her dog, so a first date for her often means meeting “on a great trail 10 minutes from my house, one that doesn’t take you to remote places.” (While there were no sparks on a recent hike, Gracely and her date became friends and have since swapped dog-sitting.)

Mapes also recommends exercising together on a date, but she’d prefer to take an urban walk than to venture out on a hike. “He could be really annoying,” she says of a potential date, “and then you’re stuck in the woods for hours with him.”

Don’t shell out for high-priced babysitters
When you’re a single parent, dating on a budget comes with an additional challenge: babysitting. Here’s how I keep the cost down: Every Wednesday night, I meet my two closest single-parent friends — and our daughters — for dinner at one of our homes. Every so often, I’ll take this opportunity to dash out the door to meet a date for an hour. If you don’t have a built-in network, most cities have single-parent groups, which is a great way to meet people to swap childcare. For older kids, the YMCA and local gyms often have special kid nights on the weekends that might buy you a few free hours for a date.

And if you and your date both have kids, this commonality might actually work in your favor. Jill Mason, who blogs at www.datingwithchildren.net, recalls one of her favorite first dates, when she and a divorced dad met to go Christmas shopping for their respective kids. She used the money she might have spent on an expensive date to buy the gifts and, as a bonus, she was proud of the fact that she had a ball and finished her holiday shopping. The cost of the two-fer? Priceless.

Send your baggage packing

2007-10-18T02:45:00.000+08:00

By Chelsea Kaplan

Have your past relationships left you with enough emotional baggage to fill an entire airplane? If so, it’s time to let go of it before your next relationship crashes and burns, says Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., the host of Detroit’s popular “Love Doctor” live television and radio programs. Below, find her tips on how to lighten your load:

Don’t despair—you are not alone
Though you may feel like the only person out there with unhealed scars from previous breakups, everyone else has ’em, too. “All people have some amount of baggage associated with past relationships,” says Dr. Orbuch. “It’s the amount of baggage that matters.” While it’s normal to occasionally compare past relationships with your present one, if you find yourself comparing every behavior and quality of a new date to your old flame, it is time to deal with the past, she says. Once you’ve done so, you’ll be able to move forward without the need to constantly revisit the past.

Forge new memories
All couples have their “places”—a favorite restaurant or coffee shop, a regularly-visited shop or a frequently-visited movie theater. Even if you’re still a huge fan of those establishments, when trying to get over an ex, it’s best to avoid visiting them, Dr. Orbuch advises: “It may sound obvious, but many people make the mistake of going to the old places that remind them of the past relationship, which brings the old memories right back.” Additionally, nothing good can come from having old photos, ticket stubs and clothing of your ex hanging around the house. “Putting away the photos and other reminders of your past relationships helps put away the memories,” Dr. Orbuch asserts. Focus on what’s going on in your life now—and creating an exciting future.

Refocus the blame
While you may need an answer as to why a past relationship ended, seeking such confirmation or closure may actually hinder your ability to move past the breakup. “It is important to not blame yourself or your partner for the past breakup,” says Dr. Orbuch. “Instead, blame the relationship or chalk it up to the fact that the two of you just weren’t right for each other.” An anger-free declaration of “We were not compatible” or “We were very different” can often ease you into the adjustment you’ll need to make after your relationship’s end, not to mention letting go of the baggage associated with the past, she says. Staying too invested in the who, what, where and why of the breakup will prevent you from moving on. Find a way to look at what happened, explain it, and move forward.

Express your anger constructively
It’s common to be saddled with baggage associated with the past because you still have unresolved anger about how, why or when a past relationship ended. “It’s OK to feel some anger about the demise of a relationship because it motivates you to move forward with your life,” explains Dr. Orbuch. However, if you don’t deal with that anger constructively, you can’t let go of the past and therefore can’t approach dating with a new, fresh, positive attitude. To deal with your anger in a healthy way, Dr. Orbuch advises logging your feelings in a journal, exercising, or writing a letter to your ex-partner. “If you go the letter route, write down all of what you want to say to your ex, but don’t send it! Throw it away, or put it in a drawer to read later,” she recommends.

Use gender-specific coping strategies
According to Dr. Orbuch, studies show that men and women cope very differently after a relationship breakup or divorce and also deal with past baggage very differently: “For women, talking about the breakup (though not endlessly) is very therapeutic and helpful for them. Women call their friends, seek out self-help books, and go to therapists,” she says. “Men, on the other hand, do what I call ‘behavioral coping strategies’—they play sports, work out at the gym, put more energy into their job/work, or start a new hobby.” In her experience, she’s seen that these strategies work well for each sex when they are trying to let their baggage go as well as when they’re dealing with a date who constantly brings up the past.

Get confirmation from friends and family
When you’re still licking the wounds from a breakup, the need for self-protection often causes even the best of us to become revisionist historians and forget why the relationship needed to end. “When going back and asking yourself, ‘Should we have ended it?’ consult your family and friends—they haven’t forgotten why it didn’t work,” advises Dr. Orbuch. When you need a dose of reality, ask them to remind you why your past relationship didn’t work or why it wasn’t right for you.

Seek assistance from a therapist
If you feel overwhelmed by the emotional fallout from your past relationships, don’t be afraid to seek help from a mental-health professional. “If you are really feeling distressed, angry or upset or you feel like the past is preventing you from moving on, I strongly encourage you to seek out the assistance of a counselor or therapist,” Dr. Orbuch advises, nothing that another person’s perspective can be extremely helpful when your goal is moving on.

5 things guys love to hear

2007-10-18T02:35:00.001+08:00

By Robert W. Harris

Don’t get me wrong: In general, men are in awe of women’s date-night conversation skills, which, hands down, are far superior to their own. Even so, though, you gals do still insert your stiletto’d foot in your mouth every once in awhile—or, conversely, miss prime opportunities to make a remark that would raise your stock in our eyes. Curious whether you’ve got the right choice phrases in your back pocket and whether you’re avoiding the bad ones? Check out this list of things guys love (and hate) to hear on a date for the lowdown.

5 things men love to hear on a date...

“Then what happened?”
It’s human: A man likes to think that his life is reasonably interesting. And while interrupting him, changing the subject, or acting bored are well-known nails in the coffin, it’s not enough to just sit there, smile, and say, “Uh-huh” every few seconds. Actively egg him on with comments like, “You’re kidding! What happened next?” or “Go on...” That way, he’ll know you’re genuinely interested versus just being polite.

“That’s pretty impressive.”
Maybe he placed in a local triathlon. Or got a promotion at work. Or figured out how to fix his air conditioner. Whatever he’s done, if he’s mentioning it on a date, he’s most likely proud of it—and if you feed his ego by applauding his efforts, you’ll make him feel like a king.

“Thank you.”
No doubt about it, manners matter—and are sorely lacking in today’s less formal dating scene. Tap into your inner Emily Post, and it’s sure to make you stand out. So, thank him when he tells you that you look pretty tonight. Thank him for paying for dinner. Thank him for walking you to your car. It’s so small a thing, but it’ll make a huge difference to him.

“What do you do when you’re not at work?”
Although a guy’s work might be of primary importance, he also has other things in his life that he values. Does he juggle? Work on his car? Play an instrument? With a little probing, a woman can hit upon hidden passions—and convey that she’s interested in getting a complete picture of him and not just what he does for his paycheck.

“I’d like to get your opinion on something.”
It’s the damsel in the distress call, and it’s pure catnip for men: That’s because we love feeling useful, and you seeking our advice definitely fits the bill. So whether you need tips on buying a digital camera or how to handle a tricky situation with your boss, he’ll be glad to help. (He will be less eager, however, to comment on shopping, knitting or his dating past...but you knew that.)

...And 5 things men hate to hear:

“My last boyfriend...”
All we can say is, why? Why mention that your ex was a jerk? Why mention that you and your ex are pals? Why mention your ex, period? Whatever you say, all we will hear is, “I’m out with you, but I’m still thinking a lot about another man.” Although men like to compete, they don’t like to do it on a date with men who aren’t even in the same room.

“Do you mind if I take this call?”
Of course we mind. We won’t say we do, but we do. So unless it’s a dire emergency involving your kids or grandmother on her deathbed, let your voicemail pick up. Trust us, an hour paying attention to your date won’t kill you.

“So how do you feel about abortion?”
This type of question is known among men as a litmus test—a touchy topic that women raise to gauge whether we’re politically, morally, or spiritually on the same page as them (the death penalty, gay marriage, and the war in Iraq also fit the bill). Sure, we probably have strong opinions. But we’re not interested in getting into them with you, at least not yet. After all, this is a date, not debate club. Let’s have fun and save more heated back-and-forths for later.

“And then I found this cute pair of sandals...”
Granted, you and your girlfriends can spend hours gushing about shopping, shoes, and new hairstyles. But you’re not out with your girlfriends. You’re out with a guy, remember? And same as how we wouldn’t subject you to talk about stocks or our favorite sports teams, please, do us the same favor.

“How do you feel about having a family?”
Pop this question during those first few dates, and most men will assume your biological clock is ticking fast—and that’s not a good thing. It’s not that we don’t want families, many of us do—it’s just that we like to get to know a woman first. And we like to know you like us as more than just as a potential baby-making machine. After all, where’s the romance in that?

Why I dumped her…

2007-10-18T02:22:00.000+08:00

By Dave Singleton

“Things were going great until she…”: That’s the refrain I heard when I asked guys what happens when they date a woman and then dump her. I’m not saying that women should bear the brunt of all breakups or feel as if they are to blame. My goal here is to illuminate the kind of behavior that most often turns a guy from happily dating toward thinking, “This isn’t going well….” Hear what they have to say, and see if you can gain a little insight into the male mind that can help you in future relationships.

Miss Overly Dependent. “The first six months we dated, she took care of herself and did everything that she needed to do on her own,” says Tim, 33, of St. Louis. “Then she started asking me what I thought about everything. I understand some questions, but it was the daily stuff that I never got asked about before that bugged me. She wanted to know what she should pack for trips that we took, even though she’d already researched the weather and knew the itinerary. She asked me whether or not she should watch a television show or catch up on work. She wondered whether she should tell her friend Joanne that she had been hurt by her remarks the other day. On the nights we were apart, she’d call and ask me what I thought she should have. I tried talking to her about it, and encouraged her to be independent, but she wouldn’t listen.”
Lesson to learn: Most guys aren’t genetically programmed to be as talky as women are. If you want to hash over the minutiae of everyday life, call your mom or your girlfriends. If you need his advice on something a tad weightier than Coke or Pepsi, though—do ask. Guys love to feel as if they are helping resolve problems.

Miss Nag, Nag, Nag. “At first, I could do no wrong,” says Bill, 32, of Hoboken, NJ. “Then we started hanging out more, and she’d make occasional little comments like, ‘Honey, didn’t I tell you to take out the trash?’ or ‘Sweetie, that’s the third time I’ve asked you if you could change that light bulb… please?’ Her little comments escalated into constant criticisms like, ‘You’re not wearing that light blue shirt again, are you?’ and ‘Why do you have to see your friends every week?’ I tried to ignore it for a while but when that didn’t work, I straight-up asked her to curb the nagging, but she kept at it. In my opinion, she was trying to exert control, but she didn’t see that. I was working hard at my job and at our relationship. But her control games didn’t work on me. I finally told her the relationship made me depressed, and I didn’t feel close to her anymore.”
Lesson to learn: Understand that too many requests won’t get results…they’ll just get annoying. Choose your issues wisely, and then approach them in a constructive way. Sit down and use “I” language—“I feel lonely when you spend so much time with your friends,” or “I feel as if we’re not a team when I make dinner but you don’t help clean up.”

Miss “I Do,” But Too Soon. “Here’s the thing. I really enjoyed my relationship with Sharon,” says Mark, 36, of Ocala, FL. “But she pushed marriage on me all the time and kept reminding me that she was 36 and needed to make decisions about her future and kids, which I respected. Yes, I want to be married one day, too. But her pushing constantly made me pull away. It got to the point where the only thing she seemed passionate about was getting engaged. Finally, after just six months, she gave me an ultimatum to get engaged. I don’t take ultimatums well and didn’t want to be pushed down the aisle. So that was that.”
Lesson to learn: There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to get married… or making that fact very clear to the guy you’re dating. However, you can’t push a man into marriage before he’s ready. Sometimes it takes a leap of faith to wait and see if he’ll step up. But if you can’t give him the time he needs — or if he’s sending you signals that he doesn’t feel as strongly as you do — it may be time to cut your losses. Pursue your goals, but know that if he isn’t the guy for you, no amount of hinting, pushing or pleading is going to change that.

Miss Lack of Affection. “We were so hot for each other at first,” recalls Tony, 28, of Brooklyn, NY. “But her interest dropped off and she wouldn’t talk about it. I got the message that my girl really doesn’t enjoy sex with me. I was very attracted to her, but the excitement went away after a few months of dating. She seemed perfectly content with our relationship. But I was bothered by the fact that she didn’t seem to miss affection and intimacy. Kisses were perfunctory, and sex basically stopped. I want a woman who wants me in every way. The relationship needed to end.”
Lesson learned: If there’s a reason he’s not pleasing you in bed — or there’s another issue that has you avoiding intimacy with your guy — talk to him about it, but outside the bedroom. Let him know that you want to get over whatever hurdle there is, and enjoy the intimacy again. On the other hand, if you don’t desire sex as often as he does, seeing a counselor can help you two better manage your mismatched sex drives instead of throwing in the towel.

Miss “Don’t Make Me Over.” “I needed to feel understood and loved for who I am, but that was not happening,” says Jim, 29, of Austin, TX. “I think my girlfriend Jenny was more interested in finding the perfect man or maybe just an easy-to-mold man. But she wasn’t interested in getting to know me. She would always tell me that I had great potential, and that I should go to law school when I had dropped out for a good reason: I hated it! She wanted me to be more social, like all the things she liked, and be more ambitious. Who was she to say that to me? When I woke up one morning and realized that I felt terrible about myself, I knew I had to break up with her. I want someone who likes me for me, as I am now. Genuine concern and support are great. But all I got from her was conditional love, and I needed more. If there’s one thing I wish women would remember when dating, it’s this: Don’t try to make me over. I like me pretty much the way I am.”
Lesson to learn: Sure, you want to help him be his best… with an emphasis on the word “his.” Let him be who he’s gotta be. Try to take an interest in his interests and hobbies and draw out what excites him in life. Share in what makes him special, and see if you can appreciate it, even if it doesn’t suit your concept of what your dream guy would be. And if it isn’t enough for you, well, sadly—he’s not the right guy, and it’s on to the next.

Is he into you?

2007-10-18T02:19:00.000+08:00

By Michael and Tim Burke

For the past few years, thanks to the breakthrough book He’s Just Not That Into You, women everywhere have been duly warned of all the ways men try to wiggle free from relationships without ever really saying so. Many single gals owe their sanity to this book, which taught them to stop wondering why he didn’t call and just accept the truth: that it wasn’t meant to be. Still, amidst all these downplayed expectations we got to wondering: Don’t women also want to know when guys are in hot pursuit? To that end, we’ve interrogated a small army of men (and some savvy women) to uncover some tell-tale signs he actually is that into you, whether you’ve just met or have been dating awhile. Read on for the good news.

He can’t relax
Keith Duncan, 31, wasn’t exactly excited to tell us this, but “There always seems to be a bit more pressure on me when I’m talking to a girl I really like. The room gets warm, I don’t feel as humorous as I usually am, and I keep hearing in my head ‘don’t screw this up.’” And that can only mean one thing: He’s trying his darndest to impress you.

He connects the dots
If he remembers or refers to things you said earlier in the conversation or at an earlier point when you two first met, it shows he’s been paying attention. And since this is not generally one of our stronger traits, it can really mean something.

His focus is on you and only you
If a guy is looking to just pick you up, he’ll never fully commit to you. He’ll always be looking for his Plan B. So if his eyes are wandering around the bar or at the party, beware. If he stays put and is devoted to you, it’s all good. Johnny McDonnell, age 30, admits, “There are times when I know my buddies will give me a hard time because I’ve spent the entire night talking to the same girl, but if I like her, I really don’t care.”

He sneaks in a “we”
If, instead of “I” and “you”, he throws out the word “we” a whole lot, this a great sign. He’s trying in his own bumbling way (because we’re not that shrewd) to see if he can put the two of you together. David Wygant, dating expert and author of Always Talk to Strangers, agrees that “pronouns are the most important thing,” and adds, “If the guy says, ‘You know we should go ice skating sometime,’ he’s fishing to see if you’ll bite.” He hopes you’ll like the sound of it and agree.

He leads you on—in a good way
If he casually drops, “Have you heard about such and such restaurant?” or declares, “I’ve gotta go see that movie,” in legal terms this is called “leading the witness”: He’s throwing it out there hoping you’ll tack on, “Yeah, me too.” So pay attention. This is our brilliant way of getting around directly asking you out and exposing ourselves to the crushing blow of rejection. Because hey, that hurts, and we’d rather put out feelers first. So if you get the feeling he’s fishing, that’s a good sign he’d like to see you again.

He’s happy to be somewhere that’s normally not his scene
And he’s happy because he’s with you. Seth Reimer, 30, tells us,“ I can remember going to a club that I would never want to set foot in because I knew a girl, who is now my wife, would be there. The place was awful, but she made me want to go every night until I could get her to go out with me.”

He makes an effort with your friends
As Jared Piccolo, 28, puts it, “The friends are the gatekeepers,” he says. “If you don’t get past them, you’re out.” So see if he’s going beyond the bare minimum of polite small talk and really trying to bond with your pals. If he is, then he’s trying to fit into your larger life, and that’s definitely a good sign.

He eagerly brings you into his inner circle
We guys can often easily separate our dating lives from our regular lives. In fact, we often prefer to keep the two worlds apart. However, the women we really like quickly meet our friends, see our favorite hangouts (making sure she approves) and so on. Tim admits that when he was single he kept dates he wasn’t interested in long-term far away from his regular circle. “It made things clear, distinct and free of complications when it ended.” If he’s introducing you to his pals and favorite spots, on the other hand, congrats—you’re getting woven into the fabric of his life.

Why I wouldn’t date him…

2007-10-18T02:13:00.000+08:00

By Dave Singleton

When it comes to sizing up our dates, don’t we all feel a little Seinfeld-ian from time to time? When I interviewed women for this article, I heard many, many complaints—from the universal, easily understood to the mystifyingly personal. Let me give you some samples: “He smoked.” “He wasn’t nice to the waiter.” “He put ketchup on his eggs—gross!” “His shoes were too pointy.” “His nose hair needed grooming.” “He looked like he’d be a slobbery kisser.” During those early dates, many of us turn into Jerry, Elaine and George, and nitpick our dates into obscurity.

But after you’ve made it through the first few obstacles and dated him for a few months, what are the next series of “should we continue or not” hurdles you face? I discovered there are some common themes when it comes to why women give a guy a chance… and then give him the old heave-ho. Listen in as women share what turns Mr. Maybe into Mr. Not-If-You-Were-the-Last-Man-on-Earth:

Mr. Bad Manners. “While eating spaghetti, he practically buried his face in the bowl and slurped the noodles, then tried to talk to me with noodles dangling from his mouth,” says Jenny, 29, of Washington, D.C., who dated Todd, 32, for three months. “I wish I had seen his bad manners earlier,” says Jenny. “What I learned is that people can stay on their best behavior for a few weeks, or even months, but eventually, the truth comes out. I guess that Todd was on his best behavior the first month or so. He didn’t show such poor table manners at first. But after asking him repeatedly and politely to stop chewing with his mouth open, I finally gave up. He wouldn’t listen to me and was very defensive about the whole subject. I learned one thing about myself. Bad table manners are my deal-breaker.”
Lesson to learn: Stay on your best manners—until they become your everyday manners.

Mr. Cheapo. “Barry, the man I was seeing for five months, is cute, but I hate that he’s cheap,” says Linda, 37, of Norfolk, VA. “He’s my age and makes a good living as a lawyer. So he has no excuse, really. Cheapness is the kiss of death for me. I hate when a man you’re seeing turns into an accountant at the end of a meal or event. Barry would turn to me and say, ‘And your half comes to…,’ until it finally drove me crazy. The final straw was when, on my birthday, he gave me a tacky “re-gift” out of his closet. To top it off, he never wanted to spend money going to plays or cultural events. I’m not saying a guy needs to spend a mint on me, but I believe money should be used in moderation to create great shared experiences and convey affection. It wasn’t about the money as much as it was his attitude.”
Lesson to learn: Be open to spending some money on shared experiences that bond the two of you and create great memories. Also know that there are plenty of women out there who expect a guy to pay until the relationship is rock-solid (not saying it’s fair, just that’s the way it is).

Mr. Zero Ambition. “We had fun at first,” says Stacy, 35, of Pasadena, CA, about her short-term boyfriend Allan, 36. “But I had to leave him after six months. Yes, he was a nice guy. It just didn't feel right with him because he has no future ambition, like getting married or wanting to have a stable career. He works at a video store, which would have been fine, but he just doesn’t seem to care about what he does or have any plan for his life (hey, he usually didn’t even have a plan for the weekend!). Eventually, I want to buy a home and fix it up with my husband. I also want to have kids, which costs a lot of money these days, so I need a guy who cares at least a little about finances. I enjoyed his company for the months we were together, but his passive approach to just watching his life go by got to me. It got boring to be with a guy who never wanted to do anything but watch TV.”
Lesson learned: Think about where you want to be in 5 or 10 years, and take steps to go after it. Take a small risk, show some initiative. And if your job doesn’t thrill you, try sharing something else that you are passionate about — Mexican food, kayaking, whatever — with your date so she can learn from you and feel a deeper connection and an excitement about being with you.

Mr. Neglectful. “Once we got into the comfort zone of dating regularly, he started ignoring me and I couldn’t take it anymore,” says Sharon, 39, of Hartford, CT, about Lou, 42, her boyfriend of four months. “What started out as an exciting relationship turned into such a lonely affair. When we first met, he surprised me with calls during the day, funny emails, and nights out on the town. But little by little, he stopped doing all of that. He made excuses for not spending as much time with me. He either saw his friends alone several nights a week or wanted to, in his words, ‘chill out from the long work day.’ The funny thing is that I don’t think he was planning to break up with me. Even though I’d been telling him for a few weeks that I wasn’t happy with the lack of time and energy going into our relationship, he seemed surprised when I broke up with him. It’s like he wooed me and then once he got me, he didn’t want to make an effort anymore. Lack of connection seemed fine with him, but it didn’t work for me.”
Lesson learned: You don’t have to be with her 24/7, but do know that there’s the expectation by many women to see their guy once during the week and on the weekend—once they get into a dating groove, that is. If you can’t spend that much time with her, let her know you’re thinking of her with a quick email or text message now and then, or just a voicemail saying that you’re heading out to hockey practice with the guys but are thinking of how much fun it will be to see her on the weekend.

Mr. Independence. “What happens when you realize you’re dating someone who isn’t sure he wants to be dating?” asks New Yorker Diane, 32. “I met Tom through friends and really liked him… but as we began dating regularly — three or four times a week — I noticed that he kept joking about how he’d never marry until he was 50, how he was thinking of going on a guys-only vacation over the summer… it was as if he wanted me to know, don’t get too serious about this guy. He still treated me well, but I couldn’t ignore the signals he was so clearly sending about his priorities, and broke things off.”
Lesson learned: Not looking to get serious? Send those signals out from day one. Don’t start seeing someone and then back-pedal like crazy. It’s much better to find someone who’s also looking for something casual, too

Is she into you?

2007-10-18T02:10:00.000+08:00

By Nina Malkin

Maybe in an alternate universe, women approach men by simply saying: “Hello! I find you ever so attractive and intriguing!” Not so much on this planet. Sure, some girls have sledgehammer flirting techniques and courting ploys, but most give off more subtle signals. And in case you’re wondering if one such lovely specimen is batting her eyes at you, here we slip you some tell-tale tip-offs.

The power of touch
Body language speaks volumes—and goes beyond the blatant hair toss. Shrugging the shoulders, flashing the wrists, massaging the neck and basically any kind of self-touching are all invitations to romance. “We stroke ourselves for two reasons,” says Tracey Cox, author of Superflirt. “To draw attention to a body part and to subconsciously tease the person watching.” So if she’s making you hot under the collar, it’s because she wants to—consider that a big green light.

Girlish antics
Dating may still feel like high school for good reason: Grown women can really regress around guys. The giggling. The blushing. The whispering to a friend from behind her hand. Her voice may even go a full octave higher. “Noticeable changes may result as one imagines the risks and rejection involved with a new interest,” says Molly Barrow, Ph.D., author of Matchlines: A Revolutionary New Way of Looking at Relationships and Making the Right Choices in Love. So take her girlish goofiness as a compliment—and don’t worry! “As the anxiety lessens, the behavior will improve,” Barrow says.

Express checkout
If a woman looks at you in a triangular pattern, going from one eye, then dipping to your mouth, chest or even lower, before traveling up to your other eye, she’s sizing you up big time. “Eye movement studies show we look at different parts of other people depending on the situation and level of attractiveness,” explains Cox. “With people we’re attracted to, the triangle broadens” to take on more of the face or body.

The Spanish inquisition
When a woman’s into you, she’ll grill you like a steak. “She’ll ask all about you—your work, your childhood, your likes and dislikes,” says Janice Hoffman, author of Relationship Rules. And if she asks about the future (for instance, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”), she’s scrutinizing your soul-mate potential. Granted, this 60 Minutes treatment tends to bother men. To counter this, ask her lots of questions—Hoffman says women can’t get enough of them as long as they’re not too personal.

Limited interruptions
Sometimes it’s what she doesn’t say that signals interest. “Refraining from interruption in conversation shows that your date has respect for you and is also probably interested in what you’re saying,” says Hoffman. So if she’s hanging onto your every word, then you’ve got her in your thrall.

Space invasion
Has she nudged her mojito closer to your beer? Resting her hand on your side of the table? Yep, she’s moving in on you. “We use our hands to signal interest by moving them into the other person’s personal space,” explains Cox. And if she’s fidgeting or fiddling with her drink, silverware, or something else on the table, even better: That means she’s got some nervous energy brewing and wants to touch you but can’t quite bring herself to span the divide just yet.

Innocent insults
Snide remarks like “Who said you could wear a shirt like that?” or “So you think you’re smart, huh?” might seem like bad news, but as long as the teasing is delivered with a smile, assume it’s playful banter. She’s dishing it out, but she most likely means the opposite—that she’s impressed by you.

Perpetual preening
Don’t mistake interest for vanity if your date seems to constantly check her reflection, fix her hair or smooth her outfit. Barrow believes these mini-grooming gestures means a woman isn’t self-obsessed but rather is just trying to look good to you.

Total recall
“Did you have that talk with your boss?” “How was the hockey game?” “Is your roommate feeling better?” If you’re hearing questions like these – follow-ups on things you mentioned recently – it’s a clear indication that your date really digs you. She remembers what you say and cares enough to inquire about what’s going on in your life.

Inconsequential contact
Before a first kiss is even on the agenda, a girl who’s hot for you will find excuses to touch you. A light slap of your knee when you say something funny, the brushing of lint off your lapel, a plucking at your sleeve—Hoffman says all these non-intimate bits of contact build trust and show she cares.

So now you know how to read between the lines and tell if a woman’s really into you. Use this information to your advantage!

7 signs your honey may cheat

2007-10-18T02:08:00.001+08:00

By Gilda Carle, Ph.D.

Most of us — even the not-so-jealous types — know that feeling of, “Is my sweetheart really working late… or could this person be two-timing me?” I’ve counseled many individuals dealing with this concern, so let me share my knowledge with you about the signs that someone is cheating (or seriously contemplating it). Use this information and insight—and either stop worrying or have a serious talk with your partner!

Sign #1: Your sweetie keeps you a secret from his/her family & friends
Cheaters keep you in the dark while they play in the light. Your relationship won’t work if you’re getting what I call the Shadow Treatment. The Shadow Treatment means that you are often kept waiting in the wings while your mate is out socializing. Think about it: Are there gatherings of friends, family reunions or workplace parties that you are not invited to? Do you only meet some of your honey’s network of friends? If you are kept on the sidelines, there’s probably a good reason. Maybe your sweetie is on the prowl for someone else. Or perhaps there is already someone else and so your role in his or her life can’t be made public. Anytime you are kept on the fringes once you believe you are an exclusive couple, be suspicious. And know that the only way to end Shadow Treatment is to stop accepting it. Once you challenge it, you will either be fully accepted in your sweetheart’s life… or know it’s time to leave.

Sign #2: Your sweetie is emotionally absent
Cheaters conceal their emotional whereabouts so they can be evasive about their physical whereabouts. Love is exhausting when you have to pry the truth out of a partner.

Consider this story: After enjoying a platonic friendship for a decade, Margaret and Roy began dating. Roy was a traveling sales manager. While he was on the road, Margaret heard from him only occasionally. But he continued to say he wanted to spend more time with her—which he never did. Margaret was obviously a low priority for him. She was shocked to learn he had another girlfriend across the country.

An emotionally absent partner may say what you want to hear, but will not change his or her actions—unless he or she wants to. Saying the right thing and doing the right thing are very different. If your honey talks a good game about spending more time with you and paying more attention to you but never delivers—look out! This person may be juggling multiple relationships.

Sign #3: Your sweetie says he or she wants a no-strings-attached romance
If someone says, “I don’t want a commitment,” take the sucker at his or her word. Don’t fall into that “I’ll be the one to change all that!” trap. Cheaters rebel against control and might even have an affair to spite a partner who wants to rein him or her in.

Too often, people ignore the clear message a potential date sends. If someone tells you, “I’m not into serious relationships,” “I won’t give up my freedom,” “I’m not ready to settle down,” or anything resembling that, take a giant step back! He or she is clearly telling you, “I want to play the field.” If you pursue the person anyway, hoping for an exclusive relationship, you may find yourself two-timed and broken-hearted. Never push a person into a situation he or she doesn’t want to be in. Never pursue a committed relationship with someone who tells you he or she doesn’t want one.

Sign # 4: Your sweetie admits to cheating on exes—and justifies the betrayals
Cheaters rationalize their behavior to let themselves off the hook. The way they justify their actions tells much about their character.

Listen to the excuses for past cheating your sweetie uses. Here are a couple I’ve heard from clients in my therapy practice over the years:

“My ex was abusive because of a drinking problem, so I deserved to see someone kinder on the side.”
“My father cheated on my mom, so cheating on my girlfriend is how I’m working through my past.”

Everyone has a tale to tell. But are these rationalizations — or any rationalizations — acceptable to you? A person who admits to infidelities in the past and explains them away has a good chance of straying again. He or she has not taken responsibility for past actions, nor worked through the issues involved.

Sign #5: Your sweetie has never been without a mate
Cheaters won’t ride solo... ever! Leaving one romance and hopping into a new one — or having simultaneous affairs at once — doesn’t leave time for assessing whatever went wrong. They don’t bother with introspection; their focus is squarely set on pulling new people into their orbit. If you are dating a person who shares a romantic history that always involves finding a new partner before breaking up with the current partner, take heed. This person may think of his or her mate only as void-fillers. Filling a void is never a basis for lasting love.

Sign #6: Your sweetie tells lies about little things
Cheaters lie about everything, which leads you to question their truth from their fiction. When the need to embroider overshadows the desire to be honest, the relationship becomes a sham.

Craig’s friend set him up on a blind date with divorcée, Alice, who was a top attorney in town with no children. Each time they were together, Alice described her interesting caseload. Craig was fascinated—and falling hard. He was so caught up in her charismatic personality that he chose not to focus on the fact that some of her stories contradicted themselves, and that Alice seemed to change certain details as she got further into her story sharing. One day, the local newspaper featured someone who had been indicted for impersonating an attorney. He was shocked to find that it was Alice, and that she was a wife and mother as well! Alice had lied to both Craig and his friend.

If you are dating someone who seems to be untruthful about mundane topics — where he or she had lunch, what he or she is doing on Sunday morning — take note. The lies probably run deep. As my Gilda-Gram warns, “Without truth, there is no love.”

Sign # 7: Your sweetie brags about his or her sex appeal
Cheaters are insecure, and need to attract constant attention on the side. They flaunt their popularity in attempts to boost their own low self-esteem. Let me give you an example: Marilyn met a “hot guy” on a singles cruise, and the pair became inseparable for the week. When they returned home, they spoke to each other constantly. He sent her a plane ticket to visit him. While together, Hot Guy boasted that he was his town’s “go-to” guy for all the lonely women. Instead of Marilyn reading that as a sign to stay away, she interpreted his description of himself as “cute.”

Visiting her two weeks later, he said he was available throughout the week—except for a lunch date he had with a woman he had just met. Marilyn found that peculiar, but said nothing. After a dinner party, he detailed how many women had come on to him. Marilyn began feeling disrespected and put down. Finally, after crying herself to sleep, she told Hot Guy he was too hot for her.

If a partner boasts how in demand he or she is, recognize how insecure he or she really is—and steer clear. This person probably needs more ego-stroking than any one person can provide... and will look where he or she has to in order to find it.

So now you know the signs that indicate that maybe your sweetie isn’t such a sweetie after all. Life and love are all about learning. Remember this Gilda-Gram: “Everyone who touches you, teaches you.” Instead of getting bummed out about a cheater who stole your heart, think of what you learned, and how your experience got you to grow. Your new insight will arm you to attract someone more trustworthy in the future.

Signs your date isn’t The One

2007-10-18T02:06:00.000+08:00

By Bob Strauss
Despite what you’ve been taught in school, that small voice in the back of your mind isn’t necessarily your conscience—it may be the last fully functioning piece of your brain, desperately trying to tell you that the guy or gal you’ve been seeing isn’t even close to being your soul mate. As unwelcome as this conclusion is, isn’t it better to come to it by yourself rather than being lectured about it by an expert? No? Well, in that case, read on for a list of signs that it’s time to get back into the trenches and continue that trudge toward true love.

Your date is devoted to another. “On a regular basis, he spoke to his mother more than he did to me,” says Bethany from Minneapolis. “He talked to her every day, and then he would compare me to her. She has him on such a short leash that he hasn’t ever made a major decision without her!”

Your date overspends, and you’re stingy. “If she shops to make herself feel good, and he feels better when money is saved for the future, look out: Irritation, frustration, and arguments can result,” says Rita Benasutti, Ph.D., a therapist in Boca Raton, FL. In other words: Get out now, while your credit-card balance is still manageable.

Your politics are too different. Although there are some famous liberal/conservative couples out there, “If you have opposite ideologies, it’s usually a deal-breaker,” says John Seeley, author of Get Unstuck! The Simple Guide to Restart Your Life. So, “if you find yourself saying things like ‘I can’t believe you voted for him’ or ‘I can’t even kiss someone who likes that person,’” it’s time to move on.

Your sweetie just doesn’t get your jokes. Take it from me: If that obscure Monty Python reference provokes polite but uncomprehending giggles on a first date, it’ll be met with frosty silence six months down the road. The same formula applies if she thinks Garrison Keillor is hilarious, while you’re like Homer Simpson banging on the TV set and shouting “Be more funny!”

Commitment-wise, your date just isn’t there yet. “I met someone over a year ago, and we really hit it off,” says Michele from Atlanta. “He would call me from work daily, saying that he missed me and couldn’t wait to see me again. But the closer we got, the more he started to pull back. Finally, I threw in the towel, realizing that even though we were compatible in many ways, he was not emotionally ready for a relationship.”

Your honey wants kids, and you don’t. Or vice versa. “Often a person is so happy to find The One that he assumes love, marriage, and having children go together, but for the other person, being a twosome and being in love is enough,” says Dr. Benasutti. “It’s a good idea to have a serious heart-to-heart talk with your potential mate to understand his perspective.”

Your tastes are too different. “The number-one reason for failed relationships is what I call ‘refinement incompatibility,’” says Zannah Hackett, author of The Ancient Wisdom of Matchmaking. “Some of us are content to go camping, while others can’t survive outside a Ritz-Carlton hotel room. Some things are negotiable, but refinement incompatibility is not one of them, no matter how magnetically attracted you are to each other.”

Your lifestyles are too different. If you’re a corporate exec pulling in six figures a year, you’ve probably figured out by now whether you can tolerate a guy who earns an order of magnitude less in terms of his salary. No harm, no foul: Pulling out now is better than leading him along (or unexpectedly sticking him with the tab at that expensive restaurant).

There’s no oomph. “When we first met, the sexual attraction wasn’t there,” says Lauren from New York of a relationship she had high hopes for... at first. “Sometimes that attraction develops as you get to know a person and start to like him, and sometimes it doesn’t, but it’s very different from instantly having that sexual chemistry when he glances at you for the very first time.”

Your relationship has you on edge. “I believe that The One strengthens you, lifts you up and does not produce anxiety,” says Kathryn Alice, author of Love Will Find You. “When something isn’t right, your intuition keeps trying to let you know by putting nagging doubts in your mind as well as continual anxiety. This is a gut thing, and your gut is rarely wrong.”

Wedding or warning bells?

2007-10-18T02:04:00.000+08:00

By Karen Salmansohn

Throughout the ages, there’s been one question that has consistently stumped even the wisest of prophets and gurus:

“How do you know when it’s love... and how do you know when you should dump the chump?”

I say: Don’t waste precious time-ticking-time with the wrong partner!

Here’s a list of relationship-clarifying questions to better serve daters who are newly head-over-heels... So you can suss out sooner versus later if you’ve found the love of your life—or if you should run for your life!

Good looks fade. But a bad personality is forever. If you took away the physical attraction and hot sex, would you still want to be friends with this person?

Does your new partner tell you outright that he or she is not ready to be in a serious relationship? If so, listen up! What you hear is what you get!

You need at least one VERY to fall in love. For example, it helps if your honey is VERY smart, or VERY good-looking, VERY caring or VERY funny, etc. Basically, you need to see at least one magical, heart-fluttering quality about this person that makes him or her stand out for true love to spring forth. Does your partner have at least one VERY special thing which makes you all a-flutter?

Although finding one VERY in your partner is VERY GOOD, finding two VERY aspects can be VERY BAD. For example, if your partner is VERY, VERY GOOD-LOOKING... or VERY, VERY RICH or VERY, VERY FUNNY, this person might be trouble—might have a super-huge ego or be super-annoying due to an extra dosage of that quality. Does your partner have any doubly VERY aspects that you see as being potential relationship-zappers?

It’s good for your new partner to have a lot of get up and go—but not directly after sex. After NC-17 encounters, does your partner disappear ASAP? If so, your sweetie might have anxiety around intimacy—so be forewarned!

It’s a positive if your “newbie partner” wants to talk after sex—but not if he or she winds up talking about an ex. In fact, too much talk about an ex in general is a negative sign that your partner still has his or her feet stuck in the sticky-icky past, and might thereby have a hard time moving forward!

Lust and love are as different as night and day. If your partner only wants to see you in the wee hours of night, it’s lust. If this person wants to spend the more precious daylight hours on weekends with you, you’re heading towards the real-deal love, baby!

If your new partner complains about how all exes have been CRAZY, you should wonder what your honey did to make them crazy—or if your amour is a Drama Queen or Drama King.

Does your newbie partner comment on your tales of woe (and the world’s awful news stories) with a sense of empathy and awareness—or is he or she missing, as Jennifer Aniston so pithily called it, “the sensitivity chip”?

Does being with your sweetie bring out your favorite self, or your most bummed-out self, or most insecure/neurotic/truly CRAZY-in-love self? Because before you get on the road to wedding-ville, you want to make sure the person you’re hooking up with gives you that extra lift... that’s the way you want to be heading into your forever future!

How to Detect Lies

2007-10-10T17:44:00.000+08:00

Become a Lie Detector

Introduction to Detecting Lies:

The following techniques to telling if someone is lying are often used by police, and security experts. This knowledge is also useful for managers, employers, and for anyone to use in everyday situations where telling the truth from a lie can help prevent you from being a victim of fraud/scams and other deceptions.

Warning: Sometimes Ignorance is bliss; after gaining this knowledge, you may be hurt when it is obvious that someone is lying to you.

Signs of Deception:

Body Language of Lies:

• Physical expression will be limited and stiff, with few arm and hand movements. Hand, arm and leg movement are toward their own body the liar takes up less space.

• A person who is lying to you will avoid making eye contact.

• Hands touching their face, throat & mouth. Touching or scratching the nose or behind their ear. Not likely to touch his chest/heart with an open hand.

Emotional Gestures & Contradiction

• Timing and duration of emotional gestures and emotions are off a normal pace. The display of emotion is delayed, stays longer it would naturally, then stops suddenly.

• Timing is off between emotions gestures/expressions and words. Example: Someone says "I love it!" when receiving a gift, and then smile after making that statement, rather then at the same time the statement is made.

• Gestures/expressions don’t match the verbal statement, such as frowning when saying “I love you.”

• Expressions are limited to mouth movements when someone is faking emotions (like happy, surprised, sad, awe, )instead of the whole face. For example; when someone smiles naturally their whole face is involved: jaw/cheek movement, eyes and forehead push down, etc.

Interactions and Reactions

• A guilty person gets defensive. An innocent person will often go on the offensive.

• A liar is uncomfortable facing his questioner/accuser and may turn his head or body away.

• A liar might unconsciously place objects (book, coffee cup, etc.) between themselves and you.

Verbal Context and Content

• A liar will use your words to make answer a question. When asked, “Did you eat the last cookie?” The liar answers, “No, I did not eat the last cookie.”

•A statement with a contraction is more likely to be truthful: “ I didn't do it” instead of “I did not do it”

• Liars sometimes avoid "lying" by not making direct statements. They imply answers instead of denying something directly.

• The guilty person may speak more than natural, adding unnecessary details to convince you... they are not comfortable with silence or pauses in the conversation.

• A liar may leave out pronouns and speak in a monotonous tone. When a truthful statement is made the pronoun is emphasized as much or more than the rest of the words in a statement.

• Words may be garbled and spoken softly, and syntax and grammar may be off. In other
words, his sentences will likely be muddled rather than emphasized.

Related Books:

Never be Lied to Again

Body Language

Other signs of a lie:

• If you believe someone is lying, then change subject of a conversation quickly, a liar follows along willingly and becomes more relaxed. The guilty wants the subject changed; an innocent person may be confused by the sudden change in topics and will want to back to the previous subject.

• Using humor or sarcasm to avoid a subject.

Final Notes:

Obviously, just because someone exhibits one or more of these signs does not make them a liar. The above behaviors should be compared to a persons base (normal) behavior whenever possible.

How Girls Can Tell He's Interested

2007-09-24T23:28:00.000+08:00

Around 85 per cent of couples who just had their first dates remarked that before they were even introduced they were already sending signs of attention and interest to each other. These are couples that did not come from first dates, rather, tried to communicate first and see if they click. It usually begins when either one of them making contact with the eyes, a hint of interest floating in the air.

The big question is: How does a girl find out if a guy is showing interest in her?

Basically, that question is also answered by a set of questions. Is the guy responding when there is an attempt for conversation? Does he return back the smiles? Is he showing any flirtatious signs? Enough imagining the past girl, there are tell tale signs to look for to know if a guy has really the hots for a girl.

A guy is interested in a girl if:

He gazes at the girl’s eyes longer and more intently than he would when talking to others. The trick is to make eye contact for a short time, then he looks back again and this time longer, lastly, he turns his head to the girl’s direction but not looking at her directly. From the side of his eyes, he’s actually checking if the girl is still looking back or waiting for him to gaze at her again.

He is showing more engaged actions when just trying to show or reach for something; he leans forward when he talks to girl or just when listening for her to say something. He touches the girl’s hand when stressing a point while talking. Even imitates the girls actions and gestures while making a conversation and perhaps to lessen edginess he amuses himself with touching his earring, blending his coffee, playing with a part of his clothing, fixing the hair, etc. He makes sure he looks his best when the girl approaches

He uses flattering comments and mixes humor to everything he says just to see the girl’s smile with a beam whenever he talks to the girl, well, appreciates even the girl’s silly jokes.

He asks detailed questions, as these exhibits curiosity specifically with the girl. Even when he’s not present, his friends often pay attention to the girl’s moves and whatever she says. This is a sign that the guy has already talked about the girl too many times with his friends, arousing their interest in the girl too. Shows himself off by helping others with carrying extra bags for other persons. Take note: this is done when he knows that the girl can see him.

It is kind of hard to read all the signs, so here’s a Summary for girls who do not have all the time to be keen with the signs:

1. Lifting of Eyebrows. A guy’s eyebrows rise and fall quickly upon seeing an interesting girl for the first time. (Hey girl, lift a brow if you’re interested too.)
2. Slight jaw drop. It may not be a nice sight, but the mouth slightly opens during first acquaintance.
3. Seeks attention. Guys have the tendency to be over acting just to stand out and get the girl’s attention.
4. The nose. Take a closer look girl; notice that as his face beams, the nostrils get big.
5. Strikes a pose. After gaining composure he budges into the typical machismo guy position with parted legs, one hand on the side and probably the other in a pocket.
6. He becomes self-conscious. This will be touching his forehead, pinching an ear, or rubbing the chin.
7. Fashion conscious. It starts with smoothing the shirt or pants along with the collar and the belt. On more formal occasions, it will be fixing the tie.
8. Secret friend. He would use the starting statement “one of my buddies want to know if you…” Oh, he’s just trying to play secret admirer dear.
9. Aside from the raised brows during first meeting, a guy exaggerates arching both eyebrows while saying something.
10. Lastly, the killer sock fiddling. Not familiar? Believe or not 99.9 per cent of psychological studies confirmed that if a guy adjusts his socks in front of a girl, he is so interested with her.

Please note that the effectiveness of these acts differ from person to person. That is because each individual may come from communities with a more traditional or contemporary views. Final word, just enjoy and see if someday, real love may be derived from first signs.

10 Different Ideas For Long Distance Relationship

2007-09-24T23:18:00.000+08:00

“Miles and miles and miles apart,
Although so far you’ve touched my heart,
Your laugh, your voice, your adoring smile,
Seems to shorten every mile.”

Love cannot be measured by distances. The relationship is measured by the depth of emotions. Trust and loyalty are the only wheels of love to eternity.

Long Distances can become a torment, but cannot be a barrier in love. There are lots of things that one can do to keep up the romance in long relationship. So not to worry if you are miles away from your love, just go through the following romantic ideas to keep your relationship exciting and intimate:

• Surprise gifts: when they are not expecting, send you partner flowers, cards and letters occasionally.

• Memories: capture and share that interesting moment of yours by exchanging photos, video clips. Post a declaration of your love on youtube.

• Surprise visits: show them how much you care for your love and that you will do anything for them by planning a surprise visit. Plan the visit even if it is for few moments. It will show how much you crave for them.

• Journal: a personal journal of your thoughts will help you a lot. Jot down your dreams, how much you missed them that day and at the end of your time together, give it to them to read.

• Love notes: leaving notes behind in their bags / luggage can be quite fun and romantic. They will notice them when they reach and start unpacking.

• CDs: make a mix of all the songs that remind you of your sweetheart, and then mail them to know your feelings.

• Stay in touch: be more interested in hearing about your partner’s day and life, and then you are telling about your own. Tell that you miss them

• Sing for them: call your sweetheart and sing for them and let them know how you feel for them.

• List: send your mate a list of romantic things and date ideas and have him add his few ideas and send it back. When you are together, complete the list.

• Messaging: Surprise them by leaving a romantic message on their mobile phone.

Do you know your couple conflict style?

2007-09-23T13:28:00.000+08:00

Do you fly off the handle at the slightest thing or are you a peacemaker who cools things down? Find out what your conflict style is from Relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall.

Stuck in a rut?

Many couples notice that their arguments seem to follow familiar patterns. They may always erupt from nowhere, for example, or gradually build up over a period of days.

As individuals, most of us will have developed a particular conflict style, learnt from years of watching how others manage their differences. Understanding your style can help you act differently and get out of 'argument ruts'.

Which style are you?

Here are some of the most common styles of arguing. Perhaps you'll recognise yourself in some of them.

The peacemaker - you don't like arguments and see it as your responsibility to cool things down and sort things out as soon as possible, even if this means ignoring your personal needs or not having your opinions heard.

The defensive attacker - you believe that the faster you act, the better. You're highly attuned to possible disagreements and will lay down the law or issue threats to prevent a full-scale battle. It often doesn't work, and even when it does you're left wondering if perhaps you went over the top.

The subtle striker - you're tactical and persistent in making your feelings known. You don't like full-on attacks, preferring to wait for your partner to notice something's wrong. You may use silence, nag, moan or just go on and on about it. You often get there eventually, but it's a slow and exhausting process.

The full-on foe - you've probably had to fight for your rights all your life and will always give as good as you get. Although you look tough, you're probably terrified of getting hurt and find every disagreement a painful experience.

The shock-absorber - you're afraid of arguments and will do anything to avoid getting into one. Rather than defend your rights or attempt to put across your point of view, you sit quietly waiting for the storm to pass. But inside, anger and resentment may be building.

The negotiator - you genuinely want to find a peaceful solution to problems without anyone getting hurt. You listen calmly to your partner's viewpoint and are confident when sharing your own. You want the best possible outcome for your relationship and, in your experience, consideration and compromise are the best way to achieve this.

Obviously this last style is the one we're all aiming to adopt. Conflict is natural within a relationship to a certain degree, but it should be constructive not destructive. For more on how to resolve conflict, have a look at Ways to make peace.

Couples who don't argue

Some couples don't argue. They never have. The fear of conflict is so great for either one, or both, that they withdraw from anything that has even a vague whiff of confrontation.

To outsiders this might appear to be a perfect relationship, but danger can lurk beneath the calm surface. Differences tend to be repressed or ignored because there's no mechanism to handle disagreements.

The danger is that resentments will build until one person just leaves the relationship. Avoiding confrontation can actually cause the abandonment that's most feared.

Further help

If you have concerns about your relationship, try talking it through with your partner or a trusted friend, or you might want to consider seeing a relationships counsellor. To find out more, go to Do you need counselling?

Stop Arguing, Start Talking: The 10 Point Plan for Couples in Conflict by Susan Quilliam (Vermilion)

Ways to avoid arguments in couplehood

2007-09-23T13:25:00.000+08:00

Many arguments occur for the wrong reasons and get out of hand easily. This checklist by relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall can help you to avoid rows - when you next feel a conflict brewing, just ask yourself these questions.

Your feelings

Are you overreacting because you're tired and stressed?
Could the anger you feel be at someone or something else?
Are you hormonal at the moment and feeling unusually irritable or sensitive?
Is your mood being affected by illness?

Your partner's feelings

Could your partner be overreacting because they're tired or stressed?
Do you know that they're currently feeling angry about something else?
Is your partner either struggling with health issues or being affected by hormonal changes?

Your conscience

Are you feeling defensive about what your partner has said or done because you feel guilty?
Could you be feeling defensive because you want to avoid having to say you're sorry?
Are you bearing a grudge against your partner for something you need to let go of?
If you're going to raise an issue, are you sure this is the main thing that's bothering you? (See What are you really arguing about?)
If you're going to raise an issue, are you sure it's worth risking a potential argument?
If you're going to raise this issue, are you using the guidelines in Productive arguing?

How to make peace

2007-09-23T13:20:00.000+08:00

The next time you find yourself in an argument with your partner, keep in mind the following tips from relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall so you can bring the conflict to an end swiftly - and peacefully.

Abnormal behaviour

It's important to accept that arguments are a normal part of relationships. We're all different and where there's difference, there will be disagreement. But when arguing seems to be a way of life and leaves you feeling exhausted, hurt or wondering if you want to stay in the relationship, it's time to call a truce and sort things out.

The first step towards doing this is to understand what you're really arguing about and get an insight into your conflict style. After you've looked at both these areas, you can use some of the techniques below to help you sort things out. Some can be done alone; others need your partner's cooperation.

Be self-aware

Self-awareness and self-responsibility are the first steps in sorting out and avoiding conflict. It's impossible to make your partner change, but if you change your behaviour they'll almost certainly react differently.

Assume the best - unless you have evidence to the contrary, always give your partner the benefit of the doubt.

Check your conscience - are you arguing because there's something you're avoiding, such as apologising, compromising or forgiving? Make sure you're not fighting to protect your pride.

Think about whether you're being affected by something else - don't underestimate the power of external circumstances. Are you stressed, tired, hormonal or angry about something else?

Be adult - do you tend to slip into behaving like a child, sulking, blaming or being obstinate? Or do you become like a critical parent, condescending, criticising or punishing? An adult is calm and focused, and listens and negotiates.

Own your feelings - your partner can't make you feel something. Your feelings are under your own control. If you're angry, say "I'm angry because...", not "You made me angry."

Improve communication

Good communication is vital to making peace. Often arguments go on and on, just because one or both parties feel they haven't been heard.

The tips below will improve your chances of being heard and help you show your partner that you're listening to them.

Listen - this is the most important part of good communication. Listen to your partner, without judging or making assumptions. See Talk and listen for more information.

Explore - ask questions to make sure you really understand what your partner is saying. Be willing to look at every angle.

Explain - this is the other side of exploring. Be ready to give as much information as your partner needs to understand your point of view. Don't expect them to read your mind.

Empathise - put yourself in your partner's shoes. Feel what they're feeling and let them know you've taken notice, eg "I understand that you're feeling upset."

Express - say what you mean and mean what you say. Be clear and to the point.

Laugh - this may seem a strange thing to put in an argument, but sensitive use of humour can be a powerful way to diffuse an argument. If there's a lighter side, use it.

Manage your anger

This is vital: anger can be a positive emotion that helps us get our needs met, but if anger gets out of control it blocks any chances of reaching an agreement. It's impossible to have a proper discussion with someone who has lost their temper. If either of you feels very angry, stop your discussion or the row will almost certainly get worse.

Joint techniques

The best peacemaking tactics are ones you've agreed on beforehand.

Big Brother - pretend your argument is being observed by someone who's opinion you value. You'll be amazed at how polite and reasonable you'll both become.

Use code words - agree a word to use when either of you feels it's getting too emotional or you're just going round in circles. Then take some time out before you start again.

Be practical - try the resolving issues exercise to help you work through the problem rationally.

Agree to disagree - sometimes it's simpler. Not all battles need a winner and a loser.

Argue productively - print out the productive arguing guidelines. Put them somewhere you can see them and both try to stick to them.

Take turns - if you don't feel you're getting equal air-time, agree to take turns. Use a watch to time alternate five to ten minute slots until your communication has improved.

Further help

If you have concerns about your relationship, try talking it through with your partner or a trusted friend, or you might want to consider seeing a relationships counsellor.

Reasons to marry?

2007-09-23T13:11:00.000+08:00

Although living together is now acceptable, 60 per cent of cohabiting couples still get married after a few years. Relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall looks at why we still marry in the face of divorce statistics and how to make sure it's the right choice for you.

"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet" - Mae West

Good reasons to marry

Because you're in love. Although love shouldn't be the only reason to marry, it's an important ingredient in the most successful relationships.

To make a commitment. You've decided that you want to be together forever, knowing each other's faults and failings.

It's part of your culture. The ceremony of marriage is an integral part of your cultural or religious beliefs and an essential part of your core value system.

To start a family. You've both enjoyed a secure and committed relationship for some time and feel marriage is the best environment in which to bring up children.

To celebrate. Because you want your family and friends to share with you in your happiness and commitment as a couple.

It's the right time. You have a solid and secure relationship and it feels like the logical next step.

Before you tie the knot, take a look at Questions to ask before marriage.

Bad reasons to marry

To make your relationship secure. If your relationship isn't secure before you marry, there's no reason to think it will be afterwards. It may be harder for you to separate after marriage, but that doesn't mean you'll be happy.

Fear of being alone. Some people marry because they're scared that no one else will have them. Remember, it's better to be left on the shelf than spend your whole life in the wrong cupboard.

For the children. It's true that, on the whole, children benefit from living with two parents, but marrying purely for your child is unlikely to create a happy home environment.

You want a big wedding. The big white wedding may seem like a fairy tale come true, but it only lasts a day. Marriage is (supposed to be) for life.

To recover from divorce. Some people want a second marriage to help them to get over the first - to prove that they're OK. But those feelings must come from within.

You may have many more reasons why you want to marry. The most important thing is that you and your partner have fully discussed your reasons and that you're both confident you share the same motivation and intentions.

Fears and expectations

As well as looking at your reasons for getting married it's important to look at what you expect from married life. Some people blame current divorce rates on the fact that people expect too much from marriage, but this isn't necessarily the case.

As long as you both share the same expectations, you can work together to achieve them. But if you both expect different things, one of you will always be disappointed. Try the exercise Your marriage fears and expectations to find out what you both think the future holds.

Your expectations and fears may be influenced by many things, including experiences of friends, previous relationships and media images. But one of the most powerful influences will be your family.

As small children we learn about relationships by watching our parents. These messages often sink deep into our unconscious mind, waiting to pop up when we become wives or husbands ourselves.

It's perfectly natural to have doubts and fears about getting married - it's one of the biggest decisions we make in our lives. But as long as you and your partner can openly share your feelings, support and reassure each other, chances are you're on the right track.

Further help

Relate
Offers counselling for couples to help make sure your marriage gets off to the best possible start.
Tel: 0845 130 4016 (Monday to Friday, 9.30am to 4.30pm)
Website: www.relate.org.uk

Before You Say "I Do" by Elizabeth Martyn (Vermilion)

Long-distance relationships: making it work?

2007-09-23T13:09:00.000+08:00

Absence makes the heart grow fonder - or so the saying goes. But what if the time away is prolonged, or one partner is more relaxed about the situation? Relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall has some tips to help you stay together even when apart.

Different views of distance

How couples cope with being apart largely depends on how they feel about the separation. Here are some common interpretations:

What's the big deal? - if you were brought up in a family where absence was the norm, it may be that periods apart are no problem.

It's the thin end of the wedge - perhaps in your past someone left saying it was temporary, but didn't come back. You may see a period of separation as the beginning of the end.

If you loved me, you'd stay - love is linked to being physically near and any threat to that is also a threat to your emotional security.

But it's not for long - it might be your nature to look at life in the long term and see a bigger picture and, therefore, you may find it easier than your partner to see this as a temporary phase of your relationship.

It's just not right - if your parents were together nearly all the time, then absence may simply be beyond your experience. Being a couple means being together.

On top of your personal interpretations of the absence, each of you will have a different perspective depending on whether you're the one leaving or staying.

Away from home

If you're the one who's going away, you have the advantage of experiencing new scenery, a new job and new people, perhaps. The disadvantages, of course, are missing your home and the company of friends and family. And although there may be many new experiences, you'll have to deal with the loneliness of having no partner with you to share them. People away from home often find their emotions swing between heights of excitement and depths of longing.

Left at home

If you're the partner who's staying at home, you have the advantage of familiar surroundings and, hopefully, the support of friends and family. The downside of this is that you may feel abandoned and trapped. There are also few new experiences for you, just the humdrum of daily life and the loneliness of having to get on with it on your own.

Making it work

The key to making long-distance relationships work is to talk honestly and openly about how you feel. Couples often fall into one of the following traps:

Let's pretend it's OK - if asked how you are, you both say "I'm OK, everything's fine." Underneath you're both lonely, but are too scared to say in case the other person doesn't understand.

It's all right for you - you try to be nice when you talk, but the resentment slips out. You're both convinced your partner's having an easier time of it than you. Underneath you both want reassurance, but fear you'll be rejected.

Be honest

Share your feelings about the separation - both the positives and the negatives. This will give you the opportunity to really understand each other and give the support and reassurance you both need.

Talk about your resentment at the situation rather than at each other and look forward to the time when you're next together.

Keep communicating

Staying in touch regularly is the key to surviving a long-distance relationship.

Use a variety of ways of communicating - email, telephone, text message, letter, etc.
Send little gifts - to show how often you think of each other.
Make some surprise calls - make the odd call just to say "I love you."
Send regular pictures - this will help your partner keep a visual record of what you're up to.
Keep a diary - then share it with your partner each time you meet.

Beware the reunion anticlimax

When you get to see each other again, chances are both of you will have built up great expectations of how fantastic your reunion is going to be. However, the reality often doesn't match up to the fantasy.

Many couples feel disappointed and frustrated when things aren't as they'd hoped. You may also find that rather than making love all day there are awkward silences or even arguments.

You can prevent this by making sure you've talked about how you want the reunion to be and recognising that the anticipation is often better than the consummation! And remember, it may take time to get used to being around each other again.

Absence can make the heart grow fonder when you use the time to show your partner how much they mean to you.

How to let go of resentments

2007-09-23T13:04:00.000+08:00

Holding onto anger, bitterness and resentment, can damage your relationship, your self-esteem and even your health. Relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall looks at the importance of letting go.

Why we get angry

Disagreements and tension are bound to arise when we live with someone. The key to a successful relationship is learning to express our feelings and resolve such conflicts, and most of us develop our own ways of coping with these minor frustrations.

Sometimes, however, overwhelming feelings of anger can consume us. These may be caused by a single major event, such as the discovery of an affair, or can be the result of something that leaves us feeling let down on a regular basis, such as lack of attention.

Causes of anger

Some situations are more likely to leave us struggling with strong feelings of anger than others.

When it's a shock - when a partner does something unexpected it can take a long time for feelings of anger to recede. You may also feel confused and betrayed.

When it's deliberate - it's much easier to let go of anger when the person who caused it never meant it to happen in the first place. If it was done deliberately or maliciously it's much harder to forgive.

When it's happened before - if someone repeatedly hurts or frustrates us, anger often builds up. You may also feel powerless and exhausted.

When we're vulnerable - at certain times in our lives, during pregnancy or illness for example, we expect more of our partners and can feel particularly let down by them.

When it brings back memories - if we've been hurt in the past, we're more likely to react badly to a similar event later in life. Often the old hurt is reignited, doubling the amount of anger.

When they're not sorry - if a partner refuses to accept they were responsible for the hurt or that you've even got a right to feel aggrieved, it can be difficult to let go of such feelings.

The impact on a relationship

Ongoing anger causes serious damage to relationships. For some couples it can mean almost daily arguments; others are better at suppressing the anger, but this nearly always means other feelings are suppressed too. If discussing the problem seems too difficult, but talking about something else seems too trivial, conversation can cease completely.

Unresolved anger often leads to physical distance and sexual problems. For some couples, the event that caused the anger might become less important, but the rift it caused may be impossible to bridge.

The impact on our health

When we get angry, our bodies automatically go into 'flight or fight' mode and are flooded with chemicals that put us on high alert. The heart rate and breathing quickens, muscles become tense and senses become heightened.

This state of high alert is perfectly natural - but only for short periods. Living with permanent feelings of anger means the body is forced to stay in this acute state, which in time can lead to high blood pressure, headaches, stomach problems and a lowered immune system.

The impact on our emotions

When we're angry about someone's actions, we can become trapped in the past, replaying the event or events over and over again in our minds.

They may also imagine or even seek out opportunities for revenge. This can help to increase feelings of power and control in a relationship, but offers only temporary relief.

Anger can damage self-esteem too. Many of us are taught that anger is wrong, so you may feel bad about your feelings, even if they're justified. Or you may try to excuse the other person's actions and decide that you in some way deserved what happened. When anger is turned inwards in this way it often leads to depression.

Learning to let go

Choosing to let go of anger is something only you can do for yourself, not for your partner. It's never a guarantee that the relationship will improve, but it's a guarantee that - in time - you'll start feeling better.

It's important to remind yourself that you're not necessarily letting your partner off the hook or forgetting what happened. You're letting go of the anger for your benefit, no one else's.

Once the process has started, you may feel clearer about what you want to do about your relationship. You may have renewed energy to work at it, or you might decide that too much has happened and it's time to call it a day.

No one's pretending that letting go of anger is quick or easy, but as you gradually feel the resentment slipping away you'll find it easier to enjoy other aspects of your life and begin to see the future in a new light.

Sources of help

If feel that you'd like to discuss your feelings with someone, you could talk to a trusted friend or counsellor. For more information, see Do you need counselling?

Managing Anger: Simple Steps to Dealing with Frustration and Threat by Gael Lindenfield (Thorsons)

Helping each other through grief

2007-09-23T12:59:00.000+08:00

Even the strongest relationships can be rocked by bereavement. Relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall explores how it may affect you as a couple and how to support each other through this difficult time.

As an individual going through bereavement, you may feel the bottom has fallen out of your world; as part of a couple, you have to work out how to support your partner while struggling with your own despair.

Patterns of grief

There's a recognised pattern of grief. It starts with shock and disbelief, moves into a period of yearning and anxiety. Then follows a time of anger and protest before sadness and moving on.

Of course, this pattern is only a generalisation - the intensity and length of each phase can vary hugely from person to person. There's no right or wrong way to grieve: how we mourn is as unique as we are.

For couples, these differences can cause additional distress. At a time when you desperately need to share your grief and feel close to someone, it can be difficult to understand why your partner isn't reacting in the same way as you.

Some of these differences are down to personality: some people naturally become more introverted and introspective, while others are more expressive and reach out. Further differences can result from childhood experiences of loss, and family messages about how grief should be managed.

Types of bereavement

Different bereavements bring their own challenges.

Lost parent - our relationship with our parents is unique, and partners can struggle to comprehend all that has been lost. Since the person who has lost the parent is likely to be struggling more, their partner is in a stronger position to provide support. Being there to listen and being aware of any anniversaries that might reawaken feelings of loss can help.

Lost pregnancy - wanted pregnancies are met with joy and expectations but, unfortunately, things don't always go to plan. Genetic difficulties may mean couples have to make difficult decisions about termination, while others experience inexplicable miscarriages. The nature of pregnancy means the mother may feel this loss more intensely than her partner; in turn, the partner may struggle to understand the depth of emotion. However, often fathers feel adrift in the mourning process, with little support or understanding of the loss they've also experienced.

Lost baby - if a baby is stillborn or lost in the first few months, the mother may be particularly absorbed by self-blame and reproach, wondering what she might have done wrong. Partners often try to offer rational support, but they too have to struggle with unanswered question "Why?"

Lost child - most people agree this is the greatest and most shocking bereavement any of us can face. With both parents sharing the grief so equally, it can be particularly difficult to accept differences in the mourning process. It's not uncommon for one partner to be in the anger stage, for example, while the other's stuck in sadness. Understanding that both are a natural part of the grieving process is essential. It's also common for one partner to take the coping role and be responsible for holding life together. It's important that you encourage each other to share such roles.

Helping each other

Although every grief situation and individual reaction is unique, you may find the following guidelines helpful for your relationship.

Remember, you're both different and there's no right or wrong way to cope with loss.
Make time to be together, both to share your feelings and talk about the future.
Help and encourage each other to keep as many routines going as possible.
Create opportunities to do pleasurable things together, such as going for a walk or watching a film.
Encourage each other to take time for yourselves.
Don't make any major changes in your life for at least 12 months.
Allow yourselves to be upset or angry together, without feeling that one of you must lift the other.
Remember to give each other plenty of physical affection.

Further help

Whatever the loss, couples find themselves having to adapt and adjust to new circumstances. It's the nature of grief that people can feel isolated, but once healing begins couples often find they feel closer than ever before.

However, if you're finding it particularly hard to manage as a couple, you might find counselling can help you to keep your relationship together through this difficult period. For more information, see Bereavement counselling.

Compassionate Friends
Offers support and friendship to bereaved parents and families.